How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
I am letting go of the hurt that I’ve caused myself for failing to pass at my previous University. I’d also like to let go of the person that I was while at the university
My biggest fear is hurting the man I love. I cheated on my previous partner I felt guilt and shame and could not forgive my self and let it go. So on the previous Sunday night, My boyfriend and I was out. I met a fellow which I didn’t know but my bf and other friends did. He was sound. As my bf was talking to some fellow I was glad of this fellows company but never thought any more of it. So my bf left with the fellow he was talking to and I realized that there must be a row on. So as I stepped outside he was fighting ( I have never seen him fight in the two years we have been together). It was strange but I felt if anyone even touches him I’ll be over ot sort them out even though I could do nothing. Anyway it wasn’t much of a fight. The minute my bf hit the fellow he felt bad and said I am taking him home” I didn’t want him to do that but followed him half way up the street. Along with his brother and this other fellow that I just met! Then we had stopped I don’t even remember why and was having bit of conversation about the whole thing. Then all of sudden I couldn’t see my bf and his brother left me and walked away. ( thinking back now I know I should of fallowed but I didn’t) he never asked me to so I did feel awkward. Then I sit on the wall thinking what the hell to do next. I had no credit and the fellow i just met had none either and also said he had no money. So I said right come on we may get a taxi. Saying that I will pay for it. I persume in lived close to my bf house and i was just going to go there and wait for my bf to come home. But as we walked down to the taxi place some people started to shout oh look at the lovely couple..and I was just shocked and kind of froze. and just kept walking. but then he turned around to me and siad lets pretend were a couple…I ignored this comment. and siad quickly shit I have to go to the bank machine” and as we had to walk back to the bank machine I met my boyfriend and we all got taxi back together to my bf place. Even at this time I never felt weird I was drinking with them just having the craic. 2 other fellows joined us too. But then the next day is when all it came to me, I should of been fallowing my boyfriend, I shouldn’t of offered to pay his taxi. I was just being nice. But now my head is telling me all sorts, that I don’t deserve my bf, that I obviously wanted to cheat, I have lye in bed for 4 days now not even getting up to brush my hair. This is what I want to let go of..I should not feel this bad but I do.
I left my ex for another girl my ex and i were together for a long time. I regret leaving her. I know i hurt her so bad. I went back for forgiveness after months past of my karma. She wont forgive me and i get that. But it just hurts so much that i hurt her so bad and i cant do anything to fix it but i dislike myself for doing that stupid mistake i shouldnt have let a good girl like that go
Never give up on the one you truly love. If she truly love you also, she will give you another chance and second chances are something that should be taken extreme advantage of. Remember that what is meant to be, will always find its way back.