How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I want to let go of a past relationship and boyfriend who I dated for 6 months. We spent time at his apartment praying together, eating dinner, sharing music, singing, and playing music together. He shared his kiteboarding hobbies with me in the winter and the spring. I shared my interest in dressing up and going out dancing on Halloween. We both shared our love of food, and meeting new people and alot of his new friends. I shared my day to day activities at work, my pre-occupations with achieving a full time position as a teacher and my relationships with some of my siblings. He shared his stories about his parents, his siblings jouneys, his own journey in a significant past relationship, also his work as a dentist, his friends from long ago, and new friends he had met through the church as a new Christian. I played music at his church, I went to his friend’s house, I met his parents a couple of times, and I encouraged him to make our relationship called something. I picked up his suffering, even when I had trouble holding my own. I started meditating to help with my own stress and suffering which may have just came from me being a slightly more high energy person. I tried to find ways to help myself understand what to do about this relationship that presented as a man with a lot of debt, not working full time, disenchanted with his position, my own religious up-bringing and trying to understand how I felt about it amongst my growing faith in the Christian faith, I also was not sure i was ready to be lead by a man about 10 years older than me and ready to have a family and settle down. I was not ready I was not ready. I am now 3 years older…I have a full time position just last year, but that is not the kicker,..I was baptized Christian last year, but that does not stop my aching desire to be with someone someone for real in a relationship I can trust. I know how to live on my own, and though I am just now learning how much I need God’s love and presence in my life as the person I am, I can’t help but feel the suffering of women who maybe have lost the opportunity for a good relationshiop, and men for that matter as well, souls desiring for something, of union, companionship. I still have my voice, I teach voice and choir as a matter of fact. I have a lot of friends who are sensible and spirit filled and faithful. I have been able to witness one beautiful wedding and travel which was never an issue with this past person as he traveled independent from me as well on his God lead trips. So when can I stop tallying up my accomplishments and say I am ready now ready now to meet the person that I will love? When God knows its the right time, and when I am open and ready and willing putting the trust in his hands.. Because I do not know and I will never know without his guidance and direction. But I do know I feel more ready somewhat less afraid, and with someone else and God to do it with, who can be against us?
I love you God
Bring him to me.
In Jesus name.
I want to let go of the past and forgive myself for hurting someone who meant a lot to me and now doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’m sorry for the pain that I caused and I wish I could take it back but I can’t change the past. I hope God gives me enough strength to move on because the guilt has been eating Me alive. I pray for forgiveness all the time and I know I’m too hard on myself. I have an unrealistic view where I should be perfect. But hurting people happens and this pain is one of the biggest lessons in life. I’m allowing myself to learn from it.
In india there is no traffic sense including me sometimes………. I have travelled to many countries and know how good the traffice sense should be. I generally follow all the rules of road.
I regret from my heart for road rage which i had sometimeback. I was on two wheeler on a straight road and a car fellow took wrong turn & was speeding in a wrong manner from after a sharp cut. I literally stopped him by speeding my two wheeler. It was a small spat of staring and shouting but later on i realized, i could have let him go the way he was going though he was wrong. I feel sorry for stopping him unecessarily and showing my anger. I feel that wahtever argument we had must have disturbed him for a day or he might have struck someone else in anger, although this just a feeling of unknown. I am sorry for this…………
The feeling of this misbehaviour i am regretting from my heart. There has been many instances like it with me because most of the time i think that others are wrong but later on i realize let it be the way these guys are going.
I regret from bottom of my heart and promise to myself for not getting indulged in any road rage anymore……………