How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I wish to let go my behavior after a fling I had with a man who basically slept with me, then never told me his feelings changed and wanted to remain friends. I felt used and taken advantage of. I told a bunch of people that I hated him which was very embarrassing. I tired to act like I didnt care but it was rather obvious that I was very angry. I know he knows I still care, and it bothers me I wish I didnt care. Why? Because I know he doesnt give a shit about me, and I wish I didnt give a shit about him.
Every day I wake up, I struggle to see the reason to get up. I’ve blown every opportunity I’ve ever been given or that I’ve worked for ether through self-destructive behaviour or simply not trying or caring enough. I’ve stolen from people, strangers and family I’ve hurt people physically and mentally, people close to me and total strangers. I resented the one person I care about most for leaving me, even though she had no choice I broke my father’s hart and believe I was the reason he became an alcoholic.
I’m sure there’s many more I’ve forgotten but I’m having trouble getting them out I’ve never spoken to anyone about any of this well at least not truthfully. All in all I never say how I’m feeling or talked about my feelings (this is kind of going to be all over the place so I’m sorry If it doesn’t make any sense)
I’m male, in my mid 20’s, unemployed and I smoke pot every day, I have anger issues ( I had them before I started smoking marijuana) and I can’t seem to be able to sleep much If I do it at like 3 or 4 in the morning if not then maybe not for a couple of days.
I’ve been smoking pot everyday for the last 2yrs maybe 3 I’m not sure it’s all kind of a blur but I don’t want to stop because when I do I can’t mind from constantly running and replying everything things I screwed up, thing that could have been and having to face myself It kind of acts like a blockade stopping the part of myself that wants to tear me apart, it keeps the anger issues at bay.
Anger issues I’ve had them for as long as I can remember.
The person I resented is my mother, I’m not upset with her anymore but I use to be. My mother died when I was young the only things I have that to remind me of her is stories I’ve heard from other people. I think I have one memory of her but to be honest I know that it’s a dream. I hated her at one point because I couldn’t understand why she left. I still don’t know how I came to that conclusion I know she didn’t want to die. Maybe it was because I felt cheated in some way or another my child hood memories are filled with jealousy of my friends I wanted desperately what they had with their mothers, it made me so angry and I dint know what to do with it
My regret of cheating on my girlfriend. I was so stupid to ever hurt her. She is the best thing in my life and I let her down so badly.