How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
My fiancee and I have been together for 5 years. In high school he made me do stuff that I did not want to do and it made me feel so dirty. But I did it because I got tired of him asking me. Well everyday that I did something I wanted to go home and kill myself because I was so ashamed. I lost my virginity at 16 and I wanted to wait till I was married but I was talked into doing it. I got called a slut and a whore around my high school because what I had did. My fiancee had sent to basic and I had slept with 4 different guys I dont know if it was out of spite or what but everyday of that summer I cried myself to sleep. Now were living together and he wants to have sex with me all the time and I dont. I’m so caught up in guilt that I don’t want to do anything with him because of my past. I hope by getting this out I can go back to my normal life without the feeling of guilt.
I was somehow involving a relationship one year after my divorce. The worst thing was the partner who was in relationhip with me was on a process of divorce, and at the present, still on the fighting with his wife.
A little regarding his marriage background and divorce process. He felt to be cheated by his wife, but his wife wants the even division of their co-owner house. He thought the house inherited from his grandmother, he doesn’t want to give that portion to his wife. They married for 8 years. He found he had been cheated one year ago, and his wife moved out from their place right after, he transferred his job in another country wanted to a brand new life. But they didn’t divorce when seperate.
He was seeking dating partners before coming to the new country, and dating with different persons. He is not a bad man, I shall say, he doesn’t want to cheat others as he was to be cheated.
I had written communication with him, thought he is a reasonable person, profession on communication, a kind of reliable person. We had had good communications. When he went to the new courtry where his job supposed to transfer, we met there after months communciation, we like each other very well. But at that time, I don’t know how complicated his current marriage was, he just mentioned he was still on the process of divorce when we met face by face.
When we returned back for packing and empty the house and wanted to rent it out. But I felt there was wrong when I communciated with him when he was back home. After my questions, he admitted and said his wife made the divorce hard and painful.
We had some communciations in written when I knew he was not ready for the relationship with me as he was hard with the divorce process.
We planned to meet and spend some more time when he was back from home and officially settled down in the new country, but it didn’t happened due to the sad communications after he told me he needs more time and space to deal with troubles.
After three months, we somehow connected again, as we were caring each other always, he said he was very sorry for the pain brought to me, if it’s possible, he would like to revert the time and never bring hurt to me. He wants to compensate.
As I was loving him, but restrained due to the bad time to meet. I would love to have the second chance we were be together.
The bad things repeated again, he was confusing, hesitate, not really devote to me. I was changing to a person I don’t like, I read minds, angry. I just knew recently, he is still fighting with his wife on the seperation of the house and will go to court on the divorce process.
In addition, he was contineously meeting new people from dating recourse, with different person. I am not suspect his rolyaty, but I am sure he is in a bad circle of disastor of the divorce and insecurity with new people.
Well, I know this kind of relationship will ruin me. I have to stop it. I just felt so painful and bad. I was just expecting his comfort words and wanted to know he was really caring me and loving me as he said. Otherwise, this is kind of being cheated. I left the country we met, I am going to move to another new country, and planned study and running my own business there. The steps for me, I shall say it’ great for a new start.
Still, I am not that efficient on working and focusing on my job. As the contineous pain I sufferred during the last 8 months.
How can I live in a more positive way more focusing on my stuffs and forgive meself?
I want to let go of the guilt and regret of ruining my relationship with my ex. I was very insecure and I pushed him away and really hurt him. I was over the top emotional all the time and very needy, yet pushy at the same time. It was hurtful, burdensome, and overall horrible to be with me. I want to let go of the guilt I feel for putting someone I care about through all of that. I feel terrible for hurting him and making him so miserable. I also want to let go of the regret. I really messed up something that could have been beautiful had I just not been so insecure. I feel I will always miss him and want him back and I will never find someone better or be happy with anyone else. This fills me with regret and self-hatred and for “ruining my life.” I want to forgive myself and let it go.