How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I lied to the love of my life — my girlfriend, the woman I thought I was going to spend forever with. She asked me not to play around with drugs and I promised her I would never do it again after she caught me hiding it from her over 4th of July weekend. But after my friend’s wife died of an overdose later that month, I did do it again. And I hid it from her for months. She grew suspicious but was afraid to confront me about it. One morning after we’d made the most beautiful love in weeks, a morning so epic I will never forget it, we walked for coffee and went to the dry cleaners to pickup the comforter. She tried to put cash in my wallet after I paid the bill and found dope; I was caught, redhanded. She tried to give me a second chance but I noticed over the ensuing weeks she wouldn’t look me in the face. I had betrayed her trust. She took me to the Hollywood Bowl for my birthday and barely spoke to me the entire night, giving me a birthday card that warned of the coming execution. But I didn’t recognize what was happening…the day after my birthday, she called me around dinner to tell me it was over. Cold. Emotionless. Callous. Heartless. My things were in a bag on the porch. She said nothing. No hug, no kiss goodbye. No wishing me all the best or good luck. She locked the door behind her and never spoke to me again. Two months later I asked her if she’d see me just for a moment to give me a chance to tell her how sorry I am and to just hold her again for a moment because I’ve been so ashamed that I cannot seem to move on and forgive myself for losing the only woman to ever really love me — the woman I waited a lifetime for. But she refused. I have lost her completely. She said she won’t see me because she is dating someone else and it wouldn’t be fair to them. She said “Maybe there will come a time in the future we can talk, but I’m not sure this is the right time. Try to trust that this surge of emotion and pain you are feeling will pass in time. You’re strong and will get through this, but I’m not the person to help you now.” But what she doesn’t realize is that even when the pain has gone away, I will still love her like I’ve never loved anyone before. I wasn’t ready for her. I have so much growing to do. And I am filled with so much regret that I will NEVER be able to get over losing her. Some mistakes you never stop paying for. So how can I let go when all I want is hope that someday she will let me see her and show her I can be trusted? How can I show her I have learned my lesson if she won’t see me? She has moved on, to a new relationship, and she did it INSTANTLY! Within days of leaving me…and yet she still said to me that “I didn’t want to break up, but your actions forced me to.” I have no idea where I stand. I have no idea what to even consider a “realistic” expectation! Is there NO hope? A glimmer of hope? Will she ever be able to forgive me? I’ve never been so utterly lost…and although she is sorry I’m struggling right now, she will not see me or help me. She is happier without me. And the hurt is unbearable! We were so in love…WHAT HAVE I DONE?!! I have shattered my life and the only chance I ever had at true happiness into a million little pieces….my god, what have I done?
Stealing friends and family,mum,step dad,lying ,masterbating,oral ,falling in love someone who stole and broke my heart ,bad friends,talking behind people back ,bitching,slyness,regrets,bad memories everything terrible I have done and have happened in my life ,addictions ,lust
Regrets,talking behind people back making my mum cry and feel like I don’t love her when I do ,to forget all the bad things ,stealing phone from class mate,lying everything bad I have done oral sex,lust everything falling in love with someone who stole and broke my heart bad friends step dad