Crossing the Line
Dear Thriveworks,
My father-in-law came back from a trip overseas and gave me a sweater as a gift. My sister-in-law pounced on the sweater and said it was a sweater that she had purchased online. My husband got upset and my father-in-law as well. Still, I gave the sweater to her but inside I could not believe the audacity of a 40 year old woman, let alone family. With family she crosses the line.
I will give up my seat for her when she comes over my house. But when I do go over to her house, she doesn’t do the same. I’m in an awkward place watching her and her father eating, it is so disheartening. I am now being cold with her. My father-in-law got me a new sweater. But my sister-in-law’s behavior is so tacky. Help…
Sincerely,
Very Put Out
Dear VPO,
It’s almost a cliché how difficult it can be to get along with one’s in-laws. That said, this situation is one that I often see — not just with families, but with relationships in general. It seems, when there is an instance wherein you and your sister-in-law disagree on what is true or fair, you capitulate to her, only to then become angry and resentful afterward. You do this because you think it’s going to reduce conflict — but it doesn’t. The conflict is still there, it’s just internalized — and you become the victim or loser in any and all conflicts.
Next time your sister-in-law tries to steal one of your sweaters, insisting that it’s hers, try this: Instead of giving it to her, tell her that you disagree and believe that it’s yours (and calmly explain why). There will certainly be an external conflict, but you won’t be the victim.
Similarly, next time your sister-in-law comes to your home for dinner, don’t give up your seat at the table for her unless you feel at peace about it. She has shown that she will not give up her seat for you (when you visit her home), so you will need to decide if you are willing to be more hospitable to her than she is to you.
If you can’t be at peace with the imbalance in hospitality, don’t give up your seat.
Sincerely,
Anthony
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Anthony Centore
She uses passive aggressive behavior when she is mad at me or will ask what is wrong with my looks when she is talking to me and trying to be nice.She is not normal as far as behavior. My hubby thinks she had a breakdown , but I told him that I will answer back if she crosses the line in my house, which normally will do. Personally think she exhibits bi polar tendencies. She will have an episode and then go back to her old self but then demand or boss my husband . Thank goodness he says no.What other advice can I use in dealing with her???
I thought this was a very compelling situation and while I am very comfortable with conflict, I think my additional insight might be useful to someone who prefers conflict avoidance.
1. Unspoken expectations have about zero percent chance of being met. if you want pancakes for breakfast and never say, “I want pancakes” then there is almost no chance you get your expectations met. Speak those expectations. Do it calmly and with tact but at least let others know what it is you want. In the conflict above it is perfectly acceptable to say, “I would love to try out the recliner…do you mind if sit for a few minutes?” It is also acceptable to say, “This sweater was a gift to me but if you really love it I will give it to you because I care about you.”
2. Be prepared to have failed expectations even when you speak them. Sometimes we really want something and we even ask for it and somehow we get let down. I see this often in couples counseling. Be it sexual intimacy, chores, or even spending quality time I hear one spouse say, “He/She won’t do _____ even if I ask nicely or beg.” There will be times when our expectations go unfulfilled BUT…there is hope. See my next point…
3. Coach your loved ones. This is not the same thing as nagging your loved ones. This is not the same as demanding things from your loved ones. We must literally train each other to be better at helping us get our needs met. That might be hard to swallow, but consider housebreaking a new puppy. It is not likely that a new pup will just go to the door and wait for you to open it so he can go out to pee. We must train the pup. As maniacal as it might sound, we do this with our loved ones. Don’t we reinforce good behavior as well as bad behavior? Sure…we do it all the time. I want my lovely wife to cook great meals for me pretty much every day. I am the husband who never ever forgets to compliment her cooking (reinforce good behavior). I am willing to help her clean up when she cooks (more reinforcement). Heck I even brag about her cooking to friends, family and neighbors. it works.
4. Lastly I would encourage the person above (VPO) to approach her in laws with the “love bank” mentality. We must make a lot of regular deposits in the love bank before any withdrawals can be made. That takes, time, patience, and a genuine desire to connect. If you can do that, there is an excellent chance for reciprocity…BUT don’t expect it. Just enjoy it when it comes and be surprised.
Good luck
Curtiss Robinson
Thriveworks-Conway