How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I was so desperate to be loved that I refused to give a child back to its natural mother, because I couldn’t stand the thought of losing love when i had never had it before.
I neglected my mother when I had the chance to get affection and love, even though she had dementia.
I pushed a girl over when she brought a guy home and used cocaine with him. I was jealous because she had slept with me and stopped.
I resented my mother and made her life hell, because of the abuse I had received from my father that she had overlooked.
I lied to make myself look good
I created drama to get attention
I punched cousin’s girlfriend because I wanted her out of my cousin’s life because I was scared of being abandoned by my cousin again
I lied and caused terrible pain to my cousin when I thought she had attempted to ruin my reputation to someone else
i want to to let go of the past hurts my bestfriend did to me. She kept on ignoring me… I was only good to her as when I’m needed. I really wanted to communicate with her but she tried to avoid me. I was always there for her wherever she needs me but when its my time to be heard about what’s worrying me or about my problems, she gets irritated and finds me overly dramatic and sensitive. Whenever she needs someone to talk to, I was always there for her. When she needs help, I’ve always showed her that I’m ready to help her. She is taking me for granted. She’s always been a priority but I was just an option to her. When she’s happy with her friends, she doesn’t even care if I’ve have been waiting for her reply long enough. But when she’s down, she would always text me anytime of the day even at the wee hours. She doesn’t want to talk things about our struggling friendship. She doesn’t want to talk about issues concerning our friendship. She only wants us to move on without talking about the things that made us fight. She started to avoid me and started distancing herself from me. I was deeply hurt. I could not even tell her I I feel about the situation. I was so down. I was even asking her to her me go through with my personal struggles but she never bothered to ask how I am? I noticed that everytime I am in financial trouble, she is trying to distance herself from me. I don’t even want to involve her in matters concerning financial concerns, all I wanted was to share what was bothering me.so I could a least release my fears. She knew I was going through tough times, but she didn’t care. I have cried a lot of times because of the pain it had caused me. For almost two months of not communicating with me, she finally made a move to greet me for the the holiday seasons. I admit I also have a share for the falling apart of our friendship that is why I apologized for the things that caused her pain because of me. We both had our own share for the falling apart of our friendship.. I responded to her texts because I still value our friendship. We’ve been friends for almost thirteen years and we had lots of good memories. I’m feeling a lot better now. She’s trying to reach out. I’m also responding to her but I don’t initiate the texting. I was rejected a lot of times before the the months of silence. She is still important to me and still I want her to be part of my life, to be my bestfriend. I want to move from this hurts. I wanted to forget what happened in the past. I don’t want to go through what I’ve been through in the past months. I want to let go of all these thoughts that keeps on reliving on my thoughts. and causing me to feel hurt. I want to let go of this. I wanted to forgive her and move on with my life. I am so positive that God will reconcile us. But I want to let go of this pain, forgive her and be forgiven so we can be back to being friends again and work it out to be the best of friends. After this, I will never go back to where this pain had imprisoned me. I will never allow myself to be in that place again.. God the father, I know that you love me and I know that I have always been forgiven for all the sins that I’ve done. I lift to you all these pains and hurts in me. I’m letting them go of them and I forgive the person who has wronged me. I love my friend and I want to work things out with her. Help me not to remember the pain and hurts. Its only in forgiving others that I maybe forgiven of all my sins. I trust you Lord with all my heart and I never doubt your ability to grant healing to those who need it. Help me forgive myself too for allowing myself to brood over this negative emotions. I wanted to let go of the past, forgive and move on with my life according to how You want me to live it. These I ask In Jesus” name, amen. Thank you Lord for never letting me down.
The past 4 years of behavoir