How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I was emotionally involved with someone rather than my husband. I had intentions ending it the night it got physical and stopped it immediately once it did, of course alcohol was involved. I love my husband more than anything I don’t want to hurt him and that’s why I’m not telling him and it’s eating at me. I’ve cut ties with the other man but I just want to feel normal again!!! I LOVE you justin I’m so sorry I did this you did this to us!!
Hi,
I just wanted to reach out as I just came across this website as I have been struggling with a situation that still haunts me years later in my marriage. It was a very complicated situation and many people were hurt by my actions.
I cheated on my boyfriend of many years (he is now husband). Although we were not married at the time, we had been together for many years and were at a difficult time – maybe it felt like a crossroad in our relationship. Where were we going? Why did I not feel like I was getting enough out of this relationsip? I didn’t even want anythin from the other person, but for some reason I reacted to the attention he was giving me and let things happen that should not have. He forgave me, but even after a couple years I have struggled with how to forgive myself. He said he understood that we had been drifting apart and although he was very upset he knew things between us were not in a good place. We had a very rough period but tired to keep communication open. I offered to leave – expecting that would be what he might want. He wanted to work on things to see if we could get through it. He did not want all the details of the sitiation, and I gave him the option for me to tell him as much or as little as he wanted to know. Basically he wanted to know if it was over and it was. I wonder if it would have been better to tell him everything and put it out there, but I respected that he said heaing the details would be too painful and he didn’t want that in his head. Most of his friends and family don’t know this happened. Many of mine do as word got out in the small town I came from. I don’t visit there anymore from the guilt I carry.
I have trouble engaging in conversations when there is a possibility the subject might come up to judge or discuss a similar situation. I’m always on edge thinking we are going to be in a setting where something might come up to trigger a reminder of what I did. Usually this is not even in a group where they know this has been a part of my life/ history. I’m not a bad person, but I did a very bad thing and caused pain. Everyday I wonder how I will ever be able to forgive myself. It is no easier today than it was when this happened years ago. I have also thought about seeing a therapist or a support group.
I understand your story and I hope somehow things will begin to get easier and heal.
That I gave up at U and I am now going backwards, having doubts on my abilities and intelligence. And that I have fears of having a job… which is really what holds me back from TRULY trying. I want to let this all go, and accomplish my goals.