How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I have deviated so far from myself. I slept with a guy who I know will never see me as anything more than physical. I kept running to him even when he didn’t treat me the way I deserved. I slept with him tonight and we chalked it up as a farewell kind of thing.
In the middle of getting busy he stopped to say he’d been lying about being physically exclusive. He said there was another girl he will probably be getting serious with soon. I disconnected and calmly told him that this was wrong and that I would be the loser in all of this.
I was about to leave, shoes on, still being cordial when he grabbed me back and for some stupid reason I gave in with no regard. We had sex and now I feel this sick feeling in my gut. He said they weren’t serious yet but I can’t trust him. Even if that’s true I still feel worthless and wrong.
I used to be so head strong and in control. Why was one guy like this able to make me lose myseld. Like my name says, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like a slut with no morals. What good person sleeps with her coworker when this coworker is dating another coworker? I had suspicions before inyet I still did it. Who am I and whst hapoened to the old me?
I want to let go of the person who I was. I used to lie about everything to make myself seem more important because I believed I was a no-one. I lied about my age, where I lived, how much money my family had, where I have travelled etc etc. I also made a point of hurting people by being rude to them for no reason and I also believed that no person would ever love me and that they would leave me, so I acted in a distructive behavior to kill off my relationships. I had a boyfriend, who yes did not treat me very nice and did cheat on me, so at the time, I went around and would flirt and kiss other men (even one of his close friends) because I was hurt and tried to use this to get back at him. I am not proud of who I was then but am with who I am now. I just have guilt of the actions that I have done and it gives me anxiety. I need to forgive myself for what I have done and be a better person now and learn from my mistakes
I am a cheater. I am I liar. and I will literally do anything to change that. I made a careless mistake that ruined the relationship with my wife because I was selfish. she is so perfect. the most amazing person in the entire world. and I let her go because I cheated. I need to let her go.