How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I had an episode in my life recently that has made me loose myself confidence, this has made my sub conscience to dredge up past mistakes that I have obviously not dealt with properly and now I feel awful about them. In particular I spent an hour with a prostitute, nothing happened as I was to drunk, but also remember that I was glad because I new it was wrong but now I can not get it out of my head I feel guilty, I want to forgive myself as I love my wife dearly and want to have happy relationship with her and my little 2 year old daughter please help.
I ended things badly with my ex-boyfriend. I had so much frustration built up inside, that what I wanted to say and said came out sideways. I feel very badly over it.
I’m a young boy, 15, going onto 16 in in fact a few days, and have always tried my best to be a good person, be who I am, who always was willing to help out anyone and do the right thing. I always felt happy and was extremely cheerful, a people pleaser if you will. Although I forgot that the most important person that I really should’ve taken care of was me. Since the first week of February of this year I’ve hurt my self in more ways than you can imagine, a girl I thought was my every thing that I lost, family/friends passing away, school, the usual kid stuff, but I was so hard on myself I’ve hurt myself, but here’s where it ALL ENDS. Look guys, if any of you are reading this, I may not be the first to say this but we’re all important, NO MATTER WHAT WE DO we are who we truly are on the inside, valuable and beautiful, if a man who has been imprisoned for many years due to horrible crimes can change his life, we ALL CAN. WE ARE HUMAN, WE MAKE MISTAKES, IT’S A PART OF LIFE AND GROWING UP. Maybe all of us here, especially I know I have, haven’t taken these life lessons the right way, I’m going to gather up everything that I have and carry on, life waits on no one, not saying it to bring you down, I’m just saying that we should all let go, do the right thing that we all know is in our minds, and strive for a better future. I wish the best of luck to you all, now if you will excuse me, I have to lose a bit of weight I put on because of all of this and that has been in the way of my dreams for a while now, and making me hate myself for it. THIS IS LIFE, ACCEPT IT, BE STRONG, AND CARRY ON, PLEASE IF YOU DO I KNOW THAT NO MATTER HOW MANY MISTAKES I’VE MADE I’M STILL ME, I’VE LEARNED A LOT FROM IT, IT’S TIME THAT WE ALL START A NEW CHAPTER IN OUR LIVES RIGHT NOW. Please, for all of us, you are you, beautiful, worth it, TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE, IT’S A CHOICE, WHAT DO YOU WANT?