How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
Hey. I was in a similar boat as you. I am sober now and as a sober woman who has been in your shoes, you need to walk away and hope that he does what’s best for himself. You can not help him be the man he is when he is not on drugs when you are not sober yourself. Furthermore, it is not your job to save him. If you are ready to get help for your addiction, just worry about yourself for now. He says awful things to you and does awful things to you. I am so sorry to hear that you have gone through that. What he is doing is not okay, you do not deserve it or have to put up with that kind of inappropriate behavior, and you are not in a position to be in a relationship with such an abusive person. You can do some research and pursue treatment, or you can start to get involved in a twelve step program. A twelve step program is what helped me. Drugs was my problem but I do AA. You might not take my advice right now, which I hope you do, but if you dont, please keep in mind that you deserve to get well and not be in an abusive relationship. The resources you need you get better will always be out there. Please take care of yourself. Love and Light.
I fell in love way too fast but I was so into this guy, he was my dream guy and the spark faded away. As soon as we began dating I had to leave for uni, we promised we’d wait for each other and I didnt I broke many promises. I lied, cheated, and strung him along, I could never tell him this because I knew if he knew the truth it would hurt him. We’re over now and I’m left with resentment. I know my actions where low and wrong, now I’m stuck with these feelings of shame and regret. I hope to learn from this and grow from it. I’m heartbroken but I guess I deserve this pain.
My husband started a business in 2001. we sank everything into it, including a big amount of money from his parents. He told me from the get go NO MORE DRUGS!! but about 2 years into it, I started using again, stealing money from his cash box, bank accounts, lying about the size of my paycheck, anything to keep getting high, he would flush them threaten my dealers he tried with all his might to get me to stop, eventually, being that he too is an addict he started using, that was it within a year we lost all and then some..he was unable to get his feet back from under. he had an affair with another addict and began gambling, he pawned EVERYTHING we owned including his wedding ring. He lied, abused me physically and emotionally for over a year…finally he wrecked the car and almost died after a week partying in vegas with her, since then if i ever ever try to bring up the affair or find reassurance that we will be ok he attacks me physically and verbally, bad..my ears bled from the inside after a particularly harsh beating, i have bruises everywhere, he tells me no one would care if i died, and then brings up all my past mistakes. he is in jail right now for possession of a firearm by a previously convicted felon, and possession of a controlled substance. I have been using drugs as well, should i walk away and try to get help while wishing him the best? or bail him out, and help him become the man he is without the methamphetamine?