- When you lose someone close to you, that grief never fully goes away—but you do learn to cope with it over time.
- Several effective coping techniques include talking with loved ones about your pain, remembering all of the good in your life, engaging in your favorite activities, and consulting a grief counselor.
- You’ll never “get over” the loss of your loved one, but the painful feelings you’re experiencing will lessen as you accept the loss.
- While you’re often distracted initially by these painful feelings, there is much to learn from the loss of a loved one—such as just how beautiful life and love are.
You’ve just received the devastating news that your loved one has passed. Your overcrowded, overwhelmed mind feels like it’s racing at 100 miles per hour—in that moment and even several weeks later. Will my grief ever go away? Will I ever get over this loss? When will it get better? You wish more than anything that you had all the answers. Fortunately, Kriss Kevorkian, PhD, MSW, is here to help me speak to these tough questions that are wreaking havoc on your mind and provide you with some comforting answers:
Will my grief ever go away?
“No, but it will lessen as we learn to cope with it,” Kevorkian insists. “People often say that time heals all wounds. It doesn’t heal them, but it gives us the opportunity to learn from them. Either we can learn from these lessons or ignore them and be challenged again and again until we do learn them. Grief teaches us to appreciate what we have and not to take it for granted.”
When you receive the devastating news that your loved one is gone, your natural reaction isn’t to decide, “Hey, it’s okay, this is a learning experience.” Instead, it’s instinctual to feel upset, angry, confused, hurt, hopeless. It often takes a little bit of time to accept this upsetting experience as one to learn from.. and that’s alright. Until then, you can implement a few strategies to start coping with the loss and moving forward from here:
- Share your loss and pain with those close to you. Do you have a close friend or family member you feel comfortable opening up to? Talking about the loss and how you feel about the loss will help you address your feelings rather than avoid them.
- Think about all that you still have; think about all of the good in your life. You are without a doubt in a terribly unfortunate and painful situation, but that doesn’t mean your whole life is bad. Try to remind yourself of all the good that remains.
- Spend time doing some of your favorite things. It might be hard to return to some of your favorite activities at first, but it’s important you continue to spend your time doing what you love: whether that’s running, dancing, painting, knitting, reading, or simply chatting with your friends.
- Consider meeting with a grief counselor. Grief counselors can help you make peace with the loss and move forward with your life. Furthermore, they’ll work to ensure you don’t engage in any unhealthy grieving patterns.
Will I ever get over it?
Let’s start answering this question by rephrasing it: will you ever stop missing your loved one? Will you ever stop wishing that they were still here? The answer is no. You’ll never completely get over the loss of a loved one because, well, you loved them. The fact that the loss is so difficult to accept is proof of this love. Kevorkian further highlights the forever impact of a devastating loss: “People often tell others who are grieving to get over it, but why? Would you get over the loss of someone who has meant the world to you? Why would you even consider such a thing? Kids are often told by their peers to get over it when a loved one dies saying something like, “So, your grandma died. She was old! Get over it!” We never know the relationship this kid had with his/her grandma. They could’ve been super close, so of course they’re not going to get over it.”
That being said, the painful feelings you’re experiencing will lessen as you come to terms with the loss. And the key to helping this process along is really allowing yourself to feel those emotions. I know it isn’t fun to feel angry or upset, and you’d rather avoid it. But doing so will only suppress your emotions and make the grieving process even harder on yourself. So, do yourself a favor and accept the fact that you’re going through something horrible—but that you will get through it.
When will it get better?
When will the pain end? When will I be back to my normal self? As we just discussed, when you lose a loved one you care so immensely about, you just aren’t the same person anymore. You’ve been impacted in a way that will forever change you—but that’s not to say you’re forever changed in a negative way. As Kevorkian explains, there are so many life lessons to learn from loss: one being just how beautiful love is… let alone, life!
“It will get better when you begin to find meaning in the loss and appreciate the relationship you had no matter how long it lasted. When you think about it, life is pretty amazing that we can find someone or something that means so much to us that when that person or thing is no longer here, we feel pain and sorrow because of it,” she explains. “Can you imagine going through life never knowing such tremendous love that would later cause profound grief? We’d live an emotionless life.”
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Taylor Bennett
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My father died in 2006. My mom died in 2016. The second loss felt like losing both of them all over. 4 months after Mom passed, I lost my house and car and a lot of treasured memories of my childhood with them, and pictures, in the greatnflood of Baton Rouge in August of 2016. I still mourn every day. I often wish I could go to Heaven and be with them again. Not long after the flood, I had to retire from my job, so I feel pretty empty and purposes. I just want the hurt to end.
I found it helpful that you mentioned how the loss of a loved one will feel less painful once you learn to cherish your relationship for what it was. Ever since my uncle passed away, I have been having a difficult time talking to my friends, and I would like to find a way to relieve the pain so that I can start forming new bonds with people. Maybe I should find a service that helps relieve the pain I am feeling.
This is a crook of s* let me know when you get a loss
It’s been 11 years since my husband died. My soul died when he died. Everyday I want to die and join him. The grief never goes away. NEVER. The only reason I am alive is because our daughter was 5 years old when he died. As soon as my daughter graduates college I plan to kill myself. That’s at least 7 more years of hell on earth. I pray that cancer or a car crash or something will take me sooner so I don’t have to wait 7 more years. I have never been happy. Every day is misery and faking my way through it pretending that I am fine.
NONE of these stupid grief strategies work. All any of it does is try to convince you to put that person behind you and learn how to pretend you are okay when you are not. God is not real. If he is, he punishes good people and rewards the bad.
Hi there, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss and pain. I lost my husband too on Dec 28 2019. He was tragically killed in a car crash literally down the road from home. I have a 3yr old girl and 7yr old boy. It is inconceivable and time doesn’t heal anything…..it only cements the reality that is now your life. I also saw it as God punishing us but after a few months realised that no God would punish anyone like that….even the worst of us. I made peace with the thought that if God could have prevented the accident he most definitely would have. I am a very religious person and it took me a while to start up that relationship with God again but it did help me and carry me onto the next day however miserable it has been thus far. Most days I have to settle for getting out of bed and doing mindless chores and looking after the kids ad triumphant. I don’t believe that life teaches us valuable lessons and that everything has a meaning attached to it…I feel life is just that….a series of different scenarios or paths that lead us down whichever avenue based on the choices we make.
I stopped asking why and saying what if…not because I am on some type of healing path but only because in reality even of God himself sat me down and explained the why it still wouldn’t satisfy me.
To see my kids in such pain where we cry daily for my husband leaves me so exhausted and helpless because I know this can’t be fixed. We too wish we could just go to bed and never wake up again but so far that obviously hasn’t happened so we push on….. We don’t expect much and are in fear of life itself. Speaking to a grief therapist often makes me feel like it is just a mind trick to convince ourselves that we can move through grief even if it never feels that way….yet still we go for therapy.
There are no words that can or will comfort you, but know that you are not alone in this sea of grief…..we all are lost here and have to succumb to the tides and ebbs and flows…sometimes it is more manageable and therapeutic to just cry….
The fact that you are waiting for your daughter to finish school etc tells me that even though you are so broken you are still able to care for her enough to stick it out till your last breath. Right now my only hope for you is that it is enough to carry you to a calmer space.
This feeling of such intensity and having your entire universe turned upside down isn’t to be taken lightly…..I sense that you are a warrior even if you don’t realise it.
I hope that you continue having strength to keep standing….
God is not real, If he is, he punishes good people and rewards the bad, I totally agree with you “I wish I was dead 🙁
I lost a lot of my faith when my son died in June 2020, mad as hell and question f God really excists, my pain will never go away, so sorry for you
I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through. If you are at risk of hurting yourself or others, please immediately call 911 or go to the nearest Crisis Center or Emergency Room. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, available 24 hours a day: Call 1-800-273-8255.
My husband died on Sept.29, 2020, the day you posted this. I so understand your grief. My husband and I had been married 43 years and raised three children. We overcame all kinds of problems. I still feel like I’m acting and in a different world, esp now with this Covid 19 virus.
My husband was my soul mate. What I miss so much is that person who understands me, who can console me, who can make me laugh, who knows what to do when bad things happen, and who will be there with me through it all. I don’t think there is an answer to making the pain go away, but please understand this: My mother died from cancer when I was 20, it was very traumatic. I tried to kill myself. Don’t do that to your daughter. And if you still have parents, it would be much worse for them. I still regret the anguish I gave my father while he was grieving about the loss of my mother, his wife. Bottom line: You are alive for a reason. Make the most of it.
Im in the same position as you but my daughter goes to university in September so that is the end for me .
I KNOW your pain I truly do. My husband died over 20 years ago and it STILL feels unbearable much of the time. But I also know your husband would NOT want your love for him to cause you in any way to end your life! I also remind myself all the time how very LUCKY I was to have actually had that kind of profound love- you must know SO many people who have never and maybe will never be loved the way you and your husband did. Your emptiness will never go away but you STILL have all the things your husband loved about you to share with your daughter, friends, other lonely people you can help and honor his memory by doing as much as you can for other people when you lack the heart to do for yourself! It’s helped me survive and SOME DAYS EVEN BE HAPPY. With your wonderful memories and those moments of happiness MAKE THAT ENOUGH OF A LIFE TO VALUE PLEASE.
Dear Wish I was Dead, So very sorry for your loss. But please consider: Those of us older people who are single and childless may never know your pain. But we also possibly will never know the joy and fulfillment you had when he was alive, or the fulfillment you have as a mother. We will never have what you have. I know it may sound strange, but I envy you. You are mother to a child who is part of you, and part of the man you loved so deeply. I can’t imagine what it feels like to be you, but I would give almost anything to have what you have. We are all fortunate to be alive, and must nurture a deep gratitude for all we do have. One of my favorite poems is by Khalil Jibran. Part of it goes: “When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow which is giving you joy./When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which had been your delight.” I wish you peace, and joy in your daughter and the life you have. I believe God is taking care of you and your family.
I feel the same way as my daughter is only 9 I as well have to wait.