- Parents can and do gaslight their children, or manipulate them to question their sanity and cause them to doubt their own judgment and memory.
- Oftentimes, parents who engage in gaslighting have narcissistic personality traits and/or suffer with alcohol/drug abuse.
- Parents may outright lie to their children, discredit their thoughts, cause them to feel self-conscious, anxious, weak, and confused.
- If you suspect a parent is gaslighting you, you should bring these observations to a trusted individual’s attention, such as a counselor.
- You should also explore the possibility of family therapy, to potentially fix this unhealthy family dynamic.
Camille and Amma couldn’t be more different. Camille is a 30-something journalist, who prefers to stay under the radar. Amma, on the other hand, is her more outgoing and rebellious kid sister. That said, there is one common thread between them: their mother Adora. Or more specifically, their mother’s abuse.
If you’ve seen (or read) Sharp Objects, you know just how crazy the dynamic is between Adora and her daughters. One significant element being Adora’s manipulative tendencies. It’s obvious from the start that Adora isn’t the best mother, as she talks down to Camille and inappropriately babies Amma. Viewers and readers alike quickly observe the manipulation—often, gaslighting—and grow cautious, even afraid of Adora as they root for the wellbeing of her daughters.
Gaslighting Parents: Warning Signs
Adora lies to her children, undermines them, and manipulates them in a way that causes them to question their very sanity. This is gaslighting in the flesh. And while Adora, Camille, and Amma are but fictional characters in a popular miniseries, gaslighting is seen in many parent-child dynamics. Lisa Larsen, PsyD, a psychologist and coach, delves into how this form of manipulation is employed by parents:
“I often see parents who have narcissistic personality traits or who abuse drugs or alcohol manipulate their children into questioning their sanity. They can outright lie to their children about what they did and happened, or they can say things to their children like, ‘Are you sure you saw that?’ Sometimes, if the child has a diagnosed mental illness, a parent will use that to discredit the child’s credibility. They can do this in a falsely sweet way like, ‘Are you sure you aren’t just having symptoms? Have you taken your medication today?’
Alternatively, parents can be harsher about it, by outright insulting the child, such as, ‘What do you know? You’re just crazy!’ The child can start to suffer from anxiety, confusion, low self-esteem, and question their own reality. They might be less assertive than other children in speaking truth to power and become socially passive. Unfortunately, being passive can lead to others manipulating and bullying them as well. Sometimes, the parent will make a show of loving their children to the public, but verbally lash out at them at home, heaping blame and inappropriate responsibility on the child at home.”
Put an End to the Manipulation
I’m going to leave it to you to find out how Camille and Amma deal with their mother’s manipulative ways. In the meantime, if you suspect that your mother or father (or both) is gaslighting you, consider Larsen’s advice:
- Confide in a trusted individual about the manipulation.
- Talking with a psychologist about your concerns is likely the best route.
- Consider going to family therapy to potentially correct this unhealthy dynamic.
- No matter what, put your wellbeing first.
Larsen explains that though it takes courage, it is important to come forward and discuss your parent’s manipulative behavior, preferably with a professional: “This is difficult, but if the child has enough courage, they can go to a trusted adult, perhaps in their place of worship or school, and describe some of the things that are going on that concern them. If the school has a school counselor or school psychologist, that would be best. Unfortunately, it can be hard for the child to even know that they are being gaslit and they might start to believe the lies that are being told to them.”
She goes on to say that counseling can be helpful to repairing the family if making these repairs is possible: “Hopefully, the child can enter psychotherapy or counseling, or the whole family can be seen to help change this unhealthy dynamic. If the parents see that it is hurting their child, hopefully they will have enough empathy to own what they are doing and stop it. However, that is less than likely. I would say that it is a form of abuse that is passed down from generation to generation and it might be hard to break because the perpetrators do not see it as problematic behavior.”
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Wow… I’m shocked… this is what my mother is doing to me, I can’t do any of those tips though(I’m a kid). What should I do?
talk to your counselors at school. they can help you find further help/resources.
dont hold your breath on what I say, im a kid going through that too, but what I do is sign up for after school activities, so I have some time after school where I’m treated like a human. if you see a therapist, tell him/her. talk to someone who you know wont make a rash decision, you need to think everything out, because your safety is #1. I wouldn’t contact police, for me, all they did was worsen the situation. if you need to talk, please reply, im here for you.
Hi, I’m also a kid and I’m just wondering if this is gaslighting or anything: so my mom usually blames Me a ton and makes me thinking I’m the bad one. And while she’s treating my youngest sister as a queen and never gets her in trouble, me and my brother get yelled at everyday and when we say something actually very nice to my sister, my mom and dad starts telling me my voice is off and that I can’t process emotions very well. She also says in our family fights that “it isn’t all about me” and I wasn’t saying anything about that, then when I say something back she says: “EXCUSE ME?” Also, my mom and dad act like the best parents when we see other family or is in public… And everyday my dad locks himself in his office the entire day and drinks beer, or treats my little sister like a queen also… I was just wondering and please let me know what kind of abuse this is… thanks for listening to my story!
You absolutely can, and you must. As an adult now of a narcissist mother, it caused me extreme issues growing up because the problems weren’t being fixed and because i kept my mouth closed. First try talking to your mom, dad or other family about the situation. If that doesn’t help go to your school counselor, teacher, principal to help in the right direction. Wishing you all the luck. No matter what, know who you are and stay firm in that. Also you can start writing things down as they happen to later reference. Even better for texting, video or audio recording as backup. Not only for your own sanity (as i have to still do this as an adult and cannot go near my mother unless i am recording the entire time) you can also call 211 on your phone to reach a local counselor at any time!
Yep, agree that the best thing to do is find a trustworthy adult that you can confide in. But in the meantime, whilst you might not be able to stop it from happening, what you can do is find ways to keep your mind clear. One of the best pieces of advice I got was that ‘you can’t always control other people’s behaviour, but you can nearly always control your own reaction to other people’s behaviour’. I know it’s may be easier said than done not to let it get to you, but the important thing is to check in with yourself and acknowledge to yourself what really happened, don’t lose sight of the reality, even if it is uncomfortable. Because in the long run the truth will set you free. One of the great things about childhood is that it is temporary; you will become an adult, and then you will have more options. In my teens, I had a calendar where I would literally count down the days until I was able to get away. Each day was a day less than the last (obviously lol), and so each day got a little more optimistic. And the big day eventually came. And in time your moment will come too. Once I had gone, I had decided to sever ties. Numerous people tried to convince me not to, but they were all people that didn’t really know the reality of what I had gone through, so that’s why it’s really important to keep your head. So that when the time comes, you can make the decision that is right for you. I have seen my father just once since then, at a family funeral, and even though we didn’t speak that day, it was still a powerful confrontation of sorts, because he saw that, despite his best efforts over the years to destroy me, I was far stronger than he had estimated, I was alive & well and, goodness forbid, I was happy. I think he realised in that moment that his game was over, and that I had won. There was a time when I never thought that would happen, but it did. I survived, and I’m relatively unscathed. It can be done. You can do it too.
Children also gaslight parents when they became adults
how do you gather up the courage to tell?…
One of the best things someone ever told me is – “You’ll know when your lines have been crossed”
This statement;
-put faith in my ability to see and protect my own boundaries
-gave me the courage to perceive them
Once you see, it’s easy to say – I need help. My problem now is the time…how do I make time to go talk to a trusted professional? I just keep it in my head that I will, I suppose.
There’s tons of online therapy now, i also do mentoring via Facebook and working on creating my own online therapy support. (I am a certified professional counselor)