- When you lose someone close to you, that grief never fully goes away—but you do learn to cope with it over time.
- Several effective coping techniques include talking with loved ones about your pain, remembering all of the good in your life, engaging in your favorite activities, and consulting a grief counselor.
- You’ll never “get over” the loss of your loved one, but the painful feelings you’re experiencing will lessen as you accept the loss.
- While you’re often distracted initially by these painful feelings, there is much to learn from the loss of a loved one—such as just how beautiful life and love are.
You’ve just received the devastating news that your loved one has passed. Your overcrowded, overwhelmed mind feels like it’s racing at 100 miles per hour—in that moment and even several weeks later. Will my grief ever go away? Will I ever get over this loss? When will it get better? You wish more than anything that you had all the answers. Fortunately, Kriss Kevorkian, PhD, MSW, is here to help me speak to these tough questions that are wreaking havoc on your mind and provide you with some comforting answers:
Will my grief ever go away?
“No, but it will lessen as we learn to cope with it,” Kevorkian insists. “People often say that time heals all wounds. It doesn’t heal them, but it gives us the opportunity to learn from them. Either we can learn from these lessons or ignore them and be challenged again and again until we do learn them. Grief teaches us to appreciate what we have and not to take it for granted.”
When you receive the devastating news that your loved one is gone, your natural reaction isn’t to decide, “Hey, it’s okay, this is a learning experience.” Instead, it’s instinctual to feel upset, angry, confused, hurt, hopeless. It often takes a little bit of time to accept this upsetting experience as one to learn from.. and that’s alright. Until then, you can implement a few strategies to start coping with the loss and moving forward from here:
- Share your loss and pain with those close to you. Do you have a close friend or family member you feel comfortable opening up to? Talking about the loss and how you feel about the loss will help you address your feelings rather than avoid them.
- Think about all that you still have; think about all of the good in your life. You are without a doubt in a terribly unfortunate and painful situation, but that doesn’t mean your whole life is bad. Try to remind yourself of all the good that remains.
- Spend time doing some of your favorite things. It might be hard to return to some of your favorite activities at first, but it’s important you continue to spend your time doing what you love: whether that’s running, dancing, painting, knitting, reading, or simply chatting with your friends.
- Consider meeting with a grief counselor. Grief counselors can help you make peace with the loss and move forward with your life. Furthermore, they’ll work to ensure you don’t engage in any unhealthy grieving patterns.
Will I ever get over it?
Let’s start answering this question by rephrasing it: will you ever stop missing your loved one? Will you ever stop wishing that they were still here? The answer is no. You’ll never completely get over the loss of a loved one because, well, you loved them. The fact that the loss is so difficult to accept is proof of this love. Kevorkian further highlights the forever impact of a devastating loss: “People often tell others who are grieving to get over it, but why? Would you get over the loss of someone who has meant the world to you? Why would you even consider such a thing? Kids are often told by their peers to get over it when a loved one dies saying something like, “So, your grandma died. She was old! Get over it!” We never know the relationship this kid had with his/her grandma. They could’ve been super close, so of course they’re not going to get over it.”
That being said, the painful feelings you’re experiencing will lessen as you come to terms with the loss. And the key to helping this process along is really allowing yourself to feel those emotions. I know it isn’t fun to feel angry or upset, and you’d rather avoid it. But doing so will only suppress your emotions and make the grieving process even harder on yourself. So, do yourself a favor and accept the fact that you’re going through something horrible—but that you will get through it.
When will it get better?
When will the pain end? When will I be back to my normal self? As we just discussed, when you lose a loved one you care so immensely about, you just aren’t the same person anymore. You’ve been impacted in a way that will forever change you—but that’s not to say you’re forever changed in a negative way. As Kevorkian explains, there are so many life lessons to learn from loss: one being just how beautiful love is… let alone, life!
“It will get better when you begin to find meaning in the loss and appreciate the relationship you had no matter how long it lasted. When you think about it, life is pretty amazing that we can find someone or something that means so much to us that when that person or thing is no longer here, we feel pain and sorrow because of it,” she explains. “Can you imagine going through life never knowing such tremendous love that would later cause profound grief? We’d live an emotionless life.”
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Hi
I recently lost my husband , the first month was difficult all I wanted to do was join him, seeing the hurt my children felt stopped me from doing anything silly. Now in the second month I allow and embrace the wobbles that hit me like a tidal wave, I accept them and the memories of his death (in my arms) are surpassed by good memories because I consider myself so very lucky to have met him and loved him, the good memories are moving forward and envelope me with love. I will never get over his death but I will hold it tight embrace it and carry it forward with me until the burden get lighter. I love and miss my hubby and find working on projects that we had planned helps.
I feel exactly as you do, as if I wrote your comment. It helps to see that other people also feel what I do, because it’s hard to talk to friends and family about this who don’t really understand fully what I am going through and have not experienced this.
Thank you for this writing. I lost my husband to Covid, that destroyer, 6 weeks ago. It hurts so much, and I do not feel like the same person. I am lost. But, I felt better reading your comments. The memory of watching him stop breathing and seeing his face turn white just break my heart. I wish I could forget the pain this causes me. He and I were married 52 years. How do you live without your spouse? I am just surviving.
Yes you feel like you are just surviving, I feel like a zombie like an empty shell. I’ve lost my husband on Jan 29-2021 we’ve been together for 27 beautiful years, I’ve thought about suicide many many times.
We’re so sorry to read what you’re going through. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, or thinking about hurting yourself or others, please seek immediate help. Call 911, go to your closest emergency room, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. This national network of local crisis centers provides free support, and someone is always available to talk.
You can also find a list of other helpful resources here, such as the Crisis Text Line, National Domestic Violence Hotline, and more. Remember, life can get better with the right help. https://twx.atlantacounseling.com/immediate-help/
I lost my husband of 33 yrs in jan 2021. He died during an ugly fight with our son. We had a dysfunctional family. The fights of last two years have made me not remember any good time we had. He had stopped communicating from last two years. I wanted the marriage to last and he passed away suddenly. Can’t get over his loss. I had no life other than he. Devastated plz share some thoughts
Here’s the thing: yes, the pain lessens, but that’s because you die a little each day after awhile instead of dying a lot like you do in the beginning. I pray that God will take me to Heaven sooner, rather than later because I’m tired of dying slowly. I’m not suicidal; just tired of “living” without my husband. Heaven will be so much better than earth. I don’t want my children to suffer losing their mother after having lost their father, so I pray for God to give me strength to keep dying a little each day with courage until He’s ready to take me to Heaven. Fifty-four years of having my husband wasn’t nearly long enough.
Hi Diane, I am so sorry about your loss of a husband for so many years. My husband passed away just over 3 months ago from lung cancer and we had just celebrated our 50th anniversary. I miss him so badly my chest hurts because I already have a condition called costochondritis that makes my chest hurt. I feel like you – that I want to die slowly as I feel my life has no meaning now that my beloved husband is gone. Every day is a struggle and it takes more energy than I have to get through each day. I have children and grandchildren but nothing can take the place of my husband. I think I am still in shock from the situation with his death and sometimes I feel almost paralyzed and can’t cope with my life as it now is. Just know that I understand what you are feeling and that you are not alone. Like me I am sure you have family and friends who care very much about you and like me that has to be some reason to go on, however difficult it may be.
If you want to email me that is fine: rsmonty@telusplanet.net.
Be kind to yourself each day and do something special once in a while that brings you some joy. I love orchids so I buy a beautiful one every once in a while.
All my best.
Louise
I know how you feel. I am having trouble coming to terms with my husband’s death. Now and then, I am granted a break from the pain as I get involved with necessary activities and obligations I have. (Work, handling affairs etc). I try very hard to remember that I was not singled out for this great loss. Then I remember that we all will have our time to die as well and that it is part of life. Then I try to erase the last worst moments and remember the lifetime of good memories and realize that they count the most and that our beloved husbands want us to take care of things here on earth now as that is important to him as well as my children and grandchildren. I imagine him looking down on me with approval and confidence that I am going to handle necessary things here until it is my time to depart. That is all sometimes difficult to do, but I keep trying to remember those things and it helps with the pain and sorrow. I also am aware that we feel pain & sorry because we had something so special in life to love, and many people die without knowing such a treasure.
Diane,
Those are my thoughts and feelings exactly. My husband passed away three months ago. It is unbearable. Everything really does seem pointless. I am not suicidal either, but eternity now feels what it is like to live without the love of my life
Grief is true, deep love with nowhere to go. When your loved one passes away he/she will never die because they will always live in your heart and soul.
Hi Christina and others going through the deep pain of grief. I appreciate how difficult and troubling it is. Please keep going and be good to yourselves. Eat, sleep well, exercise, treat yourself. Think about the pain of loss and how painful it would be to any of your children if you passed on soon after. Please look after yourselves and think about what a gift life is. I’m sure your loved ones (with you or no longer with you) want you to live life as fully as possible and not to always be sadx
loosing someone you love is very difficult, my 2 daughters 12 yrs and 9 years died on the 12th October 2020. Their father burn the house with him together with my kids and they died. i feel like i don’t want to live anymore am in so much pain
We’re so sorry to read what you’re going through. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, or thinking about hurting yourself or others, please seek immediate help. Call 911, go to your closest emergency room, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. This national network of local crisis centers provides free support, and someone is always available to talk.
You can also find a list of other helpful resources here, such as the Crisis Text Line, National Domestic Violence Hotline, and more. Remember, life can get better with the right help. https://twx.atlantacounseling.com/immediate-help/
Hi Diane..my husband passed away on July 7/2020…I am, at this moment, crying uncontrollably as I do every day..we were married for 54 years…how am I supposed to get to live without him.
My husband of 46 years passed away September 29, 2020 and yes, each day is hard as I miss him terribly. Oddly, my sister, with whom I did not have a prior close relationship has given me hope. She lost her 15 year old son in 2013 and her husband about 2 years later. Both died in her home. When I think of her and see how she has coped with her grief, I know there is hope. She told me that for about 14 months, she was really sad, but now she wakes up each morning and is no longer sad. She sees things that remind her of her son and husband, but smiles at the happy memories that she shared with them.
Just yesterday I found some old letters my husband had written me when he was deployed for Desert Storm 29 years ago. In almost every letter, he was concerned that our youngest son, who was 5 at the time, would not remember him. I cried at first when I found the letters, and then I smiled as our son is now 35 and shared a very close relationship with his Father for 30 years hence. Those are life’s gifts that we are given in sharing a close, loving relationship with another. Many people never experience the kind of love I had with him. As they say, grief is really a selfish emotion, and I try to count my blessings as often as I can whenever I feel depressed about his death. There are so many people who never get the experience of loving someone so deeply for so long. God gave me that gift.
I feel the same I lost the love of my life 2 weeks and 3 days ago and don’t know what to do
I keenly understand the sentiments expressed here. My husband and I were hit head on by a drunk driver on our way home from church one Wednesday night. I was seriously injured but he was killed.That was four years ago and I keep waiting for the pain to lessen but it does not. If anything, it gets worse as I face the rest of my life without the love of my life. We did everything together and each lived to bring joy to the other. He is in my thoughts and on my mind every minute of every day! Like others I would never commit suicide because of my children but all the joy and the beautiful colors are gone from my life. My close friends have been wonderful but after awhile I could see them becoming tired of the sadness so I have quit sharing. I went to counseling for the first two years but it didn’t do anything for the unbearable painful ache in my heart. My husband’s death has caused me to have to live on half of our previous income so I cannot afford to search for an effective counselor. I just want those of you who are in the same situation to know that you are not alone. Not that that really solves anything. I pray every night that God will take me soon and I will be reunited with my precious husband for eternity!!
Hi so sorry im the same miss my partner of 20 years we had one daughter im trying to stay strong for her but really don’t want to carry on living X
I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through. If you are at risk of hurting yourself or others, please immediately call 911 or go to the nearest Crisis Center or Emergency Room.
You are wise to realize that you are so lucky to have had him and to have experienced so deep a love. Some of us have never known that deep a romantic love.
I hear you Diane, it has now been 19 months since my husband had a bike accident, so fast, no time to prepare. I am still in denial yet every time I come home he is not here, he will never go with me anywhere. The only positive thing is I see my children carrying on with their lives. I know they hurt but they are surviving. I know if something happened to me, they would go on raising their families, laughing, travelling, celebrating special occasions, the same as my husband and I did. We had each other, we could get thru the worse of times together, I need a hug from him so badly.
I get up each morning waiting for the day to be over.
I enjoy nothing, care about very little, I want “us” back. “they” say I will get thru it some day, never over it just through it. What do they know, life is not a gift it is a curse.
Please know Diane I feel what you are feeling, I get it. It is hard to find people who get it.
My husband and I were 54 years married as well:)
I feel just as you say some days DOING SOMETHING SILLY !!!! But his live for me helps stop me and a wonderful son who has stood by me thank god thank you for the wise words l am tired of living with out my husband derrick Stephens lm broken basically ❤️
God bless you. I feel the same dying and tired of living without him. I ask God to give me strength to go on, but without my husband I can’t find a reason to care. I hope and pray life will pass quickly so I can see him again.
I totally understand how you feel. I’m so sorry for your list I’ve just lost my husband on Jan 29-2021 still very fresh.
I lost my amazing son, Philip to suicide. I will never get over his death. I miss him often… every day. He died in 2007 at the age of 23. Part of me died the day Philip died…
My son also died by suicide, this year, in April. The pain of losing him is more than I can bear. A part of me died with him. I’ll never be the same again. How can you be? The person you loved before they were even born, the person you loved unconditionally. This is a pain no mother should experience. My heart goes out to you and I know the grief you fell. I await the day I can be with him again. I have two other boys, so I’m trying to stay strong. My poor mum is worried sick about me and then I’m worried about her worrying. It’s a viscous circle. I’m trying to br strong but its early days and I’m not going very well at it. My heart physically hurts….
I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through. If you are at risk of hurting yourself or others, please immediately call 911 or go to the nearest Crisis Center or Emergency Room.
Karen, I also lost my son, 18 to suicide this past June. Your words are my feelings exactly. I also have one other son that wakes me up every morning. My heart also physically aches/hurts. Have you been able to do household chores, or return to work yet? I cant stand to be in my house, shortly after I awake I sit on my deck, and I have not returned to work yet.
my son, Marc passed away from cardiac arrest during the night on June 22nd 2020, he just turned 40 the week before.
I miss and think of him every minute of every day since, I will never be the same person I was the day before his died, all I want is to be with him but I am grateful for having the most supportive and loving husband in the world, however I will never accept Marc not being here with me and am very angry at God for taking my only loving child away from me, I had enough loss in my life already, this was the last straw 🙁 RIP Baby, hope to see you soon, Hugs to Heaven…Mom