How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I want to let go of the hate I have for myself. I can never forgive myself and it’s making me miserable. I want to let go of the self doubt that almost cripples me.
I want to stop beating myself up over the fact that I allowed myself to be manipulated so easily. A couple of years ago, a woman came running up to me, crying, telling me that she needed someone to give her a ride to her church just down the street. She was supposed to be getting a ride to a Greyhound station because she was flying out to see some family member that was sick. I was so startled, I didn’t know what to do. She had cornered me where no one was around to hear this, and it was one of those things where you don’t immediately recognize you’re getting scammed because it’s not happening in a way you ever imagined it would happen. I don’t know why I didn’t immediately turn her down…I had no problem brushing aside people who made obvious attempts to scam me or get money from me…but this was a strangely different scenario, and I didn’t know what to do. This woman was crying in front of me and pleading that I help her. She just needed to be taken a couple of blocks down the street. So I made a big mistake and agreed to give her a ride there. When we got there, there was no sign of any sort of ride or even anyone present at the church, so she feigned confusion and cried again and begged me to drive her to her house instead. By now I’m already in a trap and I know it, but I already have this woman in my car, and I don’t know what to do with her. Taking her home sounded like the only other thing to do, so I continued to play into her hands and started letting her give me directions. By then I was terrified, I didn’t know what to do, or what this woman would do. She asked to borrow my cell phone so she could call a friend. I made another mistake and let her do so. Instead of dialing a number, she tried to look through my phone settings to find any sensitive information. When after a few moments I realized she wasn’t dialing a number, I yanked my phone out of her hands and started asking her stop and get out of my car. She continued to give me sob stories, telling me she wasn’t making anything up, pretended to cry again and begged me to take her home so she could work out a ride situation. Again, not knowing what else to do with her, but now clearly aware that this woman was a fraud, I followed her directions to where she wanted to be dropped off. But she was smart. She knew she was playing me like a piano, and pressed her luck. She asked for money to help pay for her previously mentioned fake Greyhound bus ticket. I told her I didn’t have any money to give her. She begged me again and again, to stop by an ATM and pull out some cash. And because I wasn’t able to remove her from my car, and because I was so afraid, I followed her request and pulled money from an ATM. Now that she had everything she set out to get, she directed me to a gas station where she finally got out of my car and left. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about how stupid I was to let all of this happen. I should have been suspicious from the start, because the whole situation had red flags all over it before it even started. But I was scared, and had never been in a situation like it before, so I didn’t recognize the signs until it was too late. I hate myself even more for letting her continue to manipulate me multiple times afterward. I should have walked away. I should have at least driven her to the police station instead of doing what she asked. I certainly should not have given her money. This was a couple of years ago, so by now I am able to put this behind me on most days, but some days I randomly recall this horrible situation and I get so depressed over it. It was so very humiliating. I try to justify to myself that the woman may have been carrying a weapon and could have hurt me if I didn’t do what she asked, but I doubt she had anything because she never threatened me. Just manipulated me. Played me like a damned fool so easily. I’ve been so embarrassed about it ever since that I haven’t told anyone about it, and it eats me up inside. Today it came back to me again and I have not been able to let go of it all day. I want to be freed from this humiliating mistake. If I could selectively erase a memory permanently, this would be the one.
I have committed a series of investment mistakes and sale of valuable property at the wrong time that left me with just enough to survive at my old age let alone leaving something of value to my children. The downturn came after years of success, starting from scratch. Every time I watch a building rise or a property I once owned that some friends and acquaintances believe is still mine I turn into painful regret that paralyses my ability to carry on with whatever remained. I practice daily exercises that keep me well fit but when I smoke my first cigarette, a habit that I’m not able to stop, something like a second personality, hesitant and fragile and cowardly, takes over me and I start dreaming of death as a way out but only my belief it will hurt my family even more that makes me brush the thought aside.
If, on the other hand, I quit smoking for a couple of days, I become more aware of the mistakes I committed that sends back into another depression and sense of regret.
I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed a tablet of Cipralex (anti-depressant) in the morning and that of Xanax (anti-anxiety) in the evening to help me sleep. They did little good. Maybe I should stop even the single Scotch I have in the evening. I don’t know.