How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
Hi sorry,
I have this feeling like I was apart of this situation and its a highly probable chance that you are some random and it sounds a lot like a situation I was apart of but if its not then I know who you are and you would instantly know of me.
Letting go is hard 🙂 No body blames you for sorting you out. We all need to do what we need too, to live lives that aren’t just upright but that we also enjoy. Live life big, enjoy and let go.
Would really like to know if this is you….
-H
My boyfriend who i was living with at the time put himself on an online dating site, saying that he was looking for his true love. All the time I was cooking, cleaning, sending him gifts, taking care of his children (which are not mine). I always wanted to make love more and be affectionate with him at times, but was always pushed away or treated like I was doing something wrong. He took me for granted, so I left him for about a month, but somehow he worked his way back in. He was a changed man for a couple of months until i decided to move back in with him. We had a couple of arguments where I went off and said his kids were fucked up, and his mother (who passed) would not be happy about what he is doing…I said alot of stuff that I should not have about him and his kid’s mother. I just wanted him to hurt like he hurt me. I am not proud of that, and I feel bad about it all the time. He told me it was okay, and he wanted to work things out and be with me, even marry me one day. So, we kept at it… we had a break through a couple of weeks ago…really talked about alot. I went to counseling and been going to church and reading the bible to help me let go of the anger towards him, and really just focus on me more. It has helped me take a step back and see things for how they really are. Ive taken steps back to give him space and the time he needs but he is so up and down with me. He is happy one moment then mad another and has been treating me so bad for a few weeks now. Ive tried to be nice and just stay happy or just walk away when we disagree so that we dont argue (just like he wanted) but he doesnt like that either. Pretty much I started treating him how he treats me because I thought that is the relationship he wanted because being myself felt like something wrong or not good enough. But, last night he finally just let it all out, and said he is still mad at me. That is why he acts the way he does or talks to me like the way he does. I dont understand because i didnt treat him bad or throw what he did in his face every chance i got when he did what he did. His kids love me and I love them with all of my heart. I spent my last dime making sure they were happy, but yet he tells me that when i correct them or talk to them I don’t have the right to. I know I am not their mother, nor am i trying to be, but either I am a parent figure or not. I have stood wherever he wanted me to for too long. I love him and I love his kids so much, i never meant to say they were fucked up, I meant that their situation is fucked up because their mother beats them, digs her nails into them and has them all confused about alot of things. His son asked him to talk to the mom about the abuse finally after telling his dad not to say anything for so long out of fear, and he still has not confronted her about it. Yet, I am crucified for trying to correct his son for rubbing his dirty feet all on clean clothes. I just am confused about what really is going on. One thing is clear though, that maybe while the idea of us being together is great; we just do not love each other the way two people should. I have given respect, and consideration, and compassion, and support throughout it all. I have gotten it from him, but only when he was willing to give it. I am tired, and I dont have to justify or prove myself to him even though ive said what i said because forgiveness is a choice. I choose to forgive myself and him and just move on from it. Thank you!
I had lost my dog who had been a big part of my life for ten years. I also had been on several really bad dates. Being single did not bother me so much, until my dog had died and I moved to back to the state I was raised in. Being single, back “home”, and without my companion, I felt very alone. I went online and found a blog/chat group for health- minded people. I ended up talking with this man, who is married. It started innocently, then verged into sex talk. He had asked me to meet him which I refused to do so. I knew it was wrong. But, I was feeling lonely and needed someone to talk to. His wife found our messages. She has been sending me some very angry emails, which I do not blame her for. I feel so ashamed that I allowed a married man to talk to me and allowed it to become into inappropriate talks. I am so thankful that I was strong enough to keep it limited to just messaging. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and I violated that by talking to him. I hurt a woman, a wife, a mother, a human being by talking to her husband. I should have ended the messaging the moment it became inappropriate. Why didn’t I? How can I ever forgive myself? How can I even respect myself?