How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I have a longstanding problem with controlling anger. I was mean to a small child at a public place. I was not correct in the reason I was mean to him. I have no way of apologizing to the child. I reacted with rage towards something I perceived he did to me. He was not involved with the thing I thought he did. Many people were aware of my poor behavior. Many people were staring at me about what I said to him. The thing I am most mad at myself for is that this is a pattern. I am not learning from my past misteakes, because I continually do things like this. I have to take a Xanax if I know I’m going to be around people because I need something to help control my behavior. The majority of my outbursts are during PMS. As I approach menopause, I am petrified at this all becoming much worse with even less control. I feel terrible that I have to rely on medication to be around other humans. Medication only seems to take the edge off of things. My family deserves better. My husband deserves a nicer wife. My kids deserve a nicer mom. I have a public persona as a nice person. I am so embarassed of my behavior. No one else around me seems to be such a hot head – certainly not women. I rationalize my behavior to make myself feel better/justify my behavior. I cannot justify this latest incident that happened. I’m having trouble sleeping over this. I need to find a way to forgive myself for this. Shortly after this happened, I had an opportunity to cool down and apoligize to the child and his parent. I chose not to. I rationalized that my approaching them would be too embarassing and could potentially make the matter worse. I am just so sick of making the same mistakes over and over again. I want to change so much. I have chosen not to change, over and over. I feel like a terrible person. I have spoken to a close friend over this. Of course, when I spoke with her about it, I somewhat sugar coated my behavior to make my actions look more justified.
I had sex with a guy at 16 whom I did not love and did not want. It was out of marriage which is perhaps what bothers me most. I haven’t told anyone about it because I regret it so deeply and I don’t want anyone thinking ill of me. I didn’t want to do this but I wanted to make him happy. I can’t stand myself sometimes. It’s been about 9 months since this happened and I’m still feeling guilty. A few weeks after this happened I was raped. I started to not care what I did or what people did to me. I drank a lot. A LOT. To forget. My actions were not very becoming of who I want to be. I have anxiety because of the rape instance but I can more easily let that go because I know I had no choice in the matter. But the other..I had more of a choice in. I told him I didn’t want to but eventually caved because I knew he wanted it. I could have not done it though. It’s troubling that I am just now allowing myself to process everything. A lot of it I don’t even rebember. I just feel this overbearing guilt. I am now with a guy who so perfect. I have told him about the R word incident but not the other. He was very understanding about the rape issue but I’m not sure how he would react to the other. I am a completely different person now and I like who I have turned into but the weight of my past is really killing me. I need to tell my boyfriend because it’s the only way we can have an honest healthy and Godly relationship. We both hold our Christian values very highly. So I know I will have to tell him soon. I’m just afraid to. And I’m not sure how to process this guilt. I wish it had never happened. But I suppose I have to let it go.
Guilt for cheating in ending my marriage