How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I want to let go of the guilt, ramose and regret for cheating on my, now ex, boyfriend. He was a wonderful person with a beautiful soul and I just got caught up on the excitement and thrill of doing something I never thought I was capable of doing. I lost his trust, his love and any future I may have had with him. He forgave me and gave me another chance but I was so caught up on self-pity and guilt I didn’t take care myself or my relationship. I lost his love and now he is with someone else.
Well, I wanna let go all the terrible things from my past: the things that I did, the words I said and even the thoughts I thought, where I INTENTIONALLY hurt two women’s feelings with my rudeness, and I believe they two will know that I’m talking about them.
One of those woman I refer to had her art works and style literally thrashed/”criticized” by me with the harshest, stupidest and nastiest words possible, where I lacked any sense of respect to her and her life in TWO days.
To me it’ still nowadays the most embarrassing and traumatizing thing that I ever did to someone: how could I say such horrible things to her ? She didn’t deserve NOTHING of this at all!
In the end, she wrote me that she doesn’t want me contacting her again.
Nice job, Clayton. Nice job. *facepalm*
As for the other one, we had some serious argument that ended with me keep ordering her to draw me something that she didn’t want to and her calling me “rude” all the time. I tried to apologize to her but it was too late.
I wanna let go ALL guilt, sorrow, remorse and all these horrible things from the past from my life. I’m even taking providences to this, searching on the Internet how to forgive and like myself despite all my mistakes. I’m literally in a journey of self discovery and knowledge, facing and confronting my past almost everyday, despite the fear I feel and the guilt wanting to come back along with my “Heisenberg”/”I AM THE DANGER!” side, trying to condemn me and crush my willpower, my hopes and my wish to move on.
However, this is a “fight” that I’m sure that I’ll win, and to quote “Highlander”: “There can be only one!”
“And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days
Cuz I don’t need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again”
Goo Goo Dolls ~ “Better Days”
“‘Cause you’re a sky, ’cause you’re a sky full of stars
I want to die in your arms (oh, oh)
‘Cause you get lighter the more it gets dark
I’m going to give you my heart”
Coldplay ~ “A Sky Full Of Stars ”
“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you’ve made, if they don’t realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.” ~ “vinnikeez” comment on “Learn to Forgive Yourself Even When You’ve Hurt Someone Else” article.
PS.: We’re all human. We make mistakes that we can regret later. But once we learn from them and stop seeing everything in the positive/negative light and see everything as a teaching for life instead, we grow and mature in life. Life is an “eternal” teacher and therefore, we’re always “in training”. 😉
I thank you ladies for this opportunity you brought to my life to improve and mature myself. I confess that, without these events, I’d never had the attitude of entering this journey in search of wisdom, changing myself for the better and starting loving me for who I am. May ALL the gods bless you and that you two “live long and prosper”, heh. 🙂
– Goblinko The Bat
I have been in a three year long distance relationship and have slept with someone else twice, both times I had drunk too much alcohol and lost control. I dont want to lie and keep secrets but I cant see how I can tell my partner without a huge amount of pain and suffering for both of us……In the past he was unfaithful to me…we have been to in a relationship a complicated relationship for over six years and we have come a long way, but he has improved the way he treats me…i feel horrible, i cant look at his face when we are skypeing without feeling disgusted with myself. To make things more complicated I am a professing Christian and feel like I have been unfaithful to two people…God and my partner….