How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
Hey every1,not that any1 cares,but I’m back again! my last posting was March 1, 2014 at 8:40 am. tx 2 the individual who replied 2 me trying 2 make me feel better about myself,if it was intended 4 me! it really/sincerely was appreciated!!
I know i demonstrated/demonstrate 2 be a 40 some yr. old woman w/ an extremely trashy mouth-i’m sorry every1, sin- cerely sorry! i’m certainly not @ all proud &/or boasting about it! But it’s going 2 continue! i know w/ that in mind,people will probably conclude that i’m trashy! i wish that wouldn’t b the case!yes i know i could change their opinion about me if i quit talking like this! i’m just so angry @ myself,i’m so severely depressed,i’m such a major scum! Yes,it does not,@ all justify talking like this! It’s totally unacceptable!
People/LCSW’s/Psychiatrists/Psychologists/gen’l. practitioners & the list goes on & on,say & are perfectly right,that in order to get better i 1st have 2 help myself! i know it may not seem like i’m doing this! I’ve been told by my lcsw & husband that it’s true! That i’m not,by any means,trying! but i’m trying so hard-really! i know it’s hard 2 believe by any1! i’ve been hospitalized in a funny farm numerous x,4 suicide attempts,(yah,i’m so stupid that after trying 4 x,i totally fucked it up)! but believe me i really thought I was doing it rt-i’m so smart,huh? my last suicide attempt was 2013. yup as you can read & figure out ‘cuz i’m writing on this blog,i fucked-up again…what does God want from me? hell, all he’s gonna do is send me 2 hell when he wants me, anyway! So why the hell doesn’t he just take me now,why? I’m currently,as i have several x in my lifex,questioned my beliefs!
u know,i only write on this blog,as i indicated in my 1st blog,’cuz no1 knows me,can’t track me,(4 reasons,i can’t/won’t reveal 2 this &/or any site, ‘cuz i could no longer b allowed 2 use this resource to write 2 people who don’t know me &/or if some1 of mental hlth. authority could track me down & possibly get me hospitalized)!?
plse. b advised/rest assured/try 2 believ me,even though i know it’s very difficult,i’m by no means a criminal, homicidal, pervert,& whatever else could cross your mind(s). i just can’t chance being admitted 2 a funny farm again,’cuz as you can probably conclude,i feel & am convinced,through logical experiences, I’m beyond help!!
people,i’m so very/sincerely sorry! i don’t want people 2 think of me as a crazy,insensitive,cruel person…i really don’t!! i don’t want 2 bring people down either-really! although i can understand why people may/can not believe this-again i’m sorry! i know too, people might think that my apologies aren’t sincere ‘cuz i continue on! i just need 2 vent,once again,2 people that don’t know me! yes,once again you’ll still judge me-i get it! i don’t appear 2 be/act like a lady! instead come off/act like a total,selfish,trash mouth!! people,i so wish some1 could give me sound/soothing advice! 2 give me hope/a logical reason 2 totally 4-give myself 4 the fucked-up things i’ve said,done, & thrusted upon my husband! let me tell u,no man would’ve stayed, much less marry me! from the gitgo,& after they saw my family be totally unjustified & unacceptable,of some1 who was/is,so truly wonderful, thoughtful,devoted, caring, loving, empathetic,sympathetic! the list could go on & on about his wonderful character traits-really this is not made-up!!!! i so want the will/joy/desire.etc.,to live!
i search so many sites,now,(where i used 2 just make a snap decision 2 try 2 kill myself),4 painless,quick ways to b successful/find contentment/peace in ending my life!
i would,now,never overdose on high dosages of any prescrips/ellicit drugs,(which i’ve never experienced w/,don’t seek! although i’m sure/know if i ventured in2 the well-known drug-infested areas,that i’d have much success in obtaining them! anyway as i was saying i’d never overdose on prescrips. again-never! i’ve researched,since i returned home the 2nd x last yr. from hospital,the dosages needed to succeed in killing myself! people,through experience & research,let me tell u,it’s next 2 impossible,2 succeed w/ this way of killing urself! Don’t get me wrong,I’m not trying 2 provide people w/ advice! although it may seem this way,of how not &/or how 2 end their life! I just,i don’t know-just don’t know?! & hell,how/why shoul i put my husband,especially w/ his ptsd diagnosis & many other diagnoses,through this again?!
so i wish some1,although it’s crazy,wouldn’t happen,people are nasty when they see people saying/writing this kind of stuff,feel that if u really wanted 2, u’d just do it & so many other things!
Currently,my wonderful husband,(only marriage i ever considered/said yes 2,best man i’ve ever had the pleasure of mtg./marrying,the best person i’ve ever met! he even had/has always stuck/sticks by me,w/ all the fucked-up things i did to him & others did 2 him ,thrusted upon him,has always,although we have very lit’l income,provided me w/ the life 2 which i’ve always been accustomed!
throughout my lifex, i’ve been provided w/ safe,beautiful areas in which 2 reside! i grew-up w/ very, financially/ wealthy parents! They-@ least my Dad was raised in a poverty family,even had 2 wear hand me downs! imagine the embarrassment & pain he had 2 bear/learn 2 try & accept,living like that? he worked his butt off,way up 2 total financial success! i’m so proud of him! however,money & it’s proven,doesn’t mean success &/or happiness! in my opinion success is the person u r inside-whether or not u have/had a great &/or especially terrible,abusive lifestyle,that was &/or ,thrusted upon u! i’ve had 2 pay emotionally/mentally,most of my life,4 being brought-up in a wealthy family! Yes,every1,i am so lucky! i had/was given anything i wanted on a silver/gold platter,LOL-name brand stuff,braces that the dentist totally discouraged my parents from purchasing them being that it was so outrageously expensive! also he knew i didn’t need them! my parents just wanted 2 try 2 improve/help my low self-esteem,deep/empathetic/ sympathetic feelings!! they weren’t successful in changing anything ‘cuz it was such a life of mental/emotional abuse- such a dysfunctional family! even mental hlth. professionals tried desperately 2 remove me from my household! They stated on numerous occasions that my parents,even though they loved & constantly told me they did! yes,i totally believed them! they just had a funny way of showing/prov- ing it! They gave me so many mixed msgs./guilt trips! yes, they did the best they could & i sincerely appreciated/let them know,on many occasions! unfortunately,they were my problem!
no,honestly, even though every1 might think i’m looking 4 sympathy,feeling sorry 4 myself,looking 4 attention,etc.! but really,& i know most people don’t/won’t believe this,i’m not!! hell,why would i be writing in this blog,anonymously? again,i just need 2 vent 2 people who don’t/won’t ever know me!
i so want 2 b helped! once again,i have truly tried,but to no avail! i just want 2 die,painlessly & quickly,that’s all i want!
i realize that there are lots of people suffering,possibly more &/or same than/as i am! these people that don’t have great insurance 2 get help from mental hlth. professionals &/or have the money 2 purchase prescrips.! believe me,we sin- cerely wish we had lots of money 2 help these people w/ their issues! whether it be medical,mental, physical, etc.,ones! we honestly do not have it!
believe me,my lcsw,when i called her 2-day,asked me if i was thinking/trying suicidal thoughts &/or using anything 2 end my life! she asked me what was going on & if i needed 2 b hospitalized,again! i told her the truth,as i always do! i don’t always know if she believes i always tell her the truth! i have nothing-u know nothing 2 use 2 stop my heart from permanently beating! Also,my husband has extremely severe ptsd,from unspeakable life experiences,physically/ mentally/abusive/lying,ex wives & family,painful memories! hell,2 make matters worse 4 him,his ex,during marriage plann- ed & tried,almost successfully,2 kill him-yes people-actually kill him! he was so sweet that the detectives who wanted/knew she did it & she admitted 2 it, hounded des- parately,wanted him 2 admit she did it + wanted the details! He denied the whole thing even though he came so close to dying-seriously-no exaggerations!!
anyway i’m sorry if any1 feels their time was wasted reading this! i didn’t mean/meant 2 cause disruption in ur life/lives! I would,though & yes i have no reason 2 ask,be open/apprec- iate,advice/support,etc.,on any of what i’ve written!? Preferably no nasty/negative feedbk?! even though i deserve 2 b treated like the piece of shit that i am,i just want someone’s/anyone’s help! i’m so hopeless,have lost lots of belief in most of humanity,i’m physically,mentally,&
emotionally exhausted! I feel/believe my life is totally out of control! I’m so overwhelmed,even w/ the small stuff-washing dishes,vacuuming,washing/drying/folding clothes/ cleaning our bathrm.,our bedrm,our livingrm/mopping our floors,wiping the counters & washing the sink in kitchen, cleaning the bathrm. sink! So much 2 b done but the energy is gone! Why did i create this,i just don’t know! We moved! i
feel,as well as my husband,somex feels,we made the wrong decision! Since we’ve resided here,deep south,we’ve,mainly, my,there’s been problem after problem-& it just never stops!
it’s created serious marriage problems! of course,if u recall what i’ve written,a great deal of it has been my doing/our ill- nesses,mainly mine! i’ve put/gave/created,unintentionally, although it still broke him down,so much crap/pain/exhaustion + what i can’t remember,on him! I so wish i could go back into the past! i would change almost/most of what i/i’ve said,done,didn’t do! w/ all the shit that’s occurred here,his ptsd has sky-rocketed! i’d do anything 2 alleviate completely,take his pain,anger,depression,anxiety,lost ambition +,away from him! I wish i could totally erase his memory from past/present experiences,from him! my husband’s a fighter! he tries so hard to cope/understand/avoid,etc.,what he has/had 2 deal w/! w/ everything that’s been thrusted upon him,he still,somex looses hope,under- standably! right now & for awhile, he’s finding it so,understandably so,2 keep fighting! Everyday he seems to be & voices it,loosing sight of himself & so am I! please,don’t think i’m trying 2 come off like my life is so much more difficult than his! believe me,of all the terrible things i’ve,especially,& some from others,thrusted upon him, i have never dismissed his unbearable pain! for the most part,not 2 toot my own horn,it’s so rare if @ all,i dismiss anyone’s pain/suffering,etc.! although it really matters how i think/feel/know about my husband,i do hope others can c how devoted i am 2 him!? I love,adore,am in love,have pass-
ion,(even though i can’t,probably/possibly,never will),for him!have him on a pedestal,of course that’s exactly where/ how he should be! i’m his biggest fan! he’s my only knight in shining armor + so much more! i’ve never had such strong/ unexplainable feelings,about/towards any1-family,friends,(best,casual,etc.)! although,i must admit,prouldly,he’s truly my only true,trusted,best friend! he’s my rock! i never believed i was going 2 be able 2 find some1,until he entered & stayed in my life! no1 will ever b able 2 find what i have in this man!
Damn it,somehow i just lost a lot of what i just wrote! o.k. what fucking ever-right!
if any1 wants 2 provide me w/ any advice,insight,etc.,i’d certainly appreciate it! plse how do you move on when u fucked over the only person,man,husband,that’s practically flawless? how do u keep ur mind from focusing in ur husband’s eyes & c/know he is in so much pain-in everyway possible? how do u look in the mirror @ urself,4 being such a fuckup? all i pretty much do anymore is try 2 sleep,sleep,don’t,embarrassed 2 admit bathe the way u should? i spend & pretty much just choose 2 drink-fat/low-no cal/caffeine-free,different flavored water pkts,somex decaf coffee w/ sugar sweetner stevia-most recommended by fda,choc. skim milk-no alcohol consumption-pretty much never got in2 it.also i never needed 2 add 2 my depression by drinking what causes depression! Whatever,rt? But let me tell u, i really think,if i
lived alone,i just may turned 2 heavily drinking? just so i can black-out being in my own mind!!!!
i’m so hopeless! i make my husband miserable! @ x he voices it! Yes,i voice some negative thigs that i feel about him 2 him as well! however,he doesn’t agree, ifeel a lot of x he has more problematic issues w/ me,by far,than i do w/ him!!! we’ve both changed w/ everthing’s that’s occurred past 2 yrs. i feel i created total havoc for my husband! as unintentional as it was,let’s face it pain is pain! some pain is better tolerated than other depending on what occurred to individual(s)!
u know, my husband,is my life,my rock,my favorite star and i’m his biggest fan-really! no1 could ever replace him-nor would i try! i have no desires 2 b w/ any1 and that will always b the case! believe me,if you were married 2 a wonderful man,great person,devoted husband + many,many other great character traits-no matter the circumstance(s),
there’d be no question that u’d never venture!
@ this pt.,i’m ready 2 simply perish,by myself! my fuck-ups,and yes i somewhat allowed them too have buried me in the dirt,alive! i’m so fucking tired of living in my own skin! my will,yet i haven’t been able 2 do anything,2 live,has gone 2 nothing! idon’t like me,i hate me! i belong in a diiferent world! yah,i know what the hell am i reffering to? i try so hard and have made so many changes that were needed,as a wife! other changes that occurred i’m having difficulty getting back the positive ones! i’ve pretty much lost all hope,in me,humanity! just haven’t lost my strong,will never change positive feelings i have 4 my husband-he doesn’t believe me anymore & i/it’s perfectly/logically understandable!!!
i only want my wonderful husband 2 b happy,mentally,emotionally/physically!i’ve fucked up so much thati don’t provide hime the emotional/mental/sexual stability yoone needs in a marriage! i’m lost! of late the severe deprssion has set in! the anxiety,hopeless,overwhelming feelings about mior and of course major issues,things,etc! my husband is staring 2 give up! no he doesn’t harm himself,but i don’t put it past himat times and in a certain decision that i have 2 make ‘cuz truly i want him 2 let me go! i want him 2 be able 2 find some1 special out there,that deserves him! i’m not worth anything he doesnt say that but he has viced some tvery true terribly shitty things that i’ve done 2 him! he’s very much insuated and out of understadable anger voiced that he can’t move /accept,but never 4-get some terrible things i said did 2 him! i really totally get it,any1 that truly loves like we love each other would get it! i’m riddled w/ guilt yes i know it’s my fault but i can’t seem 2 move on anymore! i’d prefer 2 b in a dark rm and sleep if possible ’til i parish but unfortunately,my time on earth is far from limited! so now what i don’t want 2 lve. my husband,it’s almost been 12 yrs. it’s not him,well a very lit’l bit of it’s him i know i’m repeating myself & understandably 2 a pt,he doesn’t believe me,but i just want 2 leave inhopes that he won’t giveup,very questionable though my tears don’t stop falling idon’t know if it’s possible 2 b anymore hopeless than i already am please i want help,anything 2 get out of my mean head i know i’m a piece of worthless shit i’m at a pt of no return my illness has taken a tun 4 the worst and 2 a pt it’s mostly my doing/fault!!!I so wish but i know, idon’t know how long i’ll make it it’s like the only way i will possibly b able 2 4give myself is for god 2 take me-if there is 1!? i don’t w/every fiber of my being want 2 hurt my husband i don’t deserve such a wonderful person,man husband iknow what i have is the best,top of the line but he doesn’t have that in me! i wisi i could wipeout my memory! i have ideas but i’ll definitely and won’t get the results i really need!! the only way eventually if i don’t passaway 1st ‘cuz my time will be up is 2 have dr’s shootme up w/ extremely strong meds 2 the pt where i’m slobbering gross i know but of late i’m really starting 2 fear that that’s what theier going 2 HAVE,NO OTHER CHOICE,2 DO IS THERE ANY SOLUTION WHAT HAVE I DONE CREATED. I’M SO HONEST AND AWARE OF MY SHITTY SELF-TERRIBLE SELF ESTEEM PLSE TELL ME THE PAIN,THAT I CREATED WILL PERISH THE TEARS,SO MANY OF THEM WILL STOP OVERFLOWING THE OCEANS IKNOWS THAT’S SO DRAMATIC BUT I CAN’T STOP BELIEVE ME ALTHOUGH I’M SURE NOONE DOES I’M NOT LOOKING 4 UNDERSTANDING,I KNOW THE TERRIBLE THINGS I’VE CREATED FOR MY HUSBAND W/OUT HOM I’M NOTHING HE FEELS THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME YES,I GET THAT BUT MY THOUGHTS ARE LOGICAL/FACTUAL,HIS LOVE IS FACTUALBUT,FUCK I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW IF THIS IS EVEN GOING 2 B PLACED ON THIS BLOG SO HAT RIGHT-WHY GIVE A SHIT-IT’S NOT GONNA MAKE ANYTHING DIFFERENT FOR ME AND WHO THE FUCK WANTS 2 LISTEN READ THIS SHIT ANYWAY I THINK I’LL JUST COPY AND PASTE IT ELSEWHERE PUT IT ON A FLASHDRIVE-WHAT FUCKING EVER I DON’T KNOW WHAT 2 DO W/ MYSELF WHERE DO I TURNWHAT R MY CHOICES DECISIONS majority ,sorry 4 the caps,wasn
t paying attn 2 screen just looked-up 2 light a cigand saw it otherwise sorry if this bmakes no sense spelling is incorect what have u i’m typing but basically have very lit’l concentration was hoping that doing this would ease my mind iknow stuoid thought seriously don’t know why i’ve continued on after realizing it’s not setting my mind at ease i’m just fucked-up life life is 2 much 2 handle mainly my fault counseling was beneficial but then had no wheels ‘cuz some1 smashed in2 it carless 4 a lit;l over a month sure it definitely didn’t help not being able 2 get counseling and they wouldn’t provide me w/meds even though ihad no transportation-plse really,they couldn’t make exceptions-talk 2 me on phone-provede meds by mailing in2 pharmacy yah o.k. rue laws r laws i still feel since i recently got out of hospital and it was a rather serious admission,yes,i do believe any hospital admission 4 anything’s seri9ous-whatever rt i made my bed so if i choose 2 i have 2 ,well not totally sleep in the fuckin’ thing i was watching this movie called bloodshed military guy was so abused by sargeant or whoever he became crazy & went on killing sprees in the end he said 2 a young girl who he was torturing and wanted to kill said the only way i can stop is 4 u 2 put me out of my midery and then i can finf some peace he wound-up blowing his brains out when girl said she wouldn’t kill him she wanted 2 help him she stood there scared ut of her mind gave him gun and closed her eyes assuming he was going 2 kill her but there was know way she was going 2 kill him she has a conscioce next thing u know he said stuff 2 her holding gun then paused and blew out his brains i could never kill any1i’ve never been had thoughts of homicide wht the fuck have some concern 4 people it’s sad and wish i could save those who want to kill themselves but that is way fucked up if they choose 2 take some1 w/ tthme plse life’s hard,so hard and it’s said so painful but no1 can convince me that oters should b taken down w/ u just cuz ur life whether someone losts of people hurt u it still never justifies killing some1 else-doesn’t matter howthe state of mind ur in=other peoples life r precious lve them alone! there is no excuse for killing any1 o.k mayb hard core totruers child killers, whathave u even than i’d have hard x killing them hel i was molested for 3-4 yrs sure i wanted ,i was so young the older perpetrator dead but hey it would take me if some1 actually borought hime 2 me,he’s in jail now 4 muder torture-i don’t know if i could do it i don’t have that in me now donm’t get me wrong if cxircimstanceas called 4 it no other choice i would kill som,eone if they we’re gonna kill my hussband and i die for him in a heatrbeat if needded &/or thought felt it was gonna be them or my husband but even that would kill me 2 know i killed somone yes a scum and he was gonnna kill my husband nope he’s the best man in my and others liives/life he belongs on this earth he’s so great intelligent loving caring empathetic + so much more any1 is lucky 2 b in his presence for short &/or long term He’ll never realize how ggraeat he is in my eyes and or others! so wish i could take away all his pain-he doesn’t deserve it never did never hurt any1life is somoverwhelminfg painful,shitty i’ve been up nowv4 approx 30some hrs sleep meds can work @ x but i really don’t like 2 feel drugged don’t abuse any meds never did overdoses ok 4 vgood reasonsbut 2 b drugged out ‘cuz of prescrp dr gives 2 u but no choice if you can;t live w/out them or u& docs afree will die eventually w/out them no way i’ve been thrusted upon pain,& only although it’s was totally unjustified all inflicted pain from other person or yourself inflicting your own painu know none of this matters ii’m not even sure what i’m writing fuck life and it’s totally fucked-up that there’s nothing nothing i can do 2 stop it anymore once u lose hope belief what is there my husband is so wonderful me on the other hand i’m far from it i have counseling and meds review doc 2dayoh and what’s that going 2 accomplish nothing more tears pain,yah real beneficialhuh but it’s law and i so want 2 get better so i have 2 keep trying rigth?!??? something has 2 give sooner than later i hope just most importantly i want my husnd all and than mmy dog 2 stay healthy me,me i always survive!I only prety much worry about husband & dog! plse always smile don’t give up on anything life i guess is what u make it -at least that’s what i have to believe or just keep trying 2 convince myself of it if u want/can help convince meunderstandably so you may want 2 reply nastily and i’ll still read it but of course i hope u won’t reply or if do give it 2 me straight but keep it a litl nice! take care people never 4 get that people love you, i ldo yes my husband’s mot loved and important 2 me and that will never change just widh i could convince him of that but understandably so w/ my asshole self i understand hehas so much hurt from me! hey someday it will get better rt????
Hi L E,
I’m not sure if you read my post, but my situation is similar. I did not become physical with another man, but I did flirt and send an inappropriate pic to an ex. I don’t even know why i allowed myself to do such a thing. I mean I know that I love my boyfriend with all my heart. I felt the same way you did though, that i was unsure of our relationship and where it was going. We have been together for over 7 years and we have talked about marriage many times, but he always says be patient or it will happen and i think i was feeling like maybe he wasn’t sure he wanted to marry me. So when my ex emailed me he started flirting and I allowed it to continue and when he asked for a pic i sent it without giving it thought. I immediately regretted it and ended our communication. I deleted his contact info and no longer speak to him at all. I also told my boyfriend about it because i didn’t want secrets between us.
It has only been a month but I have having a very hard time forgiving myself. Even though my boyfriend says he forgives me it still haunts me in the back of my mind. Whenever anything comes up about cheating I immediately think is he going to bring it up again, or will he decide to leave? I worry that he may change his mind about us. I hate feeling this way. I want to let it go and move forward but it is very difficult.
I completely understand how you feel. I think though that if your husband truly forgave you then you really need to begin to forgive yourself. We have to try and remind ourselves that we are not perfect and we made a mistake but we learned from it and would never do it again. We need to remind ourselves that even though it is not an excuse we reacted the way we did because we weren’t truly happy in our relationships at the time, there was something missing. I know for myself that I after this my boyfriend is the one I need to be more open with about my feelings so that I do not feel that way again. Hopefully we can find the strength to forgive ourselves and let go. How is your marriage? Do you feel happy with your husband?
Hi seeking self forgiveness,
Thank you for you response. Yes I did read your post and I understand how you feel. I think this communication has been a good start in the healing process.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to completely understand how I could have let that happen years ago, but I know something was missing … and I also it will never happen again. It always is hard to hear when people say ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ because in my situation I can’t imagine how anyone would let it happen again if they felt the pain that I have.
Your words are kind and much appreciated. My marriage is very good. We were engaged about a year after this happened and have been married about 4 years now. No one would know that I have had this struggle as we are best friends and very happy. He never brings things up from the past. After this happened, when we talked about if we could move on I told him that I understood if he couldn’t forgive me. We talked frankly about if he decided to forgive the situation he would not bring it up again, and honestly wanted to put it behind us. He didn’t even share this with his closest friends or his siblings to protect the future of our relationship.
He doesn’t know how much this still haunts me to this day. That is hard because we do share everything, but this is not something I can talk to him about as I know it was painful enough at the time. I feel like this is my punishment to have to live with the guilt sometimes, but I’m working on it. It is helpful to ‘talk’ to someone who understands. 🙂 You’re right – there was something wrong or off track that caused the reaction to the attention. I should have been stronge, but I was weak within myself. Letting go of negative energy is so important, but I don’t know what steps to take to get there. I hope you and your boyfriend can work through this. I hope he is as understanding as my husband is, because years later he loves me and I know he meant it when he said he forgave me.
I have a life full of mistakes and hurting others I have changed that part but never forgave myself so I live unhappy pretending things and others make me happy I cant truly be until I let it all go and stop baming…. I want to let it all go right all of it every lie, cheat,mistrust, paranoid thought spoke outloud to an undeserving person., physical hurting, everything ive ever don’t to hurt those that love me wether I meant to or not