Love—perhaps the single most wonderful, yet complicated thing life has to offer us. We all hope to fill that gaping void; to discover that missing puzzle piece; to find that special someone to walk through life with. And when we do, we’re elated—we rejoice in the love and the happiness that it brings us. Only sometimes, that love (and the happiness it brings) doesn’t last. Instead, it dissipates or is overshadowed by much larger issues that threaten the entirety of the relationship. But our determination and desire for a happy ending cause us to stay, whilst wondering if it’s the right decision. Can we fix this? Or are we beyond the point of no return? Unfortunately, it’s often hard to tell; there are, however, a few tell-tale signs that your relationship is no longer salvageable, according to mental health professionals:
1) You keep breaking up and getting back together.
“One way to know a relationship is doomed is that you’ve already experienced a pattern of breaking up and getting back together,” explains Michele Moore, licensed professional counselor, certified coach, and relationship expert at Marriage Mojo. “This roller coaster tends to indicate that there are issues that may never be resolved, and you are both attempting to put a square peg in a round hole. This is especially damaging when one party is constantly pressuring the other to reconcile and the latter person continues to give in, only to end the relationship again a short time later.” So, while you may have hope that this time it will work out, continuously breaking up is a tell-tale sign that your relationship is likely beyond repair.
2) You’re afraid of your significant other.
“A relationship is beyond repair if you feel frightened when you hear your partner come home,” says relationship expert and dual licensed mental health professional Kryss Shane. “Whether the fear is based on past physical abuse, past sexual abuse, or from the emotional abuse that can result in a fear of what the partner might be mad about today, it’s time to get out.” It can be difficult to determine emotional and mental abuse, but if your partner constantly puts you down, makes you feel inadequate, or regularly manipulates you, you are likely in an unhealthy and harmful relationship—one that needs to come to an end.
3) Your bond or feelings have dissipated.
Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Mary Fisher says, “apathy that doesn’t budge,” is oftentimes a deal breaker. “It’s normal to go through periods of apathy, but if it feels like the status quo, it might mean that your basic bond with each other is too far gone,” she explains. “I almost never see couples recover when one partner’s basic attachment to the other has dissolved.” Apathy is simply the lack of feeling—of passion and emotion and concern. So, if you find that you’re apathetic toward your partner or they to you, that may be a sign that the love you once had has faded and it’s time to go your separate ways.
4) Your relationship is tainted with toxicity.
“You begin by answering this basic question—is this a toxic relationship or person? If the answer is “yes,” it is time to call it quits and get out before it only gets worse, which it will,” explains Psychotherapist and Relationship Coach Toni Coleman. She goes on to say that, “most people know in their gut that a relationship is beyond repair, but they stay due to fear of being alone, of not finding someone else, or even convenience—and they end up with much deeper regrets over the lost time they can never get back.” Therefore, it’s important we listen to our hearts and those gut feelings—that we stop denying what we know to be true and get out of that toxic relationship.
5) One or both of you aren’t willing to make an effort.
Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, licensed clinical professional counselor, is optimistic that most relationships can be salvaged; however, both partners must be driven to make it work: “I have seen relationships that other professionals have deemed irreparable come back from the point of no return. It ultimately depends on whether there is a willingness on both ends to commit to making an effort,” he says. “I believe one should always make an effort as most problems are salvageable if both people are willing. It isn’t always easy, and it can take time to repair, but if there is a will, there is a way.” Slatkin reminds us that it’s ultimately up to the two individuals involved and their willingness to repair their relationship. If they’re both driven to make it work and willing to make necessary changes, then the partnership can be salvaged.
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A man helped me restore my marriage
I happened to find your web page and appreciated the advice you have available.
I’ve been married for 12 years but for the past 7 have been struggling. I live in Japan and have no access to counseling. Your site mentions the possibility of phone counseling and I am curious as to whether that is a viable option for me to consider.
The following is a letter I wrote to my wife three years ago seeking change. She has never acknowleged it and nothing is any better. Out 10-year old son is worrying about his unhappy parents and in particular the critical comments that he has heard his mom and grandparents make about his dad. (I just learned this from him last night.)
Could you read my letter and tell me if you think there is any hope?
August 15, 2016
Dear S,
I guess that it is strange to type a letter to you, but it also seems like the only good way of communicating right now. I hope that you will read this and that we can find a solution.
Since about the time that you returned to work five years ago, there has been an increasingly obvious change in our relationship. To me, the changes are not good and the causes are unclear. And yesterday, M made it very clear that he too is suffering. Neither of us want that, right?
It is impossible for me to write about you here, because actually I don’t know you any more. So, most of this is about me. By reading it, I hope that you will understand my feelings and then possibly think of things that we can do differently. This letter is not about placing blame; it is intended to find a way to fix whatever is wrong.
Let me begin by very honestly telling you what I am feeling. I don’t keep a diary, so I am not completely sure about dates. Some events may be out of consequence. But that doesn’t really matter.
Soon after you returned to JIAM, you began commenting on my posture. Almost every day, you said that my back wasn’t straight. As days and weeks went by, I began to sense that you did not like walking with me. I intentionally stopped walking in front of you so that you wouldn’t see my back and I wouldn’t have to hear the criticism.
At about the same time, you began refusing me at night. Each time that I touched you, you pushed me away. First I thought that you were just not feeling well, but gradually, it became clear that you did not want any physical contact. Eventually, I gave up trying because of the disappointment and embarrassment; I lost all confidence. It has been more than five years now. (The last kiss was March 13, 2014 – the day I returned from the US.)
Both of us became increasingly busy and tired because of the long commute. At home you cooked dinner every night and made M’s lunch. I wanted to do something to ease your burden. So I did the laundry and cleaned. But just about every time that I did those things, you re-did them. You re-hung the laundry. You re-vacuumed the rooms. Everything had to be done to perfection – your way. I wasn’t good enough. So I gave up.
There was nothing I could do but watch the news or US television. However, when I did that, you made quiet comments about wishing that you could sit down but being too busy. I was made to feel guilty. The only thing left to do was to go to bed.
Finally, in the car on the way to and from work/school, I tried to talk. Yet just about everything I said you disagreed with. I was wrong or you had a better idea. At least that’s what it felt like to me. Nobody wants to be wrong all the time; so gradually I just stopped talking.
That pretty much brings us to where we are now. A silent, frustrated, glum family. M said it yesterday, “Mama and Dada never smile anymore.” He was sitting right beside you but you didn’t even say anything to him. He is being affected and we have to do something. We are supposed to be role-models.
I have asked you before to tell me what is wrong. You have never answered. Once, about four years ago, I asked you mother and she said, “I have no idea what S is thinking. She doesn’t talk to me.”
Last night, I felt that there is not much time left. That is why I am writing this letter to you today.
For M’s sake and for our sakes, some major changes are needed. I will listen to whatever you want to say. Silence isn’t working for either of us.
Hi Austin!
Thanks for taking the time to share your story and ask for help. Thriveworks operates a free mental health discussion board (you can find the link here: https://twx.atlantacounseling.com/community/), which is moderated by licensed mental health professionals who I know can offer you some helpful information. I recommend you post your question there. Best of luck to you.
Hello Austin. I am not a therapist or counsellor. I am a married mother in Australia who read this article for seem personal perspective. So take my suggestion with a grain of salt. First I want to say I admire your efforts to write the letter in 2016, to search for advice and information about the situation online, and to seek further therapy or counselling for yourself. You are clearly making efforts to seek a solution, that is commendable, as is your care for your son. My suggestion for you to access therapy or counselling is to find one based your home country (the US I think?) who has received many good reviews from clients which you can read for yourself, AND who offers sessions via Skype.