- People-pleasers are those who never say “no.” They’re the people who sacrifice their own needs to help others, to their own detriment.
- If you yourself are a people-pleaser, the good news is that you can get out of this harmful pattern as long as you put in the necessary work.
- First, you need to recognize that there is a problem with putting your needs on the backburner and bringing others’ needs to the forefront.
- Once you’ve made this important realization, you can then work on getting to the root of the problem: why do you have people-pleasing tendencies?
- Finally, you can set your boundaries and work at maintaining those boundaries: do what you need and want to be doing, and then consider what you can/want to do for others.
My brother shakes his head and sighs, “You’re too nice. It’s going to get you into trouble one day.”
I’ve heard it one too many times. I know that I’m a people-pleaser, but I’ve always struggled to see the flaw in that… until recently. After exhausting myself, taking on task after task for my friends and family—watching Emma’s dog, picking up dinner for my dad, getting in touch with my sister for my brother—I took a pause. In an innocent effort to keep my loved ones happy, I failed to even consider my own happiness. I told myself I had to make a change. And I did.
I make it sound seamless; however, it was anything but. I had to really work at it. I had to work at first understanding why I had these people-pleasing tendencies; and then I had to work at countering those tendencies to prioritize my own wellbeing. Now, if you identify all too well with the term, “people-pleaser,” don’t worry: you can make a healthy change too. Mabel Yiu, marriage and family therapist, is going to walk us through the same steps that helped me take control of my life again:
Understanding There Is a Problem
First and foremost, you need to understand that there is indeed a problem: with sacrificing your own happiness and wellbeing for others. If you’ve ever flown on a plane, you’ve heard a flight attendant explain the need for putting on your own oxygen mask, before helping others. It’s the same idea. It’s vital you take care of yourself first. If you don’t, you’ll suffer the consequences. “Always being the one that is called on to step in, help out, or get the job done, can leave you feeling used, resentful, and overwhelmed,” Yiu explains. “I am talking about being that person who never says ‘no’: the people pleaser.”
Again, you don’t have to continue living your life this way. And you’re already on the way to improvement, in that you’re recognizing the need for change: “The good news is you don’t have to go on like this. You can establish boundaries and teach the people around you how you want to be treated. You can learn to say ‘no,’ to do the things that make you happy and turn down the things that do not,” says Yiu.
Getting to the Root of the Problem
Now that you’ve recognized there is a problem, you need to figure out where that problem stems from. In other words, you need to understand why you have people-pleasing tendencies. What is it you’re trying to prove? Or, are you driven not by pride but devotion? What is it?
“First thing’s first, you should ask yourself why you feel like you need to please others,” Yiu says. “What drives you to never say ‘no’? Does it have to do with your self-confidence, or wanting to be liked/respected? Are you trying to compete with others around you or prove something to yourself or others? Whatever it is, come to terms with it. Taking on all these things and being ‘walked’ on is not good for you. You are worthy of your time. Your time is important.”
Building Your Fence
The next step is to start building your fence or, in other words, setting your boundaries. Just as a physical fence keeps what’s inside safe, your boundaries will keep you safe. “Be firm but permeable,” Yiu advises. “I am not telling you to shut out the world and turn down everything. I am encouraging you to figure out the things you would like to be doing and do those things. It will do wonders for the relationships in your life because you feel better about how you are spending your days. You won’t feel the resentment you have felt.
Yiu puts these boundaries into perspective: “For example, if you have a friend or family member who is always expecting you to run errands or always wants to borrow money from you, let them know that ends now. Tell them nicely yet firmly that you are not comfortable helping in this way anymore. They may get mad for a little while, but eventually, they will learn to respect your time and energy.”
The Moral of the Story…
…is that you important, and you must put yourself first. Yiu broadens the scope: “You need to take care of you before you can fully take care of anyone else. You need to create your own happiness. Put your foot down where needed and get back to doing the things that leave you going to bed with a smile on your face.” Trust us: you’ll be happy you did.
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Taylor Bennett
Start a Relationship with An Exceptional Counselor
- Skilled and caring professional counselors
- Accepting all major and most insurances
- High-touch customer service & premium benefits
- Same- or next-day appointments
- Ultra-flexible 23.5hr cancellations
Hi All! I’ve been taken advantage by my mom and my siblings for over 10 years and I finally put my foot down and said it was enough…I nearly thought I was going to die this March 2020 because I was my mom’s caregiver for 10 years and she lost her apartment for not following the rules…so my husband and I took her in last October to live with us in our house since none of my other siblings want to step up. She was a very rude and disrespectful 71 year old lady to myself and my husband because she couldn’t do as please in our kitchen…she nearly almost burnt her old apartment down and so I decided to cook her meals and she wasn’t satisfied so I had fell into a deep anxiety attack and ocd (which I was never ocd from the beginning) and when it hit me, my heart started pumping so hard that I almost collapsed because my mom was like a germ or a parasite and I had to clean after her and then would run to my room and cry and then use my inhaler because I couldn’t breathe and with all the covid-19 going on, I couldn’t handle being around dirtiness! And my siblings said my mom was never the issues…I’m the one with the issue and that I’m being selfish for not able to handle her as she is my mom…Therefore I had to distant myself from all of them because none of them been in my shoes and all they did was bashing me for not able to handle my mom anymore. They told me I should be able to take it, overall she’s my mom! Yet they have been living like they can travel anywhere w/o an attachment! I myself have never traveled because she’s stuck on my hip! I was only given 2 hours a day to watch her, but they made it seems like I need to be there for her 24/7! I’ve been spending hours every month for the past 8 years in the ER Because she would go to her friends house on weekends and drink and then dehydrated and I’m the one that’s been there and at most, I had to neglect my needs, my children’s needs and my husband’s needs because of my mom! So may of 2020, that’s when I decided to put my foot down and send her to my sister…which she’s the main one I’m no longer talking to since she posted on social media that I’m a dead beat child…it’s because I’m trying to take care of myself now. I am actually doing ok since she left. But still on anxiety meds.
I was put on perm disability for severe depression 199ì i am sick of discrinanation Drs, sociñķķmedicare honestly i called to check my covñķķxx
This woman told me i had been on it long enough noķķxai 8 have been working in this for years and i am o ly on stress and sleeping pĺ i rarely take it i go 6 to 7bdays no sleep then iķķ k am just getting sick of the human rñ racebbĺ i onlymake 800 month cant sfgord you
I am so glad you had the strength and courage to stand up and tell her to go . My mom is also the same but takes pills. I’m so depressed now I have 2 grown kids living with me and my sister is of no help. I take care of her when she per say is supposedly helping. I’m going insane. I’m so happy for you . Thank you for sharing.
I’d like to know what to do when your boyfriend is the one who’s like this and you’re at wits’ end to get him to change. My boyfriend of 5 months has 3 older half-sisters – one of whom has constantly taken advantage of him for years – including stealing substantial amounts of money from him. (His Mother – now deceased – was an emotionally/financially/mentally/physically abusive alcoholic – and I’m wondering if somehow that has something to do with the family dynamics)…
Last week, we got into an argument because he wanted to give her a gift – worth a fairly large sum of money. I freaked and brought up the fact that she’s stolen well over $10,000.00 from him in the past, and was also fired from her position as a Personal Support Worker in an old age home for stealing from elderly patients. (She was prosecuted for that and received a sentence).
This same sister also inherited their deceased Mother’s trailer in a nice rural area. She has repeatedly told my boyfriend he’s “not welcome” there. Say what???!!! WHY does he insist on remaining in contact with her? WHY does he insist on giving her things? She’s a troll (I’ve met her and was not impressed).
My boyfriend’s response was “She’s my sister and I love her.” REALLY? He’s told me multiple stories about how nasty she is (there’s more I won’t get into here). I have 2 older brothers, and if either of them ever pulled this crap with me, I’d never speak to them again – EVER. I realize everyone handles things differently, but this is just insane. While I love my boyfriend dearly, I’m afraid that this is going to be the death of the relationship.
I should point out that my boyfriend loves me as much as I love him, and would do anything in the world for me, but I don’t take advantage of him and I would certainly NEVER EVER steal from him. I would love some advice here, as I’m feeling pretty bewildered right now.
Do you have reddit? If you post it on there, you can get some great advice. Here are my two cents, that’s a very tough situation to be in. I would stop worrying myself and let him do as he pleases. I’m a people pleaser, but there’s a freaking limit and so much one can take. As much as you care about him, it isnt your problem to solve. My father is like this, he does so much for his family, yet is frugal when it comes to us. The worse thing is, my mom and dad have arguments over this all the time, it’s an endless unhealthy cycle. My mom has mentioned him taking the anger out on us when someone takes advantage of him. He can’t help himself. I think the best thing to do is, let them be. You’re losing out on anything? He still loves you all the same, but like I said as hard it is to not intervene, it’s his problem – he needs to recognise what an a**hole his sister truly is. Please stop worrying yourself.
So he’s been your it bf for 5 months and you are already freaking out about him giving a gift to his sister? Sounds like to him you are the one who he should set boundaries with and let it be known that just because he share too much his family business with you, you still can’t control.
very inyeresting