How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
How do you let go and forgive yourself, when you are the offender? I did something I never ever thought I would do…I cheated on my husband. When he found out, he asked me a lot of questions and to avoid him leaving I only told him some of it. I already knew what a huge mistake I had made and didn’t want to make it worse. Well, I think he found out the rest and has now left me and won’t communicate with me at all.
I know I messed up huge, and I beg for his forgiveness, understanding and love to return. I hate myself everyday for what I ve done, for how I’ve hurt him.
The person I cheated with had authority over me and I thought maybe I liked this person. I felt like I couldn’t say no or stop to him, but I also liked the positive attention I was getting from him. That is not an excuse for hurting my husband. I’ve sacrificed a lot to be with my husband, as he is bipolar and have fully supported him during his mental illness diagnosis, doctors visits, medication errors that ended up with him yelling, stomping, throwing stuff and threatening suicide. I knew these things were not him but the illness, and I worked hard to help find the solution. He would get stable with meds and everything would be great but then the mania or depression would return.
During the time I cheated, he was going through a major depression for over a month. He was sleeping constantly, not showering or doing anything. I guess I felt lonely, and I guess it really comes down that the attention I was getting from the other person made me feel good. I feel horrible saying that.
I wish I could explain things to my husband. It was wrong to cheat, to lie, and maybe I didn’t support him as much as I could have during his depression or bipolar episodes. I love him so much. I hate myself more than he hates me….I wish he could understand just a little bit why I strayed. I want to work on things with him and have my marriage back. He hates me though as I did the unthinkable and trust on both sides is gone. I believe anything can be rebuilt but he doesn’t.
I am sure his family hates me and is telling him to stay away. His friends too. If only they knew a little bit about his bipolar and what it’s like to be around someone through an episode. They only se bits and pieces and he shows them his good side only.
I don’t think I can let go or forgive myself ever…and I don’t think I deserve to. Nothing can erase the cheating and the lying to the one person that trusted me.
If anyone can relate I would love to have some kind of support group or chats. Maybe we can help each other. Or if anyone has been able to get their husband or wife to forgive them for cheating and lying, I would love to hear from you about how you were able to move forward together. This is all I want with my husband.
I WANT TO FREE FROM STOLEN MISTAKES
I completely understand how you are feeling. I did not actually become physically intimate with another man, but I did send him a risky picture and flirt. I realized it was wrong and deleted his contact info and told my BF about it. I still feel so horrible about it. I truly love my BF and don’t want or need anyone else. He forgave me but I still can’t seem to forgive myself. Has it gotten any easier for you? We are good people we just made dumb mistakes and bad decisions. I hope your relationship is still going well. It hasn’t been long for us, but I think we can survive this. I hope. Good luck!