How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
I had an affair and it tears me apart every day im ashamed of my self for what i have done , i feel i have let my family down if they knew they would disown me ,im not a bad person just done something very stupid that if any one found out could hurt so many people . I dont have any friends that i can talk to or a partner that i can share things with and i cant talk to
my family as it happened with in the family circle . I just find it harder every day.
That I lied,cheated,and betrayed my boyfriend. At the time we both were in a bad place and didn’t have the intention of hurting him.now I hate myself and it’s keeping things from repairing.help me let it go
I had a similar experience growing up and I didn’t tell the girl I had feelings for her until it was too late, so my advice is to let her know how you feel privately, and if she feels the same way then ask her if she would be you’re girlfriend. The worst she can say is no. If she has a strong emotional response that seems negative but not a definitive no it may mean she has feelings for you but isn’t ready to be you’re girlfriend ( some say the opposite of love isn’t hate it’s indifference ). In that case though, be patient and persistent but not annoyingly persistent because that could turn her off and seem like harassment. If you really love her don’t give up on her easily and she’ll notice that and respect you for it, and if she really loves you she’ll find a way to be with you. And forget about what other ppl think you’re the one that has to live you’re life not them. I know from experience that you’re more likely to regret not taking the risk. Most of the people you know in school, event most of your friends, probably won’t be part of you’re adult life, but love is a powerful force and if two people really love each other that relationship can last a life time. There are such things as soul mates, which isn’t strict to romantic relationships, and also twin flames which is theoretically one soul split into two incarnations, don’t get too hung up on that, I’m just saying sometimes there’s a reason we feel compelled to be with a certain person, sometimes we love someone because were supposed to love each other. I’m not sure what else to tell you really. Maybe listen to the great escape by boys like girls, it can give a sense of hope for relationships like that, hope that if you endure with each other you can eventually transcend other peoples opinions of you two being together, and if you like the song or have another you like casually listen to it with her, be yourself always and encourage her to be the best version of herself and don’t be afraid to be romantic. Young love is a beautiful thing. P.s. In the case that she isn’t interested don’t be sad or upset, and don’t rush into another relationship with some one you don’t really like, you’re young and there are plenty of fish I’m the sea, so in such a case wait off someone else you really feel for to come along. I hope the best for you, good luck.