How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I have cheated on my husband we live under the same house but he never talks to me i feel like a ghost in my own home i cry myself to sleep when he doesn’t come home .. i know he doesn’t want to be near me but why not give me the divorce.. He can afford it wanna work things out but he just brings back the past. . And i don’t fight it no more i stand there till he kicks me till i don’t breath anymore. At the end he just walks away and shuts the door .. and routine of him not even glancing at me continues. . I work i come home i do my daily chores i try and stay out of his hair… i just miss him so much .. i feel like ending my life at times.. cause he doesn’t understand how terrible i feel and i am sure he feels worse .. but why is he still around … He gives me false hope.. and i can’t stand it ..
I want to let go of my thoughts of deep mistrust.. how I loath myself for allowing myself to love my Wife of 10 years more deeply than I have loved anything even myself. Only to have her leave me for who knows what… Her words were “We just don’t work well together”.
For allowing her to walk all over me for most of our relationship to appease her. For me not getting over my depressed behavior of how life is.. and allowing it to dictate my abilities and my belief in self to actually live a worthwhile life…
Now, I feel as though I am worthless.. and I am 36 years old living in my Mom’s house.. where she can’t pay her bills… where my father just died from cancer 4 months ago.. I was his primary care taker.. and I could not help him get better… I feel guilty for not being well enough to help her pay for rent.. All I want to do is just die.. every day..
I want to forgive myself for wanting to kill myself and every day wanting to just end life.. I want peace..
I want to let go of the thought that I killed my dad by wishing the cancer would make him so sick that my Son’s mom would come back and care.. for once in her life… just care that I am in pain.. and maybe cry with me…
yet she can’t.. She never could show empathy for my troubles.. rather she pulled away and wrote me off as some … some… Someone she never knew or got close too.. After all we shared over the decade.. and a child together..
I want to forgive myself for needing to deeply and passionately needing to connect deeply with someone… and for not connecting deeply and passionately with myself.. Allowing my need to connect with her.. to keep her close.. taking away my need to connect with me… and for being afraid to do what I knew all along what was right.. that was to explore the world.. and learn all cultures.. to connect with these paths.. Not be trapped in the same city..
I can’t leave.. my son is here… I adore him.. I can’t seem to do anything right.. I want to forgive myself for always failing any job I ever took… meaning… giving up because I could not stand it… I want to forgive myself for never writting that book or movie script..
I just want to live again… like I did as a kid.. feeling as though there were meaning, purpose and desire to live… not as though I want to die every moment… so that I don’t have to think about another day of… loss, fear, hate, envy, jealousy, and defeat… leading to an eventual fruitless life and older death… wondering why I never just got it over in the first place… I want to believe it will be worth it… to keep on going on…
I just miss my little family so much… I want things back… I dont’ know why I could not just go along to get along… I did not think I would lose it.. I thought she would eventually care.. she would eventually recognize what we had.. SHE DID NOT.. I wnat to forgive myself for not letting go of her.. of someone who did not care for me…
i want to let go of that one night. That one night i made the worst mistake of my life by going out to a party with my friend why? Because i ended up getting black-out drunk and having sex with another guy, cheating on my boyfriend. Apparently there was drugs in the drinks, so i was also drugged and taken complete advantage of. I have put him through so much shit and he forgives me, but for him the hardest part to do it for him to be with me, and he doesn’t know if he can do that. I want to let go of this because he is the one good thing in my life, my best friend, companion, life-partner and i feel like i would go completely insane without him in my life. It’s hard to face the fact that this happened to me, that i myself put myself in that situation and could have avoided the whole thing. I know i shouldn’t put it all on myself-i didn’t drug myself. But the fact that i hurt him this much kills me. I’d do anything to get him back, and i cry every night. I cry because i can’t forgive myself, i cry because of what a random guy did to me, i cry because all the beautiful memories are lost, and i cry because i put myself in that situation. Me. Myself. And I. All i want is to forgive myself for hurting the one person who would have been there for me till the day i die.