How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
I made a very stupid mistake, one which I deeply regret. I was desperate at the time, which is no excuse. It was a stupid error in judgment.
About 8 months ago I was set up to win. My relationship with God, my son, and myself was so strong. I had 10,000 dollars just fall into my lap at the exact time I was planning the move from my aunt and uncles house with my son. We had everything we needed. Plus I had recently got a new job making more than I ever had before. At that job I met a man. I instantly got so wrapped up in him. As a young single mom of a boy, I was afraid to branch out on my own for the first time. My son was coming to an age that having a male influence counted. I thought this man was the answer. I ended up getting an apartment with him myself and my son. It was okay at first. But it did not take long before he started changing. He told me he used to be a pimp and wanted to go back to doing it for money. He did not want to pimp me but other women. When I protested his dark side came out and he hit me. Then he wanted me to become a stripper for money. When I said no he became more violent and hit me more. There were a few times he became violent. Also he wanted me to purchase a vehicle for the sake of his prestige. I put 4,000 of the 10,000 I saved into a down payment while he put nothing. Since he had no credit history I put it on my credit. I now had 16,000 auto loan on my credit. The payment and insurance together is very high. We were supposed to split everything down the middle. Also he would want to share “the car” and bring me to work (otherwise sometimes he would just take my key and leave) but then take me late or not at all. I ended up getting fired so no income coming in. He would lie and say he did not have any money to pay for things. I ended paying for everything and therefore spending the rest of my savings. His violence scared me. Although my son did not see him hit me he was uncomfortable around him. I left him finally but it was when I had nothing. My son and I were blessed with an apartment and made it so far but those bills are piling, I still have the burden of the auto loan and paying the payments and insurance by myself. This man that “loved me so much” won’t help. I feel so guilty because God had favored us so much but I blew it all by putting my faith in this man instead of God and now I am under so much stress to pay bills, etc, and it affects my kid as well because I am under a lot of stress. I try keeping positive. I know God will turn it around if I stay faithful. I have called the guy and told him i forgive him and wish him a blessed life. But it is still so difficult. I really do try forgiving myself but everyday I am stuck in this circumstance, although I work, school, internship, etc, and constantly search for even better opportunities. I have good days but since the circumstances are still what they are, it is hard for me to fully let go when I have a constant reminder.
About 8 months ago I was set up to win. My relationship with God, my son, and myself was so strong. I had 10,000 dollars just fall into my lap at the exact time I was planning the move from my aunt and uncles house with my son. We had everything we needed. Plus I had recently got a new job making more than I ever had before. At that job I met a man. I instantly got so wrapped up in him. As a young single mom of a boy, I was afraid to branch out on my own for the first time. My son was coming to an age that having a male influence counted. I thought this man was the answer. I ended up getting an apartment with him myself and my son. It was okay at first. But it did not take long before he started changing. He told me he used to be a pimp and wanted to go back to doing it for money. He did not want to pimp me but other women. When I protested his dark side came out and he hit me. Then he wanted me to become a stripper for money. When I said no he became more violent and hit me more. There were a few times he became violent. Also he wanted me to purchase a vehicle for the sake of his prestige. I put 4,000 of the 10,000 I saved into a down payment while he put nothing. Since he had no credit history I put it on my credit. I now had 16,000 auto loan on my credit. The payment and insurance together is very high. We were supposed to split everything down the middle. Also he would want to share “the car” and bring me to work (otherwise sometimes he would just take my key and leave) but then take me late or not at all. I ended up getting fired so no income coming in. He would lie and say he did not have any money to pay