- People-pleasers are those who never say “no.” They’re the people who sacrifice their own needs to help others, to their own detriment.
- If you yourself are a people-pleaser, the good news is that you can get out of this harmful pattern as long as you put in the necessary work.
- First, you need to recognize that there is a problem with putting your needs on the backburner and bringing others’ needs to the forefront.
- Once you’ve made this important realization, you can then work on getting to the root of the problem: why do you have people-pleasing tendencies?
- Finally, you can set your boundaries and work at maintaining those boundaries: do what you need and want to be doing, and then consider what you can/want to do for others.
My brother shakes his head and sighs, “You’re too nice. It’s going to get you into trouble one day.”
I’ve heard it one too many times. I know that I’m a people-pleaser, but I’ve always struggled to see the flaw in that… until recently. After exhausting myself, taking on task after task for my friends and family—watching Emma’s dog, picking up dinner for my dad, getting in touch with my sister for my brother—I took a pause. In an innocent effort to keep my loved ones happy, I failed to even consider my own happiness. I told myself I had to make a change. And I did.
I make it sound seamless; however, it was anything but. I had to really work at it. I had to work at first understanding why I had these people-pleasing tendencies; and then I had to work at countering those tendencies to prioritize my own wellbeing. Now, if you identify all too well with the term, “people-pleaser,” don’t worry: you can make a healthy change too. Mabel Yiu, marriage and family therapist, is going to walk us through the same steps that helped me take control of my life again:
Understanding There Is a Problem
First and foremost, you need to understand that there is indeed a problem: with sacrificing your own happiness and wellbeing for others. If you’ve ever flown on a plane, you’ve heard a flight attendant explain the need for putting on your own oxygen mask, before helping others. It’s the same idea. It’s vital you take care of yourself first. If you don’t, you’ll suffer the consequences. “Always being the one that is called on to step in, help out, or get the job done, can leave you feeling used, resentful, and overwhelmed,” Yiu explains. “I am talking about being that person who never says ‘no’: the people pleaser.”
Again, you don’t have to continue living your life this way. And you’re already on the way to improvement, in that you’re recognizing the need for change: “The good news is you don’t have to go on like this. You can establish boundaries and teach the people around you how you want to be treated. You can learn to say ‘no,’ to do the things that make you happy and turn down the things that do not,” says Yiu.
Getting to the Root of the Problem
Now that you’ve recognized there is a problem, you need to figure out where that problem stems from. In other words, you need to understand why you have people-pleasing tendencies. What is it you’re trying to prove? Or, are you driven not by pride but devotion? What is it?
“First thing’s first, you should ask yourself why you feel like you need to please others,” Yiu says. “What drives you to never say ‘no’? Does it have to do with your self-confidence, or wanting to be liked/respected? Are you trying to compete with others around you or prove something to yourself or others? Whatever it is, come to terms with it. Taking on all these things and being ‘walked’ on is not good for you. You are worthy of your time. Your time is important.”
Building Your Fence
The next step is to start building your fence or, in other words, setting your boundaries. Just as a physical fence keeps what’s inside safe, your boundaries will keep you safe. “Be firm but permeable,” Yiu advises. “I am not telling you to shut out the world and turn down everything. I am encouraging you to figure out the things you would like to be doing and do those things. It will do wonders for the relationships in your life because you feel better about how you are spending your days. You won’t feel the resentment you have felt.
Yiu puts these boundaries into perspective: “For example, if you have a friend or family member who is always expecting you to run errands or always wants to borrow money from you, let them know that ends now. Tell them nicely yet firmly that you are not comfortable helping in this way anymore. They may get mad for a little while, but eventually, they will learn to respect your time and energy.”
The Moral of the Story…
…is that you important, and you must put yourself first. Yiu broadens the scope: “You need to take care of you before you can fully take care of anyone else. You need to create your own happiness. Put your foot down where needed and get back to doing the things that leave you going to bed with a smile on your face.” Trust us: you’ll be happy you did.
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Taylor Bennett
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I have allowed my.mother and her boyfriend to live in my rental property for nearly 20 years or more. They originally took it at market value rent, but quickly advised they couldn’t afford it all, so sublet my houses granny flat to reduce their rent with another person. I have to pay that persons water bills as there are no separate water meters. They are now 73 and 83. I asked many years ago for them to move out. I wanted to sell and they refused to go. In fact, they screamed at me, locked me out of the house (I was staying there after being made redundant in my job) and as I got upset tried to say I was mentally unstable and called an ambulance. Of course I was upset but certainly not mentally unstable. I was upset because my mother’s boyfriend pinched me so hard on my chest during our argument. My mother was in tears.
My mother has had literally thousands of dollars out of me. She’s been shouted around the world and had multiple holidays paid for. During this time, she demanded I buy her clothes and gifts for her friends. She us sadly broke because past relationships involved her feeling sorry for her partners and she gave them her house money- taken for her ride. Her current boyfriend is a leeach too. He pays for honey (yes, honey the spread) and power. I suspect he gambles her money and his away. They are both migrants and arrived in Australia but ate in restaurants expecting life to magically bring in money. They worked some but jobs but opted to be Artists and photographers instead of getting a standard reliable day job. As a result they struggle financially. No savings whatsoever and credit card debt.
I am in my rental property now with them fixing up maintenance. They did not really take good care of my house in 20 years. They break things and joke that I will pay for them. This includes the pool that they didn’t buy proper pool chemicals for resulting in my having to replace the pool shell ( it had 3 inches of sludge in it, chemically imbalanced resulting in rust), and they now don’t mow the lawns. I have to pay for pool servicing and lawn mowing.
I live in my own house that they rent for next to nothing while the other tenant makes up a little more rent.
I have brought my mother a car.
I have provided all of their food, thousands and thousands of dollars of it, in compensation for my living with them in their rental property or my house.
I am the daughter.
The boyfriend has done nothing for me financially ever in my life. Unfortunately he has be5prrsent since I was 17. He is now 73 asking me to take care if him, and pay for his funeral costs later in.
I put myself through university and they didn’t support me then.
My mother helped my useless brother financially with his house deposit but she didn’t help me because I was working day in and out to get ahead. Something my brother never did.
They are all too lazy yo work in my view.
While I work to give my mother a hundred dollars a week for food, they drink coffee and make zero effort to bring in any money.
I can’t sell my house because my mother will end up on the street as she has so much credit card debt she could never get a lease, no cope with it.
I must admit, I am very disappointed with them. I fo not care for my mother’s boyfriend at all but I love my mum. But sometimes because of this situation I get angry and it upsets me so much it has made me I think sick. It is stressful to be nearly and still have to find rent to pay because your mother has taken over your house with her boyfriend.
I feel do financially used that I can’t even live with my mum, because she wants things she can’t afford, things like a new bed to replace her old one, perfume (hint hint) and her 2 cats vet bills. The boyfriend does not take any responsibility. I must admit I only tolerate him because of my mother.
I have never seen any two people be so irresponsible for their own care as what they are.
I am resentful that every day I support them and go without myself.
HOWEVER do I really want to be someone to have thrown out their mum on the street? In my life, I consider my achievement to be my ability to help. But yes, it can go so far that you disempower people to not be able to help themselves.
In truth, I wish I had another family for all the pain and suffering my mother has put on my shoulders. She and her boyfriend are burdens on me.
I suggest you NEVER allow family to move into your rental property. My mother was 50 when she moved into my home. Not 70 not 60 but 50.
Do not ever get yourself into my position. Its impacted my overall life, my happiness, my financial abilities and tied me down.
You cannot make a person work if they don’t want to, or are too proud to. You cannot lead a horse to water sometimes and make it drink.
Sadly it is true that whilst I have a lot of love for my mum, she’s pushed the limits.
Now, I am facing an auto immune disease. I resent being the family provider when the boyfriend won’t step up. Shame on hi..