How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I created a fundraiser in my town to help those in a recent natural disaster. I enlisted the help of rotc cadets to stand out in uniform in from of stores to ask for donations, much like the VFW buddy poppy. Although only a few people showed up to help, we ended up making over $800 in a mere 6 hours. My “best friend” and I at the time were in constant trouble- we never got caught, but we skipped school, lied, stole, and cheated our way to get things that we wanted. Her and I ended up going on a mini shopping spree and spending all the money that the fundraiser made. I recently started my own business to make the money back- and I have 5 more days to do so, as the ROTCs want a receipt of the money sent to out into their records. I’ve held this off for months. My “business” is by making crafts and selling them. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, I’ve been selling everything I have. I’ve lied so much to get what I want. I tell myself that today I’m going to go without lying but it never happens. My “best friend” alienated me from a huge group of friends, and now at school I have nobody. Rrslly, I don’t want to know any of them anymore. I want to cancel them out of my life and start again. I’m going away to college this year, in a different town. When I move I’m planning on changing my number, blocking many people off Facebook, and changing my email. I don’t want to know anybody from my past because those feelings of guilt just hit me like a naval ship. I’m just crushed. I feel guilty and stupid.ashamed. I couldn’t tell anybody what happened because if I do, I lose my college scholarships and an otherwise good reputation. Honestly, sometimes I want to die because I feel like a horrible person.
About 4 years ago I went through a major emotional and spiritual shift. I ended a painful relationship, and several friendships that I believed at the time were also un healthy. I distanced myself from my family, and set out on my own path of self discovery which has lead me to greater health, happiness, and a marriage that supports and sustains me in ways I never experienced before.
The guilt, shame, pain I hold onto that I am LETTING GO of, is that during that time I also seemed to hurt a lot of those people who saw themselves as good friends and people who really cared about me. I blamed them more than I should for my own emotional challenges and issues and created a lot of confusion and anger from people that I tried so hard to make understand what I was going through. Ultimately my actions came across as harsh and insensitive, but I was only doing what I knew how to do which was protect and preserve my self. I now know that there are much kinder, gentler ways to set boundaries and be honest with people- and that its okay if they still dont get it. However, I didnt know then or have the tools to deal with this better. I have not recovered any of these relationships and still believe I am better off with out them- I just wish I didnt continue to worry what any of these people still think or feel about me, and I no longer want to carry around the guilt of hurting or abandoning people when I needed to work on my self and my own issues. I have forgiven them for the things I felt were not ok in our relationships, I now need to let go and forgive myself once and for all. I will not carry the shame or guilt of my past mistakes or relationships anymore. I deserve to be free and happy and enjoy my life and the people I choose to have in it TODAY. I will do my best to never repeat the same mistakes, and handle things in kinder healthier ways, and I will trust myself to do this. I have realized that I had a rigid view of who I was supposed to be and have also softened and allowed much more of my and others humanity in than I used to. I will choose gratitude for my awareness and again, LET GO of wishing I had done things differently.
Thank you
I can relate to your hurt and guilt in which you are currently feeling . Yes, You may have feel you have done a bad thing but God made us he knows us better than we know ourselves. He wants you to come to him ask him for his forgiveness. He sees your heart and your despair. He doesn’t want you to hurt because he loves you so much. We are all imperfect in an Imperfect world. You are doing one good thing acknowledging your mistake. Just think how things could have gone and become worst if this lingered. I pray that God heals your relationship with your brother and that he will give you the strength to forgive yourself. ” Do not lean upon Your own Understanding” he knows come to him , he will fix this.