How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
My significant other was getting fired and laid off once a year for many years. He could not keep a job. He was too focused on himself to care about anything else. Even when we were together, it was like he wasn’t there. Around coworkers and friends, he was someone else. All the financial & household responsibilities fell on me. By year 6, I lost my mind. I felt like I would have to divorce him and I would lose him forever. I started doing pills, drugs, drinking. I had never done anything like this before. I felt so trapped, hurt, desperate. I thought I had wasted most of my life working so hard only to struggle more than ever! It wasn’t fair. I was so mad at my SO I couldn’t look at him. I got nauseous when I thought about how messed up he let our life get and how he acted like a child depending on a mother. It made me sick! He yelled and destroyed things in our house. He hid things from me and omitted truths most of our relationship. I was pissed. A friend stepped in, supported me and I let it happen. This friend validated my observations about my significant other. Deep down I knew this friend, wanted me. The “friend” started to subtlely pressure me and when nothing would happen-ignore me. I gave in, we messed around, nothing more but I have been telling myself i am a terrible person, that my SO is a great guy, how could I do this, no one deserves this. My SO is getting himself together and I’ve done this horrible thing. I forgive myself for keeping this from him, it would hurt an already wounded man. Telling would only make ME feel better. I am letting go today, so that I don’t continue to hurt an incredibly wounded me. From this point forward, I forgive myself. I will leave the past, in the past. I made a mistake, a mistake that I will never, ever repeat.
I want to let go my sins against B.R., James, Joseph, Rebecca. I love you all dearly and have tried so hard, but my sense of self has been terrible and I have led a life of shame behind your backs. I love you all so much and want everything in the world for all of you. I would give my life for your happiness…
I have been flirty with women for so long, even though I am married and have a great wife and kids. I made a mistake years ago and suffered the loss of a child. I was blown away and never came to terms about the possibility that my sin destroyed everything. I am a person who has very low self esteem and I have always felt empty and like a loser. I pretended my way through life and sought pleasures like porn and other’s attention to kill the pain. It never did and never will. I have let go of my porn and flirty ways…included oral sex and one time real sex. I immediately felt dirty and like scum each time I did that. I felt like an abomination to my family and that I let them down. I am tired of hating myself. I love my family dearly and repent of all I have done. The pain of shame I have held inside since my youth is due to abuse and abandonment issues as well as sexual abuse by neighborhood “friends”. I was broken and chose to hide myself away, look at porn, and pretend everything was OK.
My wife and I had to choose to terminate the baby and it was horrendous. We tried to find help and couldn’t. Making a choice like that, no one should ever, ever have to do. It was such cruelty. I am still mad at God for having that happen to us. On top of that, I feel guilty about maybe I was being punished by God.
Our family has been beset my medical issues, depression, etc. and it never, ever stops. I want to forgive myself, but it seems like we are constantly under attack by Satan. I want to forgive myself as Jesus has forgiven me. I leave my sins at the foot of the cross. I want to let them go so I can be a good father and husband. Away with you past sins!