How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I met a really great girl unexpectedly. She was very nice to me, very open and very accepting. And I let go of her. We spent a spring and summer together. It was so nice. I hadn’t connected with someone like that in a long time. Again, meeting her was totally unexpected. I just happened to peek my head into a classroom she was in and helped her with learning a new skill. I didn’t hit on her. We just had a lot of fun learning this skill. And she liked me. She was starting school this fall. I work for the school and for the company through which she’s doing her internships. We decided we couldn’t risk either of us compromising our positions with either the school or company and we ended our relationship. I am beyond full of regret and despair that I didn’t try harder to make us work, that I didn’t make a better effort. That I didn’t communicate that I liked her, felt a connection with her and that any plan that would end our relationship was a plan that would work only if it was the only plan to do. That I wouldn’t like or want to lose her. I feel like I abandoned her right when she was beginning a tough course. I just let her go. I was not my own man, I was not a leader. I just said what I though she wanted to hear… she was so independent, so strong. She called me a few weeks after. We had a great talk. She sobbed about how much she missed me. I told her I missed her as well. She won’t talk with me anymore. I have reached out. I know she’s in school. I know she’s got so much on her plate. I know I abandoned her. I hate myself for letting her go without a fight, without any effort. Just gone.
I broke up with Brian 3 years ago because I was too much of a coward to tell him I had cheated on him. I had to break up with him over the phone because I was out of state at the time. It was the worst day of my life and the worst thing I’ve ever done. We were kinda-friends at first but he eventually stopped talking to me and I was devastated. I am still haunted by it, even though I’m sure he has moved on by now. I never thought I was even capable of cheating on anyone, so I put myself in a stupid situation and apparently found my breaking point. He was the only person I’d ever cheated on, and the only one who didn’t deserve it in the slightest. He was my best friend and letting him go was the beginning of the end of my life. Ever since then, I’ve had a few disasterous relationships with complete assholes and a bunch of one-night stands or fwb-arrangements, mostly with people I’m not even attracted to. I have become extremely depressed and cut most family and all friends out of my life because I am too exhausted to deal with people. I feel like I am already dead. I need to find a way to forgive myself for screwing up my entire life.
I would like to let go of all of the stupid things I have done while being drunk…there are A LOT of them. It has gotten so bad that my partner has essentially given me an ultimatum: I quit drinking or she leaves with the kids. I understand that letting go is essential to the process of quitting drinking, but it also feels good to write this out.