How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I think I will be forgiven. I hate lying. The lies almost killed me.i did want to lie to her but I had to keep it a secret
I met a person who I fell for. His fake charm and fake kisses. Fake care. I hate him. He had no idea what he put me through a secret that I cant fix.i hate him.i could have kept my baby but I knew he was an asshole and would abandon me!I hid it from him and not a soul will know but one person!that fckn doctor! I need to understand that I wanted this and I paid the price.i want to let all go I want to forget I want to forgive. It is so hard. I thought that doing what I did would make my life better. I was wrong so wrong that it killed my spirit. I have to not blame him for doing this to me but forgive him. I did it to myself. Its all my fault. I hate myself. I have to not look back I have to forgive him for abandoning us. My baby is in heaven. He I d a cruel and selfish man that will never know what I went through.he has no idea! I really fell for him. I am so stupid. How can I! Forgive that man! He is so cruel. So cold hearted! I need to pray for him!and forgive for not caring! I have to love my enemies I have to know that I need to smile to live. He took my heart and crushed it into a million pieces! Tod a y I kept thinking about him but I got so angry and spiteful. When I aborted my baby I felt so empty. So unhappy. I lost everything because of him! My marriage is doomed. I know it takes two to tangle but I have a grudge against him. My tears are cleaning my soul along with praying. I let go God! I in my heart fogive him now. I need to to move on move foward. I need this I need to let it out now after so long. I will one day have a good man and I won’t vbe a fool this time.i cant blame the doctor either. Because I convinced him.which I should have not used his weakness against him,MONEY! I was just another PROCEDURE! When I am through with letting my secret out I am going to be myself again. Which I haven’t been . I use to have a good spirit a live spirit that he broke and broke hard.he hurt me so bad.i don’t want to think of him ever.i dont want to ever speak his name again. That was a chapter in my life and this is new chapter. A clean chapter. I start anew from this day foward. I have to do this to heal properly. I want to be able to joke a n d laugh again. I loved him because we had a bond that he will never know. I will never tell a soul. This is my deepest and darkest secret. I may say some things to certain people to let out alittle, but not the whole truth. The lie felt better, and that is what killed me.i fogive you .I forgive you.i forgive you…now truely I forgive. I had to let it out. I have to keep telling myself that. And reminding myself that I choose this and its my fault. I acknowledge my mistake now God… lies never set anyone free. It almost killed me. I pray that he forgives me in heaven when he finds out the truth from God.if I go there. I am not worthy…but I pray that he is forgiven for the way he treated me.i forgive now. The question is will I be forgiven by God. I forgive myself now. I am not perfect and never will be. I am only human.i hope that one day I will stop making people take my kindness for weakness. I feel sane again. I vented the whole truth. I never even asked G o d to forgive me for the abortion, only now I did. It feels so good to forgive. And let go of the past. And if I ever do see him out there I wont do what I wanted to do to him before flick him off. But I still will keep my secret from him forever.
I have either quick or just given up on everything I have ever studied, trained or engaged in because, though I hate to place blame but, my father has always stepped in and said to me that I am doing it wrong and that I will never get it right, and stipulates that if it where him that he would and has done it right the first time. so, I just walk away, lose interest and the things I once found fun or had a passion for I have no interest in doing, that includes work. I found myself in a deep deep deep depression about two years ago and walked away from my job and a skilled trade I once was proud of and this to was a choice I made a long time ago when I decided to follow my father into the field of business he was in all to show my father that I respected him and possibly he would be proud of me for being right there with him. yet, that to became hopeless and disheartening after so much negative criticism from my dad, yet I had surpassed his skill level,, he still had me under his thumb in a manner of speaking. as I said I walked away from my job and my home and all my bills and loans and became dependent on whoever was willing to put up with me in the state and frame of mind I was now in. I have not yet found o job and its been close to two years and I am still feeling like there’s no hope and yet again my father has proven me right that I guess I will always fail…..