How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I slap my wife the other day in a fit of rage after finding out that she stole money from me again I just lost it
I want to forgive myself for staying in a bad relationship for about 5 years too long and for staying involved with my ex for a little over a year after our breakup. He cheated on me repeatedly. He lied to me so many times. He hit me once and was physically abusive on several occasions. Even after I knew he was being unfaithful on a regular basis and we broke up, I still tried to make it work. I still gave him money. I was still there for him just as much as I had been when we were together. I acted as if I had done something wrong, as if I had been the one who lied and cheated.
I will admit that I have had major depression and anxiety issues since my childhood. I grew up feeling like a burden to my parents (dad, step-mom, and mom) because it seemed like I caused the most issues in my father’s household. I felt worthless. At the age of 7, I was already asking God to take my life and I was angry that I was alive because the pain I felt was almost unbearable. My parents are divorced. My mother hasn’t wanted much to do with me since her marriage to my father ended. When I was 7, I was forced to live with my dad and step-mom without any warning. The trauma of being separated from my mother (who was my world even though she didn’t care much about me) caused my predisposition to developing depression (mental illnesses run on my mother’s side of the family) to surface. Step-mom didn’t like me because I represented my mother, someone she never got along with. Mother didn’t like me because I represented my father, someone who cheated and abused her.
As soon as I could, I jumped into a relationship because i thought having someone’s love would fill the void caused by not receiving the love and acceptance I needed from my parents. Jumped into a relationship with the wrong guy, saw red flags from the very beginning but ignored them because I was that desperate for love. I already said what happened during the time he was in my life. I have not seen or spoken to him in almost 3 years but I still not have been able to forgive myself for allowing myself to be disrespected and taken advantage of for so long. I guess what adds insult to injury is that my ex still worships the woman he cheated on me with but i’m not portrayed in a positive light. I was the one who was hurt but I’m the villain… I found out last year that my ex had gotten engaged to her while we were still together and that they had gone to vegas to get married (didn’t happen because they weren’t able to apply for a marriage license). He hates me because I told him years ago that i didn’t want him in my life anymore. I am not in love with him anymore but it still hurts that the people around him do not know the truth about our relationship and how and why it ended. His friends don’t know that he physically attacked me and hit me. All they know is that “I’m crazy”. They don’t know that the years of being lied to and disrespected with cheating being the final straw that caused me to began acting irrationally. During the year or so we were involved but not together, I did everything I could to get him to leave me alone so I wouldn’t have to be the one to walk away from him first because I felt I didn’t have the strength to walk away. I wanted him to “rid himself” of me. Sad, huh? I would call him over and over again if he wouldn’t answer his phone to annoy him. I would send him the same text message 50-100 times if he didn’t respond to my initial text. I WAS NOT thinking clearly at all during this time. I was just very hurt that the person I had done so much for had decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I could go on and on about this but I’ll stop here. I just hope that I can forgive me one day for “wasting” 7 years on someone who my intuition had warned me about from the very beginning.
I was in a relationship for over a decade and was about to be married. We were struggling for several years before our wedding to grow together. Before the wedding we addressed our issues in therapy but not much change was made. At that time a married friend told me how he felt about me and pursued me relentlessly. I kept him at arms length for months because I didn’t want to hurt his wife or my fiance. He was aggressive and we ended up kissing several times. Things with my partner continued to get worse and tensions were high. I was trying so hard in therapy but the counselor said it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t step up too. I would lie to my fiance when I would meet up with this guy to hang out. My fiance and I talked about postponing the wedding but decided to go through with it. After the wedding we decided to separate based on the counselor’s recommendation. I was so distraught that I broke and slept with this friend. I continued to sleep with him to numb my pain. I began to have feelings for him whether real or circumstantial. This man was trying to separate from his wife, but she wound up pregnant. I put distance between him and I and stopped contracting him, but he didn’t stop. He kept coming around and calling and texting. I ended up sleeping with him again. He has now told his wife he’s leaving and I don’t know what to do about my husband. I still love my husband but we still have our issues outside of my infidelity. I have NEVER cheated before and my partner cheated on me years ago but I forgave him. My guilt over hurting my partner, lying, cheating, hurting this man’s wife and going against what I believe is killing me inside. I feel it everyday and nothing is enjoyable. I’m not a bad person but I made very bad mistakes and I don’t know how to move past it.