How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
i fucked-up my husband emotionally,to the point where i see no return the guilt it eats away @ me so so so much guilt & i created it unintentionally but a fuck-up is a fuck-up unintentional or not i just need a reason..a reason?? i’ve never loved any1 like i love,am in love & like than this wonderful man,person & husband-but he’s never,and i don’t blame him,gonna forgive me after 12 yrs. of being 2gether-i can’t escape from myself;i hate looking in the mirror & i deserve to be treated like shit & mayb,just mayb don’t deserve to b forgiven plse don’t be nasty w/ ur replies-please,please,don’t be!!! i just wanta sleep-mayb 4-ever-maybe not?! no matter where i go,just like any1 else who’s done what i have,i can’t escape myself! so,now what? now fucking what? what do i have to hold on2? i c no way out! no where 2 turn! i made my own bed & can’t sleep in it-no i don’ want to sleep in it! my fucking mind won’t shut down! There’s not enough prescrips to stop this created pain & tears.so many tears! i’m pretty young so god won’t take me soon,i’ll go 2 hell anyway! no this is not a dramatic,pity party 2 me-just a way 2 get this out where no one that knows me,can c this! please,please,i beg you,no sarcastic,nasty,even though i deserve it,replies?! please,none!
I want to let go of the shame, guilt and general self punishment that I am putting myself through surrounding a break up with my girlfriend of 7 years. She was truly an amazing woman and loved me completely. I never fully advanced the relationship and built the lasting bonds she needed to continue to stay with me. She never pressured me to marry her but I knew thats what she wanted. I just kept easing along. She works a lot and I guess I worried that if I am feeling lonely now (not her fault) perhaps marriage is not the answer. What makes it so hard is I loved her, her family and just wanted more of her. I am self employed and have done very well. I have sacrificed a lot of freedom and finances to keep the relationship together. I believed it was worth it. However I grew restless over time, I even cheated on her with random girls when I was out of town. I guess I was afraid to leave her but was not satisfied. Our relationship grew stale and very routine. I pushed her away when she wanted to save the relationship partially because I was unconscious of the true gravity of the situation. Once she made the decision to leave I became very emotional. It has been 5 months and I am getting stronger but I still have deep regrets that she might have been the best partner I will ever have and I messed it up. I am nearly 33 and during the last 7 years shared amazing things with this woman. I was arrogant and perhaps selfish. I think I was dealing with a form of covert depression for much of that period which might explain some of the defenses I put up. At any rate I hope the pain of regret and lost love steadily wanes and I can move forward. My shaken identity is also a big factor. All I can say is I hope the universe has a plan for me because right now it feels like I am the biggest failure on the planet.
I met a girl a few weeks back and started feeling for her. We hung out and talked alot about stuff neather of us have told anyone. She felt like a best friend and possibly someone I could fall in love with one day. Ive been in alot of relationships where I was made to feel like I did things wrong. And I did do some but most were petty but I was ignored for long periods of time for them. Via txt. So I got use to apologising sometimes non stop for days via txt.tell finally I would receive a text saying that she wasnt that mad a me or something of the sort. Well also I have a bad problem with saying things I think in a mean way when I drink. And I’m hurt / emotional/ worried/ stressed. Well well call her new girl. She had been with another guy dating and came to the conclusion that it was wrong of her to date 2 people. In my sober mind I totally understand. And I would love to have just remained friends. Honistly I have no friends to hang out with in my area. No one comes over. Exc. So for her to come over hang out spend the night cuddle. Omg I was in heaven! Well when she told me it was via txt. I wanted her to still come over. Figured she wouldnt . Got drunk. Txt some more. Felt bad for bugging her. Was worried about her. Felt like if I could talk to her I could help her relax and make her happy. Well no responses. And drunkenness lead me to the old path. Apologise apologise over and over. Finaly I fell asleep drunk to wake and drink even more. 3am guzzling beer after beer. Crying. Hating self. So I txt a mean message saying she was crazy and the guy she was dating was probably doing some other girl and alot of other mean stuff. 🙁 then for two days still drinking I apologised over and over again. Hating myself for being a asshole. Hell I didnt even remember typing or sending the text. Was told never talk to her again. Via txt. So now I’m all alone again. Not a friend in the world to hang out with. Found a amazing girl but had to fuck it up cuz I didnt know how to manage my sadness and hurt. Or how to realize she was probably going through something herself. I was just thinking about myself. How hurt I was. So yup I’m the evil asshole. So now ill have to live the rest of my life knowing that I fucked up a friendship that could have lasted a life time. But she helped me give myself my life back. Ive been living a life of not caring about anyone or anything most my life. Living in the moment forgetting what ive done wrong in the past or things done to me in the past. Just so I could get by or live with myself. Well now I know. I need help. So I’m going to get counseling and on anti depressants. And sleep meds. Ive been sleeping 5 hr a night for 4 months. Think that and the drinking have just made me into a person I really am not comfortable being. I loved the old me. The one she got to know. Not the bad me. The one she should have never had to meet. So here’s to you my dear friend ill never get the chance to talk to again :’-( you probably saved my life. Ty pray one day we can be friends again. Big huggs