How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I cheated on my wife at a bachelor party. I was intoxicated and made a huge mistake. I told my wife about the cheating and she has forgiven me but I am having a hard time forgiving myself. I love my wife so much and would never cheat on her clear minded. I don’t know why or how I cheated on her but I did and I feel terrible. I want to move on and continue a happy life with her
I know this might sounds stupid, but I went to a concert with a friend and her friends and we had a little too much to drink before the concert. Getting Into the concert was no problem but once we got in there we all had to pee but the line was so long we decided it would be a good idea to pee on the grass. To my luck I was the one that was being escorted by security outside of the concert and I was so embarrassed. I am not that person. I don’t do stupid things like that and I don’t get kicked out of places. I know it’s something as stupid as that, but i guess I just let myself down for falling to that level. For some reason every time I think of that artist and that venue I get a pit in my stomach and thing of how badly I embarrassed myself and how much I wish I could go back and think through what I was doing. To some, probably a lot of people, my situation seems like a stupid college thing to do, which it was, but to me, it was the first time I felt like I had done something horrible and something that made people thing less of me. Anyway thanks for listening
I am not in a good place at all. I’ve always known my boyfriend of 1year had 2 young daughters from another woman, but they weren’t able to come around..I was okay with that, my boyfriend not so much. His daughters and “the baby mama” were living in a hotel. My boyfriend and I had a small studio apartment together, so “the baby mama” asked if they could stay with us, of course, trying to be a good girlfriend..I said sure. But, after 2 weeks of paying for winter clothes, extra food costs, the whining, and driving to the opposite side of town almost everyday for the girls school. My boyfriends hourly rate hardly covers his half the rent, so I paid everything out of pocket. I, unfortunely, became resentful for the money issue. We never had any “alone time” either in a studio apartment. So, I kicked all three out and they are staying the grandmas. I just feel guilty and selfish.
My mohter just passed away on Dec. 19th after 2 years fighting with cancer, I was there by her bedside on her last breath. I saw her body weight go from 160 lbs. to 50 lbs. She was so strong even walking to use the bathroom up until her last week. The cancer was considered everywhere one of her breast, larvax, side of neck, stomach, and growing towards her brain. She was enable to eat, drink, or talk for 2 months before her passing. I was there every morning to take care of her then went to work at night when my Dad got home from his job. I miss her greatly and she was the one that usually consulted me. She was a great, caring, loving mother and person. My mom was kind and gentle. My heart eats away everytime I think of her.
In order, to pay my boyfriends brats (daughters) things I couldn’t miss any work so I only called into work on the day she passed. I went to work the next day.
Not only that, like that wasn’t enough .. I had an affair twice with two different men when I was married in 2013. It ruined my marriage, of course. Till this day I have no explaination I started and kept cheating