How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
Dragging my ex parner in to debt
Acting selfishly
Being vain
Letting people down
I want to let go of hurting my friends feeling. I want to let go lying to people. I want to let go of my family hurt and pain. I want to let go drama, I want to let go of my self hatred towards myself.
I hate everything about myself. I constantly lie. I lie to my wife, my friends, my parents, my loved ones….even about simple little things. I’ll tell someone one thing to their face and turn around and say the opposite to another. I subconsciously – and consciously at times, usually after the fact – want everyone to think I’m their cool confidant and I get them. I really hate myself for this. I’m a fraud. A phony. You think that’s fixable? I’ve cheated on my poor sweet wife with prostitutes, random women I’ve met, women online, online, etc. Thank God both of us have never contracted a disease (we’ve both been checked numerous times). She is a salt of the earth human being. It makes me cry inside when I hear her tell people what a good person I am. I suck. I’m the worst kind of disgusting rotten crap there is. I curse in front of my kids. I’m always walking around with a chip on my shoulder. I’m always criticizing anything anyone does because it makes me feel better for 10 brief seconds in my otherwise vile disgusting garbage life. I pray and pray and pray for help and forgiveness, and when I pray and tell God about the horrible things I’ve done, I basically tell Him that I realize there’s not really any hope for someone like me. I almost always do what’s best for me. Except with my children, whom when I’m with them, I love so much that it almost makes me cry every time I’m with them. My angels. Crying as I type this. I am always addicted to “something.” I’ll go through phases where I drink heavily. Then I slow down, and stop. Then it’s various meds. Slows down, stops. Then it’s porn. Or online chats. Always seems to be something. When I pray, I pray to God that “God, I wish YOU were my addiction…my high.” I have met with various churches, ministers. Told them. Met with therapists. I’ve admitted what a piece of garbage I am. I just cannot see how I can forgive myself for anything I’ve done. I go through the motions, leading this phony life where I punish myself, I’m not good enough to die (too easy of a way out, plus it’s against my religion. I do also know the pain it would cause my family and I’m at least not enough of a piece of trash to put them through that). But I’m not good enough to truly live and be happy. What’s done is done. It’s like I’ve fallen so deep in a pit and I have a rope only half the size of the pit to climb out. I basically just hate myself. I hate myself for using people. For being a lazy scumbag. For being a cheater. For being a user of people who have been nothing but great to me, and for just being an angry, critical, miserable person. I expect zero forgiveness, and I can’t give myself any. The only time I’m human is right now, writing this, and, when I’m with my beautiful children who are so sweet, innocent, and unworthy to have such a rotten scumbag parent in their life. My punishment continues….my punishment is my life now. I’m tired and weak. Why was I brought here? I do nothing good for anyone or anything. I just want to say I’m sorry, right here. I’m sorry, and if nobody ever sees it or knows it, this site does. And I can’t ever, ever tell my wife about what I’ve done by the way. She has a medical condition that, if she knew, it would literally kill her, or she’d attempt to kill herself. And that is not a lie. Time to go. Please feel free to shred me and rip me apart for the garbage I am.