How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
i need to let go of my actions of infidelity.
in another state i had sex with someone else and i thought that instead of lying to my ex i would change that and actually tell the truth of what i did in hopes that we could work through it together and move on. i feel that it was naive of me to think such a thing and to feel that after i messed up and realized that i should not have done that that everything would be okay. which it is not.
he wants me to basically cut off all social connections with any other male and to do everything that he says and to only talk to him. I thought that it would be good for me to do that because id be punishing myself for making such a terrible action. i thought that if i did these things that in the end we could work something out. but then again that is not the case. he just wants me to be miserable and then happy when i talk to him; he wants me all to himself just for a friend ship and nothing else.
im stuck because i really do love him but at then end of the day he wants nothing to do with me. should i continue with him or just make the hard decision of finally letting go and trying to move on and enjoy the now?
i am broke.. somewhat because of my parents inaction toward life and work. i couldnt get much of what i wanted like things which i wanted to do in life which i knew will make me a good man and somewhere wise too. but because of my financial problem i couldnt get anywhere. because i was facing family problems my girlfriend broke up saying iam immmatured and broke and im not good for her.. but i knew hat if she would be with me i will do something great in life and prove to myself that i am worth all the struggles.. iam going through daily. i had sex with her at very early age which i am guilty of, beacuse i had sex with her because i thought she would be with me forever. now iam so guilty and regretting my action. that girl would marry someone else and have kid. it hurt so deep that i couldn’t say these thing to my friends beacuse i will kill me from inside.. 3 years i was with her and felt she was all. beacuse i am a lone child no brother no cousins, nothing.. just me and my mom dad. one day when i brought my girlfriend to my house and had sex with her some people of my town made a vedio of us by sneeking through the window.. it made me so mad and fearfull that i did not come out of house of shame for 6 to 8 months.. they all smiled at me. i felt from inside that what i did was wrong i shouldnt have brought her to my house. this incident changed the whole life of mine. i became very bad person in front of my parents and girlfriend. if that incident wouldnt had happend i would be happy and going on with my life. my gf went to another state to study and because i was left alone in my city…. i became fearfull of all the people who did that to me and started gettting more dependend on my girlfriend.. i used to cry on phone and call her regularly she got angry and frustrated and broke up. my life is so messed up that if i get a chance to clear my mistake i would do everything. my 12 standard exams went bad because this incidednt happed just 7 months before my exam. i was very good in studies but somewhere i knew that i am going in a wrong direction with this sex and love thing. which ended with that incident. now today when i wake up everyday in this same town where the incident happened i feel to run a away i feel like i lost all my happiness here. and with all these there are so many strugels daily i am facing. my parents fight and all. i am just so very upset….
Now a day i am facing stress, depression because of my mistakes….
I had a relationship with a guy we used to talk on phone we never meet i am 23 years old my parents wants me to get married so i said him to send proposal but he said that he is not established to get married…. i started doing a job my mom is not happy with my job she thoughts no one will marry me if i will do job and my some relatives used to brain wash of my mom that no one likes working women’s so i was very much upset and i had pressure… and a guy to whom i only used to talk on phone we never meet each other we both love each other, he do not use to give me proper time he called me only twice a month or sometimes only once at month…. so one day i resigned from my job so a unknown guy called me and said that he knows me and he likes me and he is interested in me as i was already under-pressure i believes on his words as i love to be independent and wants to do something for myself in my career life so that unknown guy said me I’ll get u the job and he makes me jack! actually he was only playing with me and using me… and the back story is that unknown guy used to do a job in my dad’s office so he was terminated because of his actions so i personally feels he takes revenge for that…! he touched me and un-dressed me i don’t know why and how i lose myself i was crying and really i don’t wants this to happen but unfortunately i can’t stop him even i was crying and feeling that this should not happen and it’s not good…. but we do not do any sexual thing or intercourse he always force me to do intercourse but i always refused him…. and i realized that he is not a good guy so i left him…. and then i text to my old friend to say sorry so he called me and we talked and i told him each and everything but not in one go because things are not easy to me as we both love each other only because of family pressure my mind was diverted and i really feels regret for my this action…! finally my old friend decided to accept me so we got engaged but now if we ever had arguments on any topic so he always taunt me and treats me very badly… when i was teen age girl so i was like tom-boy type i used to be very frank and sometimes use slang with my friends as m the only daughter of my parents as i don’t have brother or sister so there is no one to guide me accordingly… after engagement i took admission in university so there was welcome party and i went there one of my friend take my picture and all of sudden one of my class mate stands next to me and picture has been captured and that friend put it on face-book so we had a worst fight at that night..! since then my fiancé always feels insecure from my side but i swear i love him with all my heart and my feelings are true to him but now if we ever had arguments on any topic so he always taunt me for my past and treats me very badly…. but truly now i do not talk to any guy now i don’t know what to do how should i makes him comfortable now a days i am not feeling good all the time i feels nausea doctors prescribe me some blood test all my reports are well but i am not feeling good i am taking medicines…. but honestly i am stressed and don’t feels good sometimes i feels to go far away from everyone and sometimes wants to kill myself…. i feels i am not a good daughter…! and now i am changed but my fiancé is uncomfortable with me but he also loves me…. really i don’t know what to do or what to say i really changed each and every thing in myself i am trying give my best but life is not giving me chance please I only wants my fiance trust me and we had a good and successful married life