How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
My past mistakes of not having taken responsibility about anything in life.. I have destroyed my life completely and it’s beyond repair…
My boyfriend Andrew and I, before we dated were talking and getting closer with each other on and off for about Three years, we had never met in person; only talked online but I met him through a friend I went to school with. Then we had a big fight and stopped talking. I ended up sleeping with a few guys towards graduation when all the drinking happens. Well he had slept with some girls while we didn’t talk as well. Then in September he entered into the USMC, I was living in Oregon and in November he had written a letter to his parents that he wanted me to write him. So they told me what his wish was, and I did so. Later on when he came back from bootcamp in December we had finally met in person. Greatest feeling ever. We had talked online for a bit and discussed things. He said he had a few flings while we weren’t talking, and I lied.. I said I didn’t do anything. And then I got upset at the fact he had done things with girls. I gave him hell with that, for a while I just didn’t like the thought of him doing things with other people. But skipping to just a week ago. One of the few guys I had no feelings for but slept with in highschool decided to tell my boyfriend something that obviously gave it away that I wasn’t a virgin. Then the realization of what I had done out of shame and regret struck me. I felt awful, and still do. I torture myself with thoughts everyday that I am stupid for lying to him. A deep feeling when I had first lied that I should have just told him. But I hated the fact I had sex. Because I was never interested in these people, I didn’t feel any satisfaction. I didn’t care about anything and I just used people. After my boyfriend had started talking to me again, I wanted to deny everything that I had done, because I regretted it all; and I wanted to give my virginity to him. He is so special to me, but I screwed up. He has forgiven me and we have moved forward as a couple, but I still feel so awful. I could have been so much better, and not lied. I gave him hell, when I did the same things in the past, but was too much of a coward to admit it. If I could truly hate anyone in the world, I’d have to say I hate myself. For lying to the most perfect man I know. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel so depressed, dizzy and don’t get out of bed that much after what happened.
I know it was still wrong. Before I married my husband I met him online and had just started talking to him but we had never met in person yet. I had a friend, which since my husband and I got serious I stopped talking to bc I know it was unhealthy not a god or respectful friendship we stopped talking respectfully and my friend knew why and agreed but I got drunk before depressed from losing my parents and everything else going wrong and did something I never gave done before slept with him and feel so ashamed I’ve asked for gods forgiveness. I have never done anything like this since I met my husband and married him. I love him with all my heart. But I know it was still wrong because I was still talking to him. I promised to never jeopardize my true love ever again. My fear is he would leaver and I would want to die without him I couldn’t bare to lose another loved one. I just prayed god will forgive me as I know he has and that this past never get in the way of my relationship with my husband and never be brought up.