How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I promised God that he can destroy my career if I watch porn again. Unfortunately, I did. Now can God forgive me for my sins or am i doomed??
I loved someone but couldn’t trust him enough. I ended up being the jealous and crazy lover and lost him forever. I have tried to prove to him that I am not just what a certain phase of my life showed him. But its irreparable. I feel angry and sad. I made a mistake of forgetting my priorities especially my career, my studies, my overall well being to go after someone. I couldn’t make him understand me not could I excel at other priorities due to my own irresponsible behavior. The last three years have been very difficult for me. Each day I only survive and do nothing more. I am slowly getting out of it and trying to forgive myself for my bad decisions. But I am scared of never being able to recover from it. Its scary to not be able to be love life and other people . I am having a hard time . I cannot stop picturing the future with so much self loathing. I want to forget it all and start a new life. But I am failing at it. It’s like I am convinced that I don’t deserve to be happy. But I want to be happy in spite of all these negative thought patterns. I am sure someone can share similar experiences. Perhaps such sharing will help me in this process.
I blew it. I was so selfish. This girl gave me everything she had for almost 3 years. I broke up with her multiple times, and in those short time periods I would hook up with other girls, and then convince her to get back with me. I often channeled my anger and unhappiness with myself by lashing out on her. (Never abusive physically or mentally) just not pleasant to be around because I would always take everything out on her even when it was completely out of her control. I didn’t deserve her from day 1 and finally the 4th time I broke up with her she decided she had enough and she is never coming back and good for her. I am honestly so happy for her because now she’s following her dreams, living in a big city, studying economics, doing what she always wanted to do. Something I was never supportive of because I didn’t want her to leave. I was a shit boyfriend. She is the most beautiful person I’ve ever meant, inside and out, and I’d do anything to show her that this past year without her I’ve come so far in addressing the issues that caused a lot of our problems. I just can’t forgive myself for, not only losing the love of my life, but being an idiot while we were dating too. She deserves better and it’s just a matter of time before she finds someone else. I just feel like I’ll never forgive myself for losing her and I am so caught up in this struggle of wanting her so badly but knowing it’s no good for either of us, especially since she lives 2 hours away…along with the fact that she deserves so much better.