How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I want to let go of the guilt that has been ruining my life for the past year. I cheated on my boyfriend while he was away on holiday because I was stuck in the house, insane from loneliness. I kissed a guy one night and then went over to his house a night or two later. I didn’t want to have sex with him that night but I was drunk and blacked out. I came to with him on top of me and just did what I thought I was suppose to do – I acted like I liked it even though I just wanted to get it over with. I don’t consider it rape because I know I was willingly doing it – I was just young (18) and did what I THOUGHT was expected of me. I hate the man for taking advantage of a young girl and manipulating her when all she needed was her boyfriend (I was leaving the next morning to the airport to fly to my boyfriend and the man was taking me, which was why I was at his house in the first place.)
My boyfriend knows and forgives me and loves me still and I am so lucky to have been blessed with an amazing guy. He has let go of the past and a year later and I think I am almost there. I have been so wrapped up in my guilt from hurting the man I love that I have considered suicide in the past. I have thought before that my boyfriend would be better without such a terrible girlfriend but I know now that it’s not true!!!
I am almost there. I can forgive myself. I know now that I can forgive myself because I was young and stupid and never meant to hurt my boyfriend. I can forgive myself because he did. I can be happy because I am just a human who has learnt from her mistakes, whole heartedly. I am so excited for the guilt-free life I have ahead of me – I just need to stay on my path towards self-forgiveness.
My marriage was spirraling downward and instead of dealing with the issues head-on, I chose to step out of the relationship to seek what I felt was missing. I worked hard for many years after trying to prove my love and deep remorse, but unfortunately, he just couldn’t get over it and decided to end our 13 year marriage. I’ve been devastated, depressed, resentful and regretful since, and can’t seem to accept that he’s not coming back. I know it will take time to heal and move forward, but I hope to eventually let go of what I used to know which no longer is, and the feelings of pain, anger, sadness, lonliness, guilt, shame and failure. I have a LONG road ahead of me.
I treated the best woman iv ever met like dirt for 5 years, i didnt show her enough love, i didnt make her feel happy, i got her to go get stuff or weed because i was to lazy. I was emotionaly head f^/#@&g her if i was shitty because i wasnt thinking about anyone but me, i would come home shitty and take it out on her and make her unhappy and cry. I was an asshole and all she did was love me. I cheated on her 3 times and she still came back and loved me. I was stupid! For all the wrong and pain i caused im so hurt at myself for letting treat her so poorly. Can you ever really forgive yourself for actions you knew at the time were causing pain but didnt care? And now the girl of your world is slipping alway because she cant pull heself to come back. It is hard to fogive yourself but i must accept what i have done and learn from it. Once your eyes are open the cant be shut. I must try and let go.
It feels good to talk about it… thank you