How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I fell in love with my bestfriend from day one. I met him 4 months ago. After we started working together I was his ride to work every single day. He told me he was Bi and I told some people and lied to him for to weeks, the first two weeks of our friendship. But he let that go. Then as our friendship progressed, I fell madly in love with him. He told me he couldn’t date guys. He likes girls to much. Mind you he has slept with men before he just lived in a homophobic environment. He never slept with me becuase he saw how much I loved him plus he saw that all I wanted was sex which was not entirely true granted there was a strong sexual desire, I cared more about him as a person than that. Moving on, I left my parents house to move in with him and his dad blindly following my heart holding on to the thought that one day he was gonna fall in love with me and we would be together forever. I got really depressed there for a little bit and he had to deal with that plus his own problems. I used to think he didn’t care but it was because it was alwways somthing new with me. everytime he snapchated a girl I got jealous. He couldn’t have a girlfriend the first two months I lived there. When I first moved in he let me sleep in his bed with him (nothing sexual) just because the couch was very uncomfortable, every so often we cuddled as humans do. but one night in my sleep I through my arm other him ( he was laying with his back to me on his side) and my hand touched his genitals. He woke up as soon as it touched I was sound asleep but I did wake up after god knows how long realized where my hand was moved it promptly and rolled over. That was the first time he lost trust in me. Fast forward some weeks, I went to a mental hospital for self harm. When I got out things where alot better. He got a girl friend I was ok with it. We were both kinda happy and blissful. Then four nights ago we lay down to go to bed and after he fell asleep I touched and groped his rear end for 30 min striaght. I knew it was wrong and it brought me no enjoyment I don’t know why I did it. That morning we got up he didn’t say two words to me what so ever. later that day I got a snapchat message Stating that he was awake the whole time and it better not happen again ever. So I packed my things and moved out. I already had been crying for 5 hours now. he got home from work and walked in got dressed and went to hang with his girlfriend. I left in tears. then I went back later that night to talk to him in person and I will never forget what he told me. He lost all respect for me whatsoever and can never trust me again even if we become friends again at some point I will never be a trusted friend or a brother to him ever again. He said he has no sympathy for me being the second time which drew him to believe I was awake the first time. It has been four or five days sense this happened and I am slowly wasting away I have sadi sorry so many times. I try to sleep but I cant because I know hes not next to me I wake up several times at night looking for him knowing he wont be there. I cry every single day. It doesn’t hlep we go to the same highschool and I see him everyday ignoring me. I dont know what to do.
Thats what I would like to let go. There is a whole lot I left out. But this is the basics.
Dear Becky,
PLease I am begging you, save yourself and get out of your marriage. He is not a man. You can do better then him, YOU ARE better then him. think of the example he is putting in front of your son. go back to your parents, or your sister. and begin a life from their with your son. He has cut you down to your very core, depleted you as a woman , and doesn’t provide money for you and your son to eat. He abuses you. You have EVERY RIGHT to not trust him and EVERY STRENGTH to walk away. if you’re too afraid to do it for you then do it for your son. You don’t NOT deserve what is happening to you. NO ONE does. I don’t care what you have ever done in your life but you need to save yourself and your family. It will be hard and lonely for a while believing that you have to depend on him ; but I promise you. once you let go of him, as scary as it is, and can manage to get away from that abuse you will Feel stronger, you will Be stronger, and you will be protecting your child. You don’t have to be alone during this, I know numerous women, some friends that have been in a similar situation and still have trouble coping. But they are stronger, wiser, and independent. My mother was a victim with my father when he abused alcohol, I was 4 years old holding my mother on the staircase while she cried. My father got help after the divorce and my mother has been strong and independent ever since. My father is now a changed man and I love him dearly. Don’t let your son have to witness anymore abuse, physical, verbal, or emotional. he can feel what you feel. Save yourselves and live a life of fulfillment, not bowing to a man that literally shits on your things and then blames you for it. It may feel hard or as if you are a failure because your marriage didn’t work or that you had to move back home, but it is so much safer and you can grow as a beautiful woman and a strong mother .
Perverted behavior as a teen influenced by pornography. Same sex experimentation as a teen and young adult ( now 50) Infidelity in marriage.