How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
My drinking to hide my feelings ruined the relationship I had with my boyfriend/ best friend. I’m having trouble getting over the guilt and hurt I feel for what I’ve done but also some anger that he was not more supportive of my addition because he went thru addiction and I was there for him. I feel he’s judging me to harshly, but I need forgiven for myself before I can ever expect him to possibly forgive me. I’ve just never felt so alone.
I have been feeling guilt for over 20 years. I married a man who did not care for my children. My children were about the ages of 11 and 12 years of age when we married. My daughter is now 40 years of age and has been living with anger because of this marriage. She told me when she was young that this husband was mentally abusive, but at the time I thought it just a teen not getting along with a stepfather. Reciently my daughter told me that she has not had good relationships and suffers from depression because I allowed this husband to mentally abuse her. I did devorce this man when my daughter was age 17. Like I said earlier I already felt guilt, but after my daughter basically told me her life has been ruined by me, my guilt is now overwhelming. I appoligized to her for not protecting her, but she has not told me she has forgiven me. I love my children more than anything and regret having this man in my life. I know I need to move on and forgive myself but I can’t.
I found it helpful to say sorry to my children for the things I and my ex husband put them through in our marriage. Also my relationships after marriage and my failed job and losing my lovely home. My children were very angry. Now they forgive me in their mid twenties and we have a great relationship. I still apologize for what they had to go through but I tried to put them first and was able to take care of their needs and help them understand their father,s mood swings, my bad behavior . I was able to help them through college,if only having my home to live in temporarily for free. I am proud of them and lucky to have their support. We had a lot of hurt and anger before. I am working on forgiving myself and raising my self esteem, so that I can be more productive and save for retirement and help my adult children more.
Need to find help for my husband. Feels really down and possibly depression . Has a lot of pressure financially and is turning to a destructive path to his health to numb the pain. Don’t know where to seek help.