Many hold that the most sacred relationship is between mother and daughter, father and son—parent and child. But that just isn’t always the case. Sure, that girl’s best friend could be her mom: they go everywhere together, they share the same wardrobe, they would never keep a secret from one another. Or yeah, maybe she really is daddy’s little girl. She loves her dad more than anything and has lived her entire life under his safe, loving wing. But that’s just one narrative. There’s also a less fortunate one—one many would very much like to be excluded from (in the famous words of Taylor Swift). These are the stories about kids who were left on a random doorstep. The daughter that was left to pay her way in life at just 13 because her mother couldn’t care less. The children who are abused everyday by the two people that are supposed to love and care for them infinitely—so they’ve heard. While these may just be stories to some of us, it’s reality for a lot of angry, hurt, and confused kids. Kids who consequently have a lot of hate in their heart.
It’s completely normal, and expected really, to despise your parents when they’ve abused or abandoned you. Or even if they’ve never laid a hand on you but held you to unrealistic expectations or forced you to live a life you don’t desire. In instances of the like, it simply makes sense to have negative feelings toward them. It’s okay to feel this way. But say they’re perfect parents: the kind of cookie-cutter parents that are cast in feel-good movies. And despite their dedication to raising you and loving you as their child, you don’t feel that same love for them. Is that normal? This isn’t as common, but that doesn’t mean you’re abnormal. There is most likely a hidden reason behind these negative feelings and the best way to combat them is to get to the bottom of it. The following are possible underlying causes for your seemingly unwarranted hate:
- Desire for independence. You may simply desire or be seeking more independence and your relationship with your parents is consequentially suffering. This typically happens a lot with age. When I moved back home for the summer after my freshman year of college, I expected a greater degree of independence and a lesser degree of rule enforcement from my dad. However, it was as if I returned to my home as a teenager in high school. This definitely caused a rift in my dad and I’s relationship, and had we not respectfully talked about the issue, it could still be suffering today.
- Phase of rebellion. A lot of teenagers go through a period of rebellion and parents never know the best way to handle it—it’s tricky and also troublesome because it can either strengthen or (more often than not) taint the relationship. If parents respond with punishment and scorn, then it can certainly result in the child’s loathing.
- Media exposure. Your relationship can even be affected by the type of TV shows or movies you’re watching. You may see a slightly different or better relationship portrayed on screen and wish that your mom or dad was more like it. This can lead to unrealistic expectations, similarly to watching couple’s act out the perfect love story on screen.
- Differing morals and/or lifestyles. While our parents typically raise us with their ideals as the backbone of our growth, we don’t always take after their belief systems or lifestyles. This can absolutely cause a strain in your relationship if they object to your choices or if your differences are so varying that they create big issues. For example, a family that is devoutly Catholic may have a problem with their son declaring he doesn’t believe in God.
Celebrities: They’re Not So Different After All
Celebrities are like us in more ways than they are not. This includes sometimes maneuvering through life without parents or experiencing something that tore their relationship with them apart. Here are a few well-known celebrities that followed their dreams and reached success without the help of their mom, their dad, or both:
- Adele: While the soulful singer and her father may have recently reconnected, Adele didn’t have a relationship with him for much of her life, as he abandoned her and the rest of her family when she was just two years old.
- Beyonce Knowles: Beyonce Knowles has reportedly never gotten along with her father, nor has her sister or mother. He allegedly has attempted to use both his daughters’ talents to benefit himself.
- Kelly Clarkson: Kelly Clarkson opened up about her damaged relationship with her absentee father during a performance of “Piece by Piece” on American Idol. While Kelly’s saddened by their relationship, or lack thereof, she’s thankful for her husband’s love for the couple’s own daughter.
- Macaulay Culkin: The Home Alone star became estranged from his parents during their divorce when they reportedly argued over Macaulay’s fortune. This greed and hunger for money certainly drove a wedge between him and his family.
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Here is my story, I get straight A’s in my school and am one of the smartest in my class. I usually finish all my homework in class, and when i don’t it only takes me somewhere around 10 minutes at home. My parents are usually pretty cool, except when it is electronics related. I am allowed 2 hours on the computer on Friday and Saturday, and then I am only allowed to do schoolwork on weekdays. I am totally fine with this arrangement, except for that they are able to use a internet filter to stop me from doing anything. I am 13 now and it is miserable. They block random things that they think I am “doing too much of,” and this leads to constant arguments. I am not allowed to be on an internet site for too long or else they will block it. I just want the responsibility to be in control of my own life. If they would just stop the blocking and let me be responsible i would be so much happier, and they would too. There is yelling and occasionally crying at least every other day. I hope by High School that they will give me responsibility, but I honestly don’t think it will happen until I turn 16, get a job, and buy my own internet and computer/phone. I feel like they are setting me up for failure in High School by treating me like I am a 3rd grader. I just want all the yelling to end, and for me to have responsibility like all my friends do. I was also the last kid in my grade to get a phone, and it just felt like I was left out of having friends for 2 years. I got one like 2 weeks ago and its nice being able to talk to my friends after school and not being left out. Main point is that parents have to give their kids responsibility at some point if they want to stop setting their kids up for failure.
I can relate to all of you guys. My parents have told me multiple times that they wanted to get rid of me and that I was a mistake. My mother abused me at birth and my father left her because of it. My father has at least tried to make it up with me but my mother just loathes me. All she does is yell at me the moment I do anything wrong and give me no validation when I do things right. My mother constantly thinks that I am not enough and has crazy high expectations of me! I just want to be my own person. She never talks to me and only talks with her boyfriend. I hate both of them to the point of being depressed and suicidal. I know that from saying that I am going to get some automated message giving me suicide helpline numbers. Nothing helps. It has gotten to the point that the only place that I feel safe and loved is school, a place that most kids hate. It is my only safe haven because it is the only place I can escape from my mother. I can’t wait till I can move out and get them out of my life. Someone else said that crying yourself to sleep is a good emotional reliever but that does not help me at all. Every night for the past month I have cried myself to sleep because of my abusive mother. She constantly lowers my self-esteem to the point of depression, and expects me to be grateful! I hate my life. I hate my mom. I want to end it but all of my friends have kept me happy. Most of my friends support me and make me feel like I am worth something. Still, though, there are kids at my school that doesn’t understand what I am going through I don’t think for a moment that they should step into other shoes. They all say that I am not depressed and that I shouldn’t joke about that. I’m not joking! UGH! Everything is just terrible. I am still forever grateful for my friends, grandparents, and relatives who care for me so much more than my parents. I know that some people don’t have friends and other family members to support them but man, does this suck. 🙁
We’re so sorry to read what you’re going through. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, or thinking about hurting yourself or others, please seek immediate help. Call 911, go to your closest emergency room, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. This national network of local crisis centers provides free support, and someone is always available to talk.
You can also find a list of other helpful resources here, such as the Crisis Text Line, National Domestic Violence Hotline, and more. Remember, life can get better with the right help. https://twx.atlantacounseling.com/immediate-help/
I don’t even know how to put mine in writing beacuse the words I receive from my mom are better written in episodes (lol). I finally found out that the reason for my low self esteem is because of the insults I have received from my mom. I have made up my mind that immediately I graduate from the university, I won’t go back to my mom’s house again and I’ll have to fend for myself. Though, there are something’s I do that are not right and when I realise it, I feel guilty and apologise but instead of my mom to accept the apology and move on like other parents should, she’ll double the insults on me and later I’ll start crying helplessly. I don’t want my future children to fall victim of what I’m passing through. My dad is not staying with us because they’ve been divorced for 15 years. My mom would tell us our dad is a bad man that he left her to marry another woman. But right now, I’m starting to like the bad man who has never insulted me but always speaking rightly the way the other parent should. Parents should stop insulting their children, shouting at them too much like they are not bound to make mistakes, and especially, comparing their children with others outside. It is everyone with their destiny. I just pray God gives me strength to stay till I’m ready to leave the house because my mom looks like who doesn’t want to change.