How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I want to let go of all the pain and regrets that I kept in my heart , mind for a very long time . Iv been carrying a bag of low-self esteem problems because of certain past relationships that made me feel I wasn’t good enough or worth it . I want to forgive myself for letting me go through all those storms of trying to please people by living some else life . For not appreciating the talents and gifts that I have in me , for letting guys use me anyhow and letting them define me eventhou I knew that greater potential lied within me . I wana forgive myself for looking down on me and forgetting that the is only one me , no one can live my life for me but my self . I have a son who is 7months , I dont know who his father is between two guys iv slept with . I cried everyday becaus I needed to be loved through the process , I wanted closure of who I was . Here I am carrying another life , how was I suppose to love him without even having self love ? Who am I to be a great mother towards him , fuuny enough both guys never deserved me . I come from a wealthy family that is very loving , both guys used to make me steal from my family . I allowed to be used by them because of self esteem . When I was 8months I took a decision for my son and me abd that was to start over , through it all iv learnt to love him because he deserves to be loved and well taken care of , I had to learn to be emotionally independent and do things on my own . Yes , I still have to do the paternity test to know his daddy, which won’t b a problem . But now I really have to forgive myself for everything iv put myself through because of low-self esteem . I’m a girl with many talents , 22years doing my second year in psychology. I want to have a new beginning, finally Stan alone and let my mess be a miracle to other people . There is power in letting go , loving and forgiving yourself . I pray that eventually I let go of every hurt and start loving me and be confident in who I am . Gods light shines brighter in cracked pots
i cheated in thean of my dreams. I was married for 13 years to the devil and was rescued by the love of my life. 7 yeas and 3 years into our relationship I had an affair. Never ever would I have thought I would do such a thing and with somebe I don’t even like. I know I have broken my husband hopefully not beyond prepare. It’s been almost 4 years since the affair, but it comes back full force every so often. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to live without home but i fucked up so badly.
I stole money from my employer. Of course I was let go but I feel such shame and embarrassment. I really loved the people I worked with – now those relationships are gone. This has been the worst thing I have ever done and I cannot seem to forgive myself.