How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I don’t want to make my dad cry again.
I was with my husband, mother-in-law and we were getting my hair cut. I was not ready for my long hair to be cut just yet. I told my husband before I went in there that I did not want my hair colored. Right when we walked in their, my mother-in-law and the lady started to talk about my hair getting colored. Now the problem was that they were speaking Spanish and I had no idea what they were saying. It felt as if they were betting on my hair and what to do with it without my permission. Trying to give me a new style/look for the new year. Now everyone knows I do not do well with change unless I bring it upon myself. So i somehow got them to just cut off my dead ends. But during the hair cutting they were still talking and touching my hair. They wanted to dye my hair, I admit I pointed out hair colors I liked but I didn’t want to color my hair which they didn’t understand. Now with Hispanic culture it is rude to say no and I constantly get that from my mother-in-law, but the thing is that the stuff she tries to give me, I just don’t like. I am not like her and she doesn’t understand that. I don’t like to take things from people. Now continuing, I got my hair washed, without anyone actually telling me, hey lets wash your hair. Just said come here in Spanish. Which I was totally lost at. I felt as I was being dragged around without knowing where to go next. My husband kept asking me what’s wrong but I couldn’t tell him my feelings because it would just go up the line and I would of hurt someone’s feelings. It would be like a perfect round rock rolling down a hill at that point. So I sat through it getting my hair washed then just pointed at where I needed to go. She started to cut my hair and it was the weirdest way I have seen someone cut my hair. My hairdresser didn’t even speak my language and didn’t even talk to me. She just talked to my mother-in-law and god only knows about what. I was getting extremely sad because my favorite part of my hair was getting cut off. I just sat there and started to get mad because I still had no idea what was going on. Then I stood up and they were like okay go there, and I just stood there and my husband asked what was wrong and I said nothing and he told me to tell him and I said I didn’t want my hair colored. Well by then they still brought me to the back room and washed my hair out with the product they left in. I had no idea there was product that needed to be washed out of my hair. So by then after that I go back to the front and I thought at this point I was maybe going to get my hair dryer by a hair dryer but nope. They started to roll my hair up in rolling thingys. I am not a girly girl so this is foreign to me. My husband eventually makes the comment “I like your mohawk” I said “thanks” and that was it. Then they get everything done and I hear my mother-in-law and the hair lady say take a photo in spanish and my husband picks up his phone and says “say chesse” and I try to snatch his phone away from him and I miss. I start to hit him on his arm and the dog starts barking and I stop a couple seconds later. I sit down and the big hair dryer thing goes over my head. I can hear my mother-in-law complaining about my and I can tell my husband is whatever about it. I just hate it because whenever I am around my mother-in-law. I always end up blowing up somehow because her just being around drives me crazy. So I take off the hair dryer thingy and somewhat control my breathing. All I can think is, what the hell have I done. And I immediately hate myself for it because I will never hear the end of it from her. After I took off the thing early my mother-in-law says put it back on, its not done. I said no, it is burning my head. Then after sitting there what feels like 5 minutes she said I can take off the rollers. Thinking that someone would come help me, no one did. Then the hair dresser finally did, I have no hard feelings towards her at all. It is my mother-in-law and my husband I wish that could of helped me. But finally all of it gets out and hoping I would finally be able to leave I have to sit back in the chair and she then blow dries my hair and straighten it, when all I want to do is get the fuck out of that place and hide in a cave. By then I started to get dizzy and I looked at my husband and said I need food. He knows when I am saying something that has meaning and he goes and gets me food. I feel extremely uncomfortable at this point that I know I need to cry. I am finally finished with my hair and I wait for my husband to come back from getting me food. I finally see him pull in and I meet him outside. I instantly give him a hug and start crying. I apologize and he says he forgives me. I can not forgive myself. I think of other ways I could of gotten out of that position without hurting him. His mother wanted him to hit me back and he said if I hit his face he would of. Which makes me kind of scared. I don’t condone violence and I know I was in the wrong in that position. I feel that I should of been communicated to more so I know what was going on. I feel he should of known when to pull me out. I feel his mother should be less of a “managing boss” and not make him her minion. I feel he is afraid to stand up to his mother because he is scared of violence. I feel constantly ridiculed by his mother most likely because she is probably jealous. I am not saying if that is fact or not just because I don’t know. I feel instead of punching him I should of just crawled into his arms and nuzzled his neck. I feel I should of some how communicated to him I wanted out but at the same time, I wish he knew what I felt at that time and helped me. I just want myself to forgive me. I can’t seem to do that. I try to talk to my husband but then he tries to switch it up. It is my fault I dont know spanish. It is not his mother’s fault because she doesn’t know english in a primary english speaking country. When he knows it would benefit her in the long run. I like/love at this point the spanish speakers that say it is rude to speak spanish in front of someone that doesnt know spanish. It was not my fault I didn’t grow up in a english speaking home. I have taken spanish classes before and passed with flying colors but guess what, if I don’t use it, I lose it. That simple. I want to go away from all communication but I want my husband only. I want to forgive myself and the only way is if my husband tells me I wish I could have done what you said. I wont put you in that situation again. I want him to understand what it is like to not know something that is going around you. He sat there and listened to the conversation at the hair dressers and understood what was going on, I felt like a lost dog being told where to go and having my favorite pieces of hair cut off me. I want him to say he will try to move forward and not let situations like that happen again then I can say I will try my best to be less angry in situations like that. Shit happens, I know that. Let it go and move on.
Ace, it’s OK. There is no shame in that. You were exploring and so was he. It doesn’t mean anything. Maybe you’re gay and maybe you’re not. Either way, you’re OK.