How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I want to forgive myself for hating my father for abandoning us (my mother & 3 kids) to a life of poverty while he remarried twice and lived in comfort! For feeling inferior to other boys at school, later with girls. Even though I was an attractive young man I always felt insecure and unworthy.and this caused me a lot of heartaches and anger when I was dumped because I’ve always felt betrayed! I never went to college (a decision I still regret) because I didn’t want to be laughed at or put down. I lost a lot of people I loved and still harbor bitterness because of how they treated me when they left. I wish I could have been given promotions for my hard work but without a degree and being 50 years old, that’s not going to ever happen. It has sickened me to my soul to see people with less drive and work ethic be promoted over me because they can talk a good game and I can’t. I wish I could forgive myself for hating what so many people have done to my soul for so many years, but alas all I seem to have any more is a hardened heart. God have mercy on me
I WANT TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT HAVING A CHILD! MY POOR DAD IS VERY SICK AND I NEVER GAVE HIM A GRANDDAUGHTER OR GRANDSON WHICH HE REALLY WANTED
I want to let go of and forgive myself for a lot of things.
Firstly for breaking my ex girlfriends heart. It’s only once the favour was returned and my actions were imitated by her that I realised just how bad I must have made her feel. I also now realise how lucky I was to be with her and ultimately I feel like no longer having her in my life is punishment enough, so I’m letting go of the guilt.
Secondly, I would like to forgive myself for my lack of work ethic and discipline. Not only have I lost out because I am now fighting to re-organise my life and career, but so too have my parents. They’ve lost out on money, time, effort and ultimately the relationship with me that I can only imagine they would have wanted – due to my main focus being on maintaining a relationship with drink and drugs in order to escape reality… a bad decision that ultimately has cost me. I forgive myself.
Additionally, I want to forgive myself for the poor decisions I’ve made lately. For continuing to do things I know I shouldn’t – watching pornography, smoking, lying, engaging in sexual acts without any thought, for closing myself off from all my friends, for making no effort and as a whole, for not having the self respect and dignity I know I should.
It’s time to make a change and that change is to be for the better. Life is about learning and I feel like I have done that. I have learnt what I want, what I don’t want and all in all the person I strive to be. I’m letting go of the past and forgiving myself whole heartedly. Everybody makes mistakes – those mistakes are no longer holding me back and controlling my life.
I FORGIVE MYSELF. I LET GO.