How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I have severely hurt and betrayed one of my best friends. I am 16 and she has been my beat friend since we were very young. she was always there for me, always complimenting me, always texting me words of encouragement. She fell in love with a boy 2 years ago. he is 2 years older than us. they dated for 2 years and recently broke up last winter. she was heartbroken and cried about it to be often. she loved him so much and couldn’t figure out how to normally live life without the boy she was with for 2 years. Last April, I was at a party and this boy showed up. we got drunk and started talking and flirting a little bit. before I knew it we kissed. nothing else happened that night and I tried to forget about it because it was my best friends ex boyfriend. later that week we started texting and before I knew it I started growing emotionally attached to him. a couple weeks later we had sex. and then it turned into 2 times, then 3 times, then 4 times, then before I knew it I was fully engaged in a secret relationship behind my best friends and everyone’s back. nobody knew about it except me and him. it got so bad that I would spend the night at her house and leave the next morning to go have sex with him. the whole time I was soon it I felt terrible, knowing that if she ever found out she would be beyond devastated. this carried on for 3 whole months until early July. someone had found out about our secret relationship and told her. she was beyond upset and told me to never talk or acknowledge her again. she was in love with him and I was having sex with him behind her back for 3 months. this was totally unlike me because I am always the friend that is loyal and turkey values all of my friendships. I am in love with this boy and we have been together for 7 months. he makes me happier than anything I’ve ever known. he is the male version of me and I don’t know what I would do without him. yet I am still haunted every day over having emotionally torn apart my best friend over something so spiteful. she trusted me with everything and her every feeling about him, and I would listen to her vent her heart out to me while I was making plans on having sex with him that night. I was so overcome with lust that I didn’t realize the true consequences of my actions. I’ve tried to make amends a couple times but she wants nothing to do with me and views me as the shittiest person that she’s ever had the displeasure if knowing. it eats away at me every day knowing I was capable if hurting someone so deeply. I try to get over it but it hurts every time I pass her in the hallways and she doesn’t even look my way. I am nothing to her now. I love him, but I shouldn’t have engaged in a secret relationship with him behind her back for so long. everybody claims that we will never be friends again but I still have this deep down feeling that one day she will find it in her heart to forgive me of the awful thing I’ve done to her and we can share laughs and sing to our favorite song on the radio again. I know I am more than what I did, I was blinded by lust and trying to do what makes me happy. I am still in a relationship with this boy and I plan on being with him for as long as possible, but I am trying to find acceptance for the awful thing I did. I just want to not wake up every day in the morning feeling sick to my stomach because me best friend 100% believes I am a piece of shit. it kills me inside and I just want to be truly happy and forgive myself.
I once was in i tough time with myself and i made a friend online. I liked to joke around and fake my gender but. Once i found he was a pretty cool guy and i actually wanted to be his friend but wished i didn’t have to fake my age or gender. The relationship went too far by the time i could have told him and i didn’t know what to do. He was a really good friend and upset me that i had to act like this to keep him as a friend. Making all these accounts and faking my age and gender and name. Until it got serious and i had to pull the plug on it. I did this for 2 years straight and i feel like i wasted 2 years of my life being someone i was not. I could never forget or forgive myself for the damage i did to him and myself. I wish i could just go back in time and changed the mistake i made that wasted 2 years of my life and someone else’s life and tricked his feelings and trust for others all because of me. At first it was a game and then it turned into a friendship i dreaded the end of and wish never began.
i almost had sex with a married man who cheats.we were friends but after the make out i feel awful and i cant forgive myself for letting that happen. i am scared the relationship between him and me will be awkward because he hosts me in his house