How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I had a one night stand with a guy I met that night. We did some really freaky things that I wouldn’t have done sober. On top of that one of his friends joined the foreplay and touched my breasts. I’ve kissed two of this friends before as well and they were there that night. All of this happened while drunk and I regret it all :/ I don’t know how to let this go and move past it. My bf and I were going thru some rough patches when these things happened. I told him about it and he forgave me but I can’t seem to let it go. I keep calling myself a slut :/ will I be able to let this go? Someone help me. I’m going to therapy now to work thru this. I just feel cheap and that they’ll talk about me now. I was so new and naive to this “hookup culture” and made some poor decisions that I can’t take back. How do I see them as just that and no slut shame myself? Please help me
I was sexually abused when I was 9 and emotionally abused for as long as I can remember, my Mom & Dad didn’t know any better so I can’t “blame” them anymore for my rage, anger and hostility. Another thing is that I am 47 now will be 48 in August. Time to move on already. Last year I was diagnosed with Bipolar I in the hospital, now I am just ( Just ) Bipolar II or hypomanic. I take Lithium and Trileptal. Anyway my real disorder is that I learned to abuse myself b/c that’s all I knew. Because my Mom & Dad divorced in 1977. I sought out emotionally unavailable men over & over to give me the “love” I really never had. I even had 4 abortions to prove to these 2 men ( I had one with Scott and 3 with Jamie ) to prove I wasn’t trying to “trap” them. What an idiot I was, I might as well smash my head against the wall repeatedly until I bleed. See what I mean about abusing myself? And this was 22-25 years ago. ( The abortions ) Scott is now married and Jamie is divorced with 4 children( ha ha ) yeah I’ve forgiven him. I am CURRENTLY living with my Mom to save $$, working at a movie theater, even though I have a Bachelor’s degree and so pissed off I can’t see straight. I am also divorced with no children ( & 4 abortions under my belt ) I’ve never felt so much anger in my entire life. I was never allowed to express it. I’m like the guy in the DaVinci code who physically hurts himself only I do it more emotionally. Funny I’m not that angry at Scott and his was the first baby I killed. I’m a little pissed at him for being “happily” married to someone else but at least he apologized via mutual friend of ours via FB. Well I guess he’s still a pussy. I am so tired I want this to end. Please God, anyone, Joi HELP! I want to get off this emotional merry go round or do I?. Thanks for letting me vent. It’s all I want to do. Thank God I have a therapy appt. Thursday. New therapist. YAY! I see a small light at the end of this excrutiating tunnel. Thank you.
I’m sorry. Be strong. You can do it.
Not feeling guilty when I have upset someone, when in fact it was there altered interpretation. That my voicing a family concern is in my right as much the next persons in the family. Not feel guilty and bad when other people in my life are unhappy dad, Z and S. I can’t feel everyone’s feelings but my own!