How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
okay so over the weekend i became seriously drunk with my close friends, one of which is an ex boyfriend who won’t stop being flirty with me. That night he kept pushing it, and it felt pressured to not say no, and make things awkward. We kissed, and before things developed, i stopped it. I am currently in a relationship with a guy i’m conviced is my soul mate. i love him more than anything, and the fact that i kissed another guy disgusts me deep inside. i felt nothing behind the kiss other than intoxication, not thinking straight, and pressure. now all i feel is regret for what has occurred, and shame. i wish it had never happened, and i can’t stop it from eating me away, i want to forget it and focus back to the love of my life… telling him isn’t an option as he strongly dislikes my ex, and will react badly, possibly with violence, which i don’t want happening. help.
My regret of letting a man in my life that destroyed 5 years of my life and by being afraid of his abuse and pressuring me to get abortion I gave in to him today he is out of my life but I can’t forgive my self for letting go of my little angel for him my deepest regret and how sorry I’m for this but being put down every day and loose your self esteem can’t do wonders to when we get to know what’s right what’s wrong today I know but it’s to late hope I can forgive my self for this some day but not yet
Two years ago I wrote an anonymous note to my daughter’s best friend’s parents warning them that she was getting involved in some serious alcohol and drug use (not the usual teenage experimentation, it was at a level that was attracting the attention of many parents and two of her peers had gone to her counselor with worries that she had a drug problem). The letter was so spur of the moment and stupid. It did not trash the girl (I was extremely fond of her and she spent a lot of time in our home, with my daughter,etc), it was more of a “this is what is going on” letter. I can’t put my head back into the mindset of the moment when I sent it but I think I just wanted them to pay more attention to the warning signs so that she did not sink further.
Three days after they received it I told them that I had sent it. I was consumed by guilt and shame over a) how cowardly it was to send an anonymous note and b) how I probably frightened (and made paranoid) my daughter’s friend who assumed that another student had written it. I was made aware that she was certain that another friend had written it and that motivated me to confess to the parents. High school is brutal enough for girls on a good day, much less for a girl who is wrongly accused of writing an anonymous letter.
I have tried several times to apologize and the girls’ mother will not speak to me, much less forgive me.
I have had a couple of years to reflect on why I did it and why she will not forgive me. I know that part of the reason I felt I could not speak to her directly (other than the fact that I was afraid that my daughter would pay a social price, which happened anyway) was that I would see her get very angry at people for even small slights and would retaliate by cutting off communication with them (writing them angry letters, unfriending them on Facebook, speaking disparagingly of their daughters, etc). I am not defending what I did, it is indefensible, but I have tried to find some reason why I – a pretty direct person – chose such a slimy route.
It has been a long time since this happened but the guilt and shame feel as acute as when it happened. I tried to somewhat comfort myself but telling me that my intentions were to prevent this girl from being further harmed (both physically and by reputation) but that doesn’t really make any difference. It was NONE of my business. Anonymous letters are cowardly and shameful, if someone has something to say and can’t stand behind it then they should not say it. By indicating that their daughter was engaging in risky behavior without their knowledge, I was criticizing their parenting which would be hurtful to any parent. I now wonder if the girl’s mother thought that my daughter was the person who told me things (she did not – nor would she ever, she loved this friend and she is a typical teenager who guards her social life) and that made her hate my daughter.
The only tiny, possible good thing to come out of this is that my daughter has seen first hand how painful it is to not be forgiven and it has given me the chance to reinforce to her that it is important to accept apologies, forgive and move on in life.
The (kind of) of funny thing is that if a friend came to me and told me that they had done this, I would absolutely tell them that they had to forgive themselves and to let it eat them up for years was crazy. But I cannot do this for myself.