How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I cheated on my wife years ago on different occasions and feel horrible. She’s the love of my life. I can’t begin to express how badly I feel. She did not deserve what I did to her. I feel like I don’t deserve her because of this. But I must let this go. I must get better for not only my sake, but for hers—the longer I keep this in, the longer it’ll be before I get back to being the husband that she deserves. Thus, I must hereby forgive myself for my trespasses against her. I forgive myself finally, after years and years and endless moments of tearing myself up and not focusing enough on her instead of these past acts. I forgive myself for that as well. The past is gone, I am only losing the present and the enjoyment I could be having with her by continuing to hold on to what I can’t change, that which I should only look to learn from. But what I can change and learn from is today. Today is here and I am determined to grab it now and forgive myself for the past. I’m ready to embrace the now and while not forgetting the past, forgiving it and forbidding it from foreclosing on my future and her future, the future she wants with a healthier and happier me. That past is only here for me now to learn from, not to regret from. I forgive myself.
I sent an e-mail to my ex’s professor with information that he had plagerised on an assignment.
The other night, I was having a meal at my flat with my flatmate and 1 other friend of ours, a girl whom I have not known for that long but we all get along well. We were drinking wine with the meal and I received an email just after eating saying that my new job’s probation was over and I had passed it. I felt very happy so we opened a bottle of Prosecco and then kept drinking wine. I remember nothing after about 11 pm but woke up in bed with my friend in my bed too. I do not remember anything happening but I feel like things did happen, just an inate feeling that I can’t explain, and I had some very troubled dreams that night, more nightmares. I have a girlfriend whom I love more than I can describe, we have been together for over 6 years and we are looking to move into a flat together ASAP. I feel so insanely guilty and I hate myself for what I think I have done, but more than that I hate myself for putting myself in a position where I was not in control and thereby dishonouring myself and her. My GF has been going through a very tough time with her job recently, she is a teacher and is finding it very stressful and considering moving career paths, she is also find it deeply affecting her confidence. I know that I need to tell her and explain that I feel like I have destroyed everything that I stood for and loved. I love her so much that I am willing to do anything at all to prove that I will not allow myself to be in a position like that again. I would literally give her my life if I could, I cannot express just how dire I feel, food does not go down and I cannot stop shaking. I cannot hate myself any more than I do now but I know that in order to make up for it I need to learn to accept I made a terrible mistake and make all the efforts to better myself. I do not however want to make my GF’s life any harder than it is already! I partly think that I should keep it to myself as it was not a “concious” decision and therefore I do not need to work out any deeper problems in our relationship. I must simply dedicate my life to bettering myself and making sure that all the mistakes I made are not repeated. However I do not want to make it worse in the long run. All I want to do is what is best for my GF, she is all I can think about, but in what can only be a selfish thought, I cannot bear to lose her, even though in so many ways I do not deserve her?