How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
Recently, a friend of mine was sent a hate mail by someone she thought was a friend of hers. Seeing how down she was after all the shock of being told of what the person thought she was, all my fear, guilt and shame has gone into overdrive as I’ve done the same thing three years ago. Unfortunately, I sent mine anonymously and the person’s family is a friend of mine. Few minutes of clouded judgement due to anger and I am now living in a lifetime of regrets. I didn’t even mean the things I said in the mail. The purpose was to hurt her but in the end, I hurt myself more. Right now, all I can feel is pain, pain and more pain. To be able to feel this pain is starting to feel beautiful. I fear the absence of pain everyday in my life as it ismy only friend at the moment. How can I help my friend who is now in need of moral support when everything that she says about how she feels is like dagger to my soul? My spirit is shattered, everything I hear and see is a reminder of what I’ve done. I decided to slowly hide away from everyone I know. I do not deserve my friends, my family everything that I have. I wasn’t to turn my life around as it is affecting me and my kids badly I can no longer function properly.
I wanted to thank everyone for their generostity in sharing on this blog. We can all talk the talk..because we know this walk, and how devestating it can be on our lives! I wondered if any of you have heard of a brilliant book By Dr Norman Doige, entitled “The brain that changes itself” an extraordinary essay in how our brain has developed how it can be reprogrammed and the startling changes that have been made by ordinary people in addressing their life sabotaging mental self talk. I know how hard and life sapping this condition of anxiety is on all of us..have a look at this book it may assist some of you out there..it has taken us a long time to develop our negative thinking habits about ourselves..so it stands to reason that undoing these old habits may be a lengthy process.
Best wishes to all!
i dont know what to do. i just want to die. i am 19 years old and i have destroyed my dreams and all my friend and girlfriend is away from me. i am stuck in my house and they are living thier live outside the city in another city. please help i want my happiness back. today before writing this i cried for 2 hours and really i feel why am i facing this. my mom and dad also dont stay with me iam left alone and i will die of crying. my girlfriend is also geting away from me because of our fights. please please please please for the love of god plz save my life. i want my old life back please. ;-(
Abhishek,
We are extremely concerned about your situation. Suicidal thoughts represent an emergency situation. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please immediately call 911, or (800) SUICIDE or (800)784-2433. ext 911.
If you want to seek counseling, we have offices across the US or we can also do online or phone counseling. Please call us at 1-855-2-THRIVE if we can be of any assistance.