- When you lose someone close to you, that grief never fully goes away—but you do learn to cope with it over time.
- Several effective coping techniques include talking with loved ones about your pain, remembering all of the good in your life, engaging in your favorite activities, and consulting a grief counselor.
- You’ll never “get over” the loss of your loved one, but the painful feelings you’re experiencing will lessen as you accept the loss.
- While you’re often distracted initially by these painful feelings, there is much to learn from the loss of a loved one—such as just how beautiful life and love are.
You’ve just received the devastating news that your loved one has passed. Your overcrowded, overwhelmed mind feels like it’s racing at 100 miles per hour—in that moment and even several weeks later. Will my grief ever go away? Will I ever get over this loss? When will it get better? You wish more than anything that you had all the answers. Fortunately, Kriss Kevorkian, PhD, MSW, is here to help me speak to these tough questions that are wreaking havoc on your mind and provide you with some comforting answers:
Will my grief ever go away?
“No, but it will lessen as we learn to cope with it,” Kevorkian insists. “People often say that time heals all wounds. It doesn’t heal them, but it gives us the opportunity to learn from them. Either we can learn from these lessons or ignore them and be challenged again and again until we do learn them. Grief teaches us to appreciate what we have and not to take it for granted.”
When you receive the devastating news that your loved one is gone, your natural reaction isn’t to decide, “Hey, it’s okay, this is a learning experience.” Instead, it’s instinctual to feel upset, angry, confused, hurt, hopeless. It often takes a little bit of time to accept this upsetting experience as one to learn from.. and that’s alright. Until then, you can implement a few strategies to start coping with the loss and moving forward from here:
- Share your loss and pain with those close to you. Do you have a close friend or family member you feel comfortable opening up to? Talking about the loss and how you feel about the loss will help you address your feelings rather than avoid them.
- Think about all that you still have; think about all of the good in your life. You are without a doubt in a terribly unfortunate and painful situation, but that doesn’t mean your whole life is bad. Try to remind yourself of all the good that remains.
- Spend time doing some of your favorite things. It might be hard to return to some of your favorite activities at first, but it’s important you continue to spend your time doing what you love: whether that’s running, dancing, painting, knitting, reading, or simply chatting with your friends.
- Consider meeting with a grief counselor. Grief counselors can help you make peace with the loss and move forward with your life. Furthermore, they’ll work to ensure you don’t engage in any unhealthy grieving patterns.
Will I ever get over it?
Let’s start answering this question by rephrasing it: will you ever stop missing your loved one? Will you ever stop wishing that they were still here? The answer is no. You’ll never completely get over the loss of a loved one because, well, you loved them. The fact that the loss is so difficult to accept is proof of this love. Kevorkian further highlights the forever impact of a devastating loss: “People often tell others who are grieving to get over it, but why? Would you get over the loss of someone who has meant the world to you? Why would you even consider such a thing? Kids are often told by their peers to get over it when a loved one dies saying something like, “So, your grandma died. She was old! Get over it!” We never know the relationship this kid had with his/her grandma. They could’ve been super close, so of course they’re not going to get over it.”
That being said, the painful feelings you’re experiencing will lessen as you come to terms with the loss. And the key to helping this process along is really allowing yourself to feel those emotions. I know it isn’t fun to feel angry or upset, and you’d rather avoid it. But doing so will only suppress your emotions and make the grieving process even harder on yourself. So, do yourself a favor and accept the fact that you’re going through something horrible—but that you will get through it.
When will it get better?
When will the pain end? When will I be back to my normal self? As we just discussed, when you lose a loved one you care so immensely about, you just aren’t the same person anymore. You’ve been impacted in a way that will forever change you—but that’s not to say you’re forever changed in a negative way. As Kevorkian explains, there are so many life lessons to learn from loss: one being just how beautiful love is… let alone, life!
“It will get better when you begin to find meaning in the loss and appreciate the relationship you had no matter how long it lasted. When you think about it, life is pretty amazing that we can find someone or something that means so much to us that when that person or thing is no longer here, we feel pain and sorrow because of it,” she explains. “Can you imagine going through life never knowing such tremendous love that would later cause profound grief? We’d live an emotionless life.”
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Taylor Bennett
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I have just buried my wife of 42 years married. She was my loved one,carer and rock. We never had children of our own. Looked after others over many years though. Her sudden loss has left me with so many mixed up emotions. She was the strong one in the relationship. I have many family members giving advice. Its respected but means precious little when alone with my thoughts. I’ve had the knocks at the door and been awoken from sleep with it. Only to find that no one is there. The number 444 has been in my life for many years. I’ve searched on websites for meaning. Its all confusion for myself at this trying time. The waking hours are the worst. I’m in early stages of grief. The loss of my parents was bad. But the loss of my wife is an all new level. Keep searching for answer and reason. To be strong needs a strong mind and body. I get moments where I have neither. My only solice is knowing that 1 day we will be reunited.
Mr. Gibson stop looking for meaning when you are exhausted. Breathe the air and look for peace during the storm. “learn to dance in the rain”. Your life changed not for better nor for worse, but simply changed. Your life was filled with fruits with your wife, return the favor and respect that nothing will last forever, get up in the morning and care for yourself let it be a small breakfast or a walk around the block early in the morning. Believe in yourself that you can do it even though it may seem impossible. I’m a stranger from the internet but I do believe in you Mr. Gibson. I wish you an extra smile a day.
My heart goes out to all of you, and I wish you all the love and strength you need and deserve to carry on and find happiness again. I lost my partner to suicide over a year ago and still struggle with the grief and sadness, as well as finding meaning or purpose in life without him.
I’ve found that reading good inspirational books has helped me make a little progress, I’d recommend Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza and Beat Depression and Anxiety by Changing Your Brain by Debbie Hampton.
Also I’m noticing that eating healthily and getting more exercise helps to lift my mood. Drinking alcohol definitely makes me feel more depressed for some days afterwards. Loneliness is still a big issue, but I”m working on that ‘as much as possible right now!).
I’d like to ask what suggestions anyone might have for what really helps with the healing and recovery from loss. Thanks for any ideas and advice x
I lost my dad whom I was very close with two weeks ago. I’m counting the years I will have to live without him. I’m 31 and I feel there’s a long way ahead of me without him being in my life. He wasn’t just my dad. He was my favorite person in the whole world.
I used to love life and enjoy the little things. I seldom complained about stuff and always focused on the positive aspects. Now, I’m dreading the fact that I will have to live without him. I can’t seem to enjoy anything. I’m trying to do the things I love, like working and exercising, but the pain is so overwhelming I don’t enjoy them anymore. I just want my dad back.
Hi Hanadi,
I’m very sorry to hear of your loss.
We are similar in age and I just wanted to share with you some insights I’ve had.
I lost my best friend about 3 years ago. I know this isn’t the same as losing a parent, every relationship is unique. However he was the person I felt closest to in this world and we were friends since we were kids.
Grief is a hard road. I’m still struggling with it a few years down the line and it’s what brought me to this article. I miss my friend and the years more of life we could have had together.
I know though that, as painful as it is and as hard as losing a loved one is and will continue to be, my friend wouldn’t want me to suffer. And I’m sure your dad wouldn’t either. So please take care of yourself, get help if you need to, and do your best to get through each and every day even though you might be feeling down. The pain will lessen over time, even though it might never disappear and it might flare up sometimes.
I believe we’ll always miss our loved ones who’ve died but we can honour our bonds and also grow into a new life where we learn to live without them. Not because we want to, but because they’d want us to be happy.
Take care.